Should I reveal my partner's ex's treachery to him?

[GGme]

Hi, this is an odd one.

1. Been with my SO several years. We are of mature age.
2. My SO is badly scarred by a professional partnership dispute 15 years ago which almost wrecked his career. I think he has done amazingly, proud of him, to keep it all going but he won't accept this. I guess we measure success differently.
3. My SO's ex wife is a nightmare, I had nothing to do with their marriage break up, but she uses guilt, their adult kids/grandkids, and victimhood to manipulate him to do what she wants. She also reinvents history to suit her/put her in a good light, which is frustrating. He seems unable to see a lot of this apart from admitting he feels guilt and sense of obligation towards her and their kids so feels he needs to do what she wants of him.
4. I am totally frustrated and out of understanding, and just want him to set boundaries.

The thing is, I have some information about her. which I don't know whether I should share with him. He and I worked together many years ago and still know some of the same people. Recently, one of these shared contacts - totally reliable - voluntarily confirmed what I' d heard over the years (but left alone as I couldn't confirm its truth) that my SO's ex was having an affair with the main protagonist during my SO's professional partnership dispute, and passing information about my SO to the protagonist during legal proceedings between them. I love my SO and now I know this to be the truth am furious on his behalf, raging in fact. But do I tell him? As tempting as it is I don't want to be petty and I know I have a vested interest here.

To think that someone who loves me would withhold a vital piece of information about a situation that I’d spent years torturing myself trying not to understand…

Agree... but it should be a carefully thought out conversation. I'm so sorry for what your SO has gone through. Good luck!

So tell him really clearly who told you what. You're not lying you're informing him of the source and what they said then it's on your boyfriend to work out if he believes that person.

This feels familiar, wasn't it a plotline from Dynasty in the 80s?

Obviously not. But what difference does that make, you asked for mumsnet opinions

If you can prove it's true then tell him,but without proof it's gossip!

Im assuming it was a legal case against your SO - in which case has someone perjured themselves and can your friend provide evidence (if without limitations statute)? Secondly - and sorry if I’ve misunderstood - but this was his ex wife doing this and they were married four decades and it was after splitting, and you’ve been together for fifteen years from when it happened - he must be 71 now - is his health up to it? I’m all for being transparent and passing on information but if he’s been tortured by this for so long, and hasn’t sought counselling to help him with coping strategies, then reopening such an emotional wound when someone in their seventies may make them very ill.

If he’s quietly coming to terms with his life now, then I’d be thinking of his best interests and if his health is tricky then just carry on loving him and living life, and don’t stir things up.

If you enjoy sticking needles into your boyfriend/husband or what ver a significant other is, then why would you tell him as it will look like you are smug and want to see him suffer.

Leave it alone.

I think you need to tell him. I’d be really tempted to protect him from this information. But if you know and don’t say anything, it’s a like a small crack that will always exist and will only get bigger.

i wouldn’t present it as truth tho. Just tell him who and how you heard it. Everything will explode and it will be tough. But just be there for him and let him handle it and work through it

You say you know for a fact it's true because someone you trust implicitly told you. That's exactly what hearsay is. Can you prove it? If yes, absolutely I'd tell him. If you can't he probably won't believe you again

So you want to benefit him. I can understand that.

Not sure how telling him the two people he trusted most at the time were making a fool of him will pan out though. How on earth do you say that with kindness? This is why I said it could be the straw that broke the camels back.

So you would be doing it to make yourself feel better basically?

Can you back it up?

Because if she was able to shake his trust in you before, I'd be concerned he's too entangled with her mentally and may not believe it or want to believe it.