Should I reveal my partner's ex's treachery to him?

[GGme]

Hi, this is an odd one.

1. Been with my SO several years. We are of mature age.
2. My SO is badly scarred by a professional partnership dispute 15 years ago which almost wrecked his career. I think he has done amazingly, proud of him, to keep it all going but he won't accept this. I guess we measure success differently.
3. My SO's ex wife is a nightmare, I had nothing to do with their marriage break up, but she uses guilt, their adult kids/grandkids, and victimhood to manipulate him to do what she wants. She also reinvents history to suit her/put her in a good light, which is frustrating. He seems unable to see a lot of this apart from admitting he feels guilt and sense of obligation towards her and their kids so feels he needs to do what she wants of him.
4. I am totally frustrated and out of understanding, and just want him to set boundaries.

The thing is, I have some information about her. which I don't know whether I should share with him. He and I worked together many years ago and still know some of the same people. Recently, one of these shared contacts - totally reliable - voluntarily confirmed what I' d heard over the years (but left alone as I couldn't confirm its truth) that my SO's ex was having an affair with the main protagonist during my SO's professional partnership dispute, and passing information about my SO to the protagonist during legal proceedings between them. I love my SO and now I know this to be the truth am furious on his behalf, raging in fact. But do I tell him? As tempting as it is I don't want to be petty and I know I have a vested interest here.

What would be the reason?

All it will do is drag up the past and make him feel like shit imo, I would leave well alone.

I am afraid that I couldn't resist telling him. It might help him to see how manipulative his ex is.

I would tell him

I’d tell her you know and cut the shit with your SO

I would tell him

I don't think you should tell him.

But I totally would.

Thanks everyone for your messages so far, which are much appreciated.
If I do go down the route of telling him/her I know about this I worry that it might backfire though as previously she has told him I am lying about this/that/the other (hasten to add I was not and not sure what point she was trying to make here) but it did tarnish his trust in me for a while.....we are dealing with a tricky person who was married to my SO for 4 decades. However, maybe this is a risk I have to take so my SO and I can get some distance from her.....😕

You don't know it's the truth though. Keep your nose out .

I do know it's the truth.

I'd tell him (because im me!) but I don't think he'll cope well with the information and I think it ultimately might end your relationship

I have a feeling he won't believe you, which will make everything much worse

So he believes her when she says you have lied about something. That, to me shows that she is a higher priority than you OP. I appreciate that she is the mother of his children but come on.........

I'd be telling both of them and getting your contact to corroborate it, then walking away.

It's all gossip.
There will be truth and lies and other people's motives behind all of what you've heard.
If his ex is truly as good at this manipulative behaviour then you may well be on the receiving end of a plan.
The best way to avoid this is to leave all this parked for a very long while and be just super supportive.. The drama will hopefully lessen.

To what end? What would you hope to achieve?

You could shatter his confidence, it could be the straw that broke the camels back, it could easily end your relationship.

Is it so important he knows or is this you trying to get back at the ex in someway and using him as a weapon?

This is great advice ^

No, of course I am not trying to use him as a weapon, That's precisely why I posted asking for advice. He has spent the last 15 years driving himself nearly crazy, and it's been ruining his life, because he could not understand how all this information about him (which was not relevant to the legal case but made him unfairly look ridiculous in his personal life, and added unnecessary embarrassment and hurt at a time when he was fighting for his career and ability to financially support his ex and then younger kids) was mentioned at the court hearing.

What is an SO?

Significant Other

I would tell him. Its unfair to keep him in the dark when he's being manipulated by her.

He sounds quite pathetic, dancing to her tune and doing what she says. Believing her over you when she lied about you. Are you sure you want to be with this loser?

I would tell him so he's aware and I'm not keeping secrets from him. If he refuses to believe it, I would cut my losses and end things. You can do better than that.

No, you think you know. You weren't there at the time, it's all hearsay.

Yes, it's the not being transparent with him that also concerns me. We recently had a big talk and he agreed to be more transparent and understanding of my position as far as she is concerned, so I really should be likewise.

Were you there at the time? Do you know the person who told me? Do you know me? because if you did you would know I would not post on here asking for advice about something I am not 100% sure of. If I was prone to posting 'hearsay' then I'd have been here years ago when I first heard what I then passed of as possible rumours.

Of course you should tell your so!!!!! You say yourself here has driven himself mad trying to process what happened. Jesus why wouldn’t you tell him?

You’re either on his team or you’re not. Why on earth would you block the truth from him?!

It is HORRIBLE to think of keeping this information from him. Never mind he’s your partner, he’s another human and has suffered tremendously because of this. And you could put his mind at ease because he would finally understand.

Absolutely. It may be the missing piece of the puzzle needed to put their behaviour toward him to rest