Is it normal for your dh to take you out somewhere nice off his own back or is social media getting to me

[Goldcherry]

Feels like everyone’s dh sorts them going out somewhere nice all the time. Mine doesn’t do this and I used to not really care and do the organising if I want to go out but I have said to him it would be nice if he sorted it.

Thing is, he likes staying at home so unless I organise it we stay in. I feel like I knew that when I married him so my bed to lie in etc but wonder if I should expect more or accept this.

My DH can be like this but, occasionally, he will take me by surprise!
When I say, occasionally, I mean years apart! 🤣

I think it’s an age thing and social media, we are 50s and pre social media and he will maybe once in a blue moon suggest something nice to do, but otherwise it’s on me. I expect if I dated a 35 year old it would be more “showy”

@almostbloody50 im 39 dh 40 so that’s not really the reason for us i dont think. Married 14 years. I do try not to be sucked into the sm void but I do also feel like maybe dh could do more or maybe iabu as he just wants to stay in.

Nope! Pretty much never. We do go out, though not much, but we decide together and it’s not a big deal.

Don’t compare everyone’s show reel to your back of house. Just organise a day out for the two of you and fake it on social media like everyone else does.

Conversations in our house tend to be variations on this theme:

Him "Shall we go out somewhere tomorrow?"
Me "That's a good idea, have you thought of anywhere?"
Him "I thought I'd ask you."
Me "Hmmm... well how about X place, that's nice."
Him "No I don't really want to go there because reasons"
(repeat with Y place)
Me "What about Z place instead"
Him "I don't like it much, but if that's where you really want to go... I don't mind"
Me "No, we don't have to go there if you don't want to, why don't you choose"
Him "But I want you to decide"
Me <facepalm>
Him "Well don't you want to go out somewhere then?"
Me "I can't think of anywhere, I've already suggested three places"

We eventually get to the point where he says what he should have done all along, which is to name the location he'd thought of in the first place, but didn't want to say in case I didn't want to go there, so instead asked me where I wanted to go in the random hope that I might think of the same place he did.

It is truly painful but he's too old to change now.
😂

My DH rarely plans anything for me, I seem to organise everything .

I’m not sure. I think it’s more to do with how sociable they are in general and whether they make plans and organise doing things for themselves in general. If they do and they have interests and are interested in doing activities and socialising then that should extend to your relationship. And thinking of things to go out and do together and booking it / sorting it out.
Many of my friends partners are boring and lazy and uninterested in the world around them and can only be bothered to get off their phone and the sofa to go to the pub or a football match or occasionally visit their mum. With one of these guys they might (begrudgingly) go along with any plans you make but not actually have any interest in thinking of or planning anything for you to do together. And if you have to ask / nag for it … what’s the point anyway.

It depends on the type of person they are. It doesn’t sound like it’d come naturally to your DH, and you knew that before… nothing has changed.

There’s plenty of people whose DHs are the same, they’re just not posting about it.., and there will be plenty of things your DH does that theirs don’t.

Mine has the occasional lightbulb moment but it generally tends to be because it's somewhere he wants to go 😁

That makes him sound bad but he's a good egg really.

Me and DH are similar age and he has NEVER suggested a place for us to go and eat, or do something or anything, let alone actually book something and organise something.

a few weeks ago and I absolutely blew up like I'm sick of been the one to motivate and do things I want to do things and sick of feeling like I'm dragging you from now on. If you don't pick and organise anything we don't go together I'll just go on my own
Or with friends

I don't think this is age I think this is personality and some of it's on me for realising this and he would never change, but yeah I'm tired of being the organiser. I would love to be asked if I'd like to go somewhere and then just turn up and it's done

It is my birthday on Sunday, and he has already asked me what I want to do...

Just surprise me ffs - I'd be happy with anything.

My husband’s total lack of initiative to ever organise or suggest or plan anything ever is one of the reasons that he will soon be my ex husband.

@Goldcherry

"wonder if I should expect more or accept this"

If it's bugging you, somewhat, it could be worth a wee conversation.

Will qualify, I've been married 36 years and can count on two fingers the number of times my DH has organised.

Does not bother one little bit, he'll eat anything 😆I'm fussy.

SM tends to be rather performative, don't you think?

I don't understand why SM still seems to have such an effect on people now the content quality has dropped so much and it's all ads and promoted content

You can’t tell what’s really going on by a picture perfect snapshot on social media.

For all you know the women of these partners may have spent weeks nagging their DHs to arrange those nights out, or maybe he has spent the evening eying up the waitress, or the food was awful.

Besides, the more people tend to post about their perfect lives, the more crap is usually going on in the background you are unaware of. I mean, you don’t get couples posting themselves arguing over loading the dishwasher etc, but it happens.

Don’t compare your life to theirs.

No, mine doesn't, but we do it together and there's no pattern really.

He does organise our holidays, because he enjoys working out travel logistics. He has booked fancier hotels and kept it as a surprise, in the past.

I don't think it's an age thing. My DH suggests things all the time and is happy to do the driving. He's always been like this. Both of us are always on the look out for a new place to check out.

He's not on social media but I am and I actually love seeing everyone's posts because it gives us ideas. Some little tucked away places are real gems and I would never have known about them otherwise.

DP took me for lunch at Morrisons cafe last week, does that count?

He works hard, contributes financially but I pretty much take care of all our life admin. So no, no spontaneous days out for me. I arrange 99.9% of what we do together.

DH would rarely plan something for us, if ever but that’s who he is. He’s unlikely to plan something for himself either so it’s not personal. However, doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes thank for taking me to ‘X’ for my birthday, anniversary etc. People on SM may assume he planned it, but very likely.

Very occasionally my DH will say something like I saw a new pub/cafe that looks nice we should go sometime, but that's as far as it goes. For birthdays, anniversaries etc he will ask me where I would like to go and then I will book it! If we decide to go out for an evening I will be the one to suggest places.
I don't think he's ever "taken me out" come to think of it!

How do you know from social media pictures tnat it was the husband who arranged it and not the wife? It could be the women doing all the legwork there too!

I find my partner is good at organising us going out with our friends or with family. But when it comes to things just the two of us, it’s usually me who suggests/arranges.

Mine will take me places but only places he wants to go. So every Christmas he gets me a voucher for his favourite restaurant/ hotel. Once when we had said we would have a day out together and decide where to go on the morning he just started driving sat nav on. I said where are we going as I thought we were going to choose together. He said no we are going to x. Not as a surprise to me or somewhere I would like but because it was somewhere he wanted to go.

So if you are the planner but actually get to choose then I think that’s better than a bossy partner. I plan thoughtful things for my partner that I think he will like for birthdays/ Christmas. We don’t buy each other stuff as we both hate things/ clutter.

Yes, DH does. Whether it’s a dog walk, a pub lunch, a trip out somewhere or just a takeaway in the garden with the fire pit. I’d say he plans something most weeks, weather and work depending.

I think there are two sorts of people. Those who like doing and those who go because their OH wants to go.

DH was the second. He was quite happy to stay at home. He'd go to places I wanted to because I wanted to, but he didn't want to go enough to organise it.

I'm now with a man who wants to be out and about all the time, so he organises it, which is a nice change.

That said, I am very skeptical when people post anything out how wonderful their OH is on SM. OK so he might have done this lovely thing, but what else has he done that means you feel the need to tell the world/convince yourself how wonderful he is?