Tech-bro widow

[tecbrowidow]

My partner is a startup CTO. He works all day, takes a break for dinner (which to his credit he cooks) and then after our 3yo daughter goes to sleep he goes back to his desk and carries on working. At the weekends he often decides last minute he won't be doing things we had planned because he's too exhausted. When I try to talk to him about how lonely I feel he gets defensive or shuts down and goes silent. I'm the main earner and do the majority of the childcare. Does anyone else here feel like they're a widow to their partner's tech career?

ExW of start up CFO.

Went years with no money because he had equity etc., I ended up as the main earner, doing all the childcare and weekend family stuff.

I left. He's still plugging away working all hours on the start up. I hope it's worth it for him in the end.

@user8636283907 what's life like now after separating?

@Codlingmoths I'm curious about your experience of relationships. Have you found a better balance? How?

@PorpoiseWithPurpose thanks for the book recommendation. I'm looking at it now

Your reply on what you want is interesting. It sounds like you’re enabling his start-up by providing most of the flat and double the income. He couldn’t do it without you.
Meanwhile you’re not married and are untitled to a single thing of his including his quarter of the business you’re funding. If the goal is to protect him, his mother isn’t stupid in fixing a monthly stipend rather than a bulk amount to be sunk into a joint place.
Forget the deep conversations and nighttime cuddles, I’d be worried about your standing and would want to be married, assuming he’s the right one, or separated if not.
Regarding the actual start up, I’ve seen dozens of people do this: many fail, some succeed. Not one would have succeeded without a partner’s or family support.

@Savoury I really struggle to understand the marriage argument. I'm the higher earner and own the majority of the flat. If we talking strictly about money, then wouldn't marriage make me worse off?

OP you say you have a greater share in the flat, is there a declaration of trust confirming this? Otherwise it will just be assumed to be 50/50.
People are correct in saying that as you aren’t married, you wouldn’t get any claim on his equity on the business if you were to split up, therefore it feels a bit like you are carrying him financially and with childcare with a risk of zero return.
The hours he is working are ridiculous for the salary, and wildly unfair on you. You are being asked to sacrifice your leisure time, time for yourself etc to be sole carer for your child while he is working. Did you agree to that? He is also missing out on time with your daughter when she’s changing so much. It seems the sort of job he should have taken before kids or when kids are more grown up and independent.
Personally I wouldn’t agree or tolerate this. My husband works shifts which impact on family life but he’s tried to get as family friendly a rota as he can and he earns a decent salary not too far off mine.

My point is that say you finance him for 5+ years more before this starts to make decent money to equal yours, probably paid via dividends. Then what? You separate and it’s unlikely you’ll see any part of the asset that is that business as you’re not married.
In contrast, if you’re married and the same thing happens, his business is considered part of the estate to be shared. That’s likely to be a bigger share of the flat as the business can’t be sold.
If it doesn’t succeed you’re better off unmarried for sure.
(I note there’s no mention of pension so he really is working under his market rate).

@Mumlaplomb yes, when we bought I made sure it was as tenants in common with unequal shares. Our share in the property is proportional to what we put in, so as I gave more in the deposit and have made more overpayments I'd be getting more back from the proceedings of the sale if it were to happen.

Much better. I've moved on and am re-married now.

@user8636283907 how was it for your child/ren? Is it an improvement for them too? My partner has a really good bond with our daughter, so that's one of the main things leading me to keep putting up with his burdening me with his work.

well yes, we are both full time with 3 dc, aged just turned 3 to 9, both busy jobs and kids are pretty sporty. So it’s very busy and we both pull our weight nonstop. Dh leaves early, I get kids ready and drop off and head to work, he leaves work early to collect and get dinner started. I pick up the school aged ones on wfh days and have some flex with work to get them to sport (I do a lot of evening meetings with my job too) we both clean up laundry all family things. He’d never ever forget Mother’s Day or my birthday or decide to bugger off on me on NYE (although we might both agree to go to sleep!). We are just back from 2 weeks holiday with my family and travelling, and dh looked after dc while I did a cooking class with my family and while I went shopping etc, because of course. Basically we both do lots, and our family are the most important thing, despite us both having busy jobs. We get a cleaner fortnightly, split the night waking, I do more admin and finances, he does a bit more cooking and laundry. When the kids are sick we alternate days at home with them. It wasn’t always so even but I am a clear communicator 😁

i correct myself- he did forget my first Mother’s Day. Never again! I wouldn’t have started trying for dc2 if he hadn’t made up for it the year after, I had decided to just take myself away for the following weekend to think about the marriage if he didn’t do anything much for my second Mother’s Day.

@Codlingmoths when he forgot the first Mother's Day, what did you say or do to let him know that wasn't acceptable, and how did he respond? (I'm asking because when I spoke to my mum about it she just said my Dad had never remembered to do special things for her throughout their marriage and she doesn't feel like it's worth having something nice if she has to ask for it, so I genuinely don't have a role model on this one)

I believe the only way to improve your life together is making it clear to him that in the here and now, he needs to step up and spend 2 evenings and one weekend day with you as a family (the number are just my examples). Make him plan for it and make it happen in whichever way suits him. He will need to adjust his work pattern accordingly. Clearly the status quo where he is being used for too much work for very little money (for his role) isn’t working for your family.

Okay folks, give me a hand hold here. My partner was just sitting in the corner of the room, being grumpy and tired, looking at his phone and not engaging with me and our daughter. I asked him to either engage with us or go to another room because it was making me uneasy. He said "You can't talk to me like that, stormed off and slammed a door". Was I being unreasonable? I'm experimenting with telling him what I need, and it already feels like it's going badly.

You know how this is going to go,it’s beyond head tilt and hand hold.
He's emotionally disengaged. he’s doing all the taking with no give. He’s the guy who live in your house, he’s not a partner or a dad.
So,now what?
Options
You tell him to leave, break up sell he house . Coparent
You set him some boundaries and expectation of compliance
You do nothing and maintain unhappy status quo

His mum will probably pay him more pocket money

Dont marry him

I told him how upset I was, he waffled about he hadn’t realised (different Mother’s Day from our home Mother’s Day) which royally pissed me off - I said oh so when you wished your mum happy Mother’s Day a couple of months ago you were deliberately leaving me out?! That was a fuck you to me? Him: shocked and annoyed no I just didn’t realise when it was here!! Me; oh, so you didn’t look it up then. Because I don’t matter. You know how you mentioned that musical that’s on? Nobody came down from heaven to announce it to you personally, you saw it on a bus. Well guess what- Mother’s Day has been in every ad and billboard and catalogue for weeks, you didn’t notice because you do not give a shit. All those night wakings all those endless days with our baby. You didn’t do the night wakings, I thought at the very fucking least you appreciated what I was doing for us. Now I know you don’t.
he was apologetic but also fairly ineffective. Several months before the next Mother’s Day I told him I hoped he realised he was making up for last Mother’s Day this time. That he’d not once mentioned it so I had no idea if he was going to do anything, which worried me as it obviously meant a lot to me, And that him making an effort meant any bookings had to be done minimum a week or two before, there had to be thought in it. And resolved that if he didn’t, I’d take myself to Paris for the weekend the next weekend, leave him to parent, cancel the plan to ttc dc2, and think about our marriage. But he did :)

re your latest post, you absolutely do not step back and back down because he’s mad. You say you don’t get to be mad at me because I have some basic expectations, I’m the one who should be angry. I’m not just someone who pays your bills, I only do that because this is supposed to be a relationship, if you don’t want one then have the guts to tell me that.

Once someone gets enmeshed in something like this, I think it's hard for some people to know when to walk away or scale down. They don't want to admit failure and don't want to think that all their hard work didn't result in what they wanted. Thinking that wealth is also just around the corner can be addictive as well, so you need to keep this in mind as to how far you want to support him.

when I'm sick and need him to care for me he doesn't seem to understand that this is what I'd expected from our life together, and that's probably because we never discussed it

Could you elaborate on this? When you're sick, does he not support you?? If so, that's a major problem and red flag. It also doesn't count very much if he does things begrudgingly.

Certain things don't have to be discussed by the way, because they're so bloody obvious. If you're in a long term relationship and have a child together, it should be absolutely obvious and an automatic given that you expect to be supported when you're not feeling 100%, and you shouldn't have to be at death's door before getting that either.

I helped you achieve your ambition of having a family, so now I want you to help me achieve my ambition of being a successful entrepreneur

There is so much behind this claim.

Did he feel coerced into having a family? Does he have reason to be resentful?

If it was a shared ambition, then it looks like he has just made-up a deal you never knew you signed up for. It's a bit worrying really, because it suggests he didn't really want to have children, or he wasn't that bothered, and is now using this to it's absolute maximum.

OP - do you think there was a possibility that he saw you as capital into his business? That he didn't mind having a child with you because the pay-off of your salary, your financial support and anything else you give was worth it for him? I know it's extreme but people do use other people for money.

We had a long chat yesterday and it feels like we've made some progress. I've been learning about Emotionally Focused Therapy (classic book on it here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Hold-Me-Tight-Successful-Relationships). The first step is understanding the pattern you get stuck in as a couple, and for us I'm the one who pursues (so I'll get cross and use sarcasm or rant at him when I'm stressed) and he's the one who withdraws (he goes stony silence when stressed). We're getting better at identifying that dynamic, and deciding on how to break the pattern once we're in it. I think we've now got an agreement that we'll go spend time in separate rooms if we get into this trap. And I also feel like he was hearing me more when I was telling him how isolated and lonely I feel, and how I need to have 1-1 time with him every day to feel okay.

Better link for the book on emotionally focused therapy: amzn.eu/d/bI7WPAC

Good to hear you are making progress.

Good luck with working it out.

He’s avoiding child care and domestic duties since you had your child

@EarthSight I agree having been there. Also it’s very easy to get stuck in the ‘I could end up with£300k’ if we sell out - yep maybe you could but if you have been earning £35k a year below your expected earnings for10 years and your partner has been funding life staying on track it’s not as great as it sounds-also the OP isn’t married, he could make money and then just decide- bye bye, !!

OP I’m glad you are making some progress. I would suggest you are “pursuing”‘because he’s not pulling his weight at home and with your child however, so I’m not sure how the therapy things are going to help unless he’s willing to change jobs and be more present? Best of luck however as it sounds like you are working hard to try and make this work.