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Original poster

Tech-bro widow

76 replies

tecbrowidow · 01/05/2025 22:27

My partner is a startup CTO. He works all day, takes a break for dinner (which to his credit he cooks) and then after our 3yo daughter goes to sleep he goes back to his desk and carries on working. At the weekends he often decides last minute he won't be doing things we had planned because he's too exhausted. When I try to talk to him about how lonely I feel he gets defensive or shuts down and goes silent. I'm the main earner and do the majority of the childcare. Does anyone else here feel like they're a widow to their partner's tech career?

OP posts:
TreesWelliesKnees · 02/05/2025 06:52

It sounds really hard, especially his defensive responses. Did you both discuss the original decision to do this? It's one thing to go in eyes wide open knowing it will be hard for a while, and another thing to have it sprung upon you. I suppose the consolation is that he is working hard in order to build (hopefully) something amazing for your future together. Widows don't have that, and no one cooks dinner for their kids either.

HappiestSleeping · 02/05/2025 06:57

I hope he has a sweat equity share that will reward him when the owners sell. Otherwise, I've been in that position, and it isn't worth it.

Happyasarainbow · 02/05/2025 07:09

Agree with the other poster - you both need to agree on the vision and have a plan that you both think will be worth it.

If you're a 'widow' so that he can work towards a tangible outcome in a few years' time that you both agree you want, that's very different to being a 'widow' to 'start-up culture', which often takes much more than it gives back.

Original poster
tecbrowidow · 02/05/2025 13:58

He has over a quarter of the equity in the company, so if they do well he'll be loaded. I think the thought that he might end up wealthy enough that I can leave the corporate world and start spending more time with our child and pursuing my own interests is what stops me from walking away, but life has just been really tough for years and there's no guarantee of any kind of payoff at the end of all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
tecbrowidow · 02/05/2025 14:07

@TreesWelliesKneesI do feel like this was sprung on me. Before we had our child he used to wake up around 7am, have a leisurely breakfast while discussing the news or whatever. I'd work 8am-6pm, he worked more like 10am-6pm and then we'd cook and eat together, watch TV, go to sleep cuddling. I really thought we had the time and energy to raise a family and share the responsibilities.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 02/05/2025 14:19

There are a lot of people who work hard to provide a good life for their family. I'm one if them (not in tech, nor a man). I expect some support from DH and tbh I'm happy to share domestic duties so he can also focus on his job.

Have you and your DH decided that he focus on his job and you do all the domestic? Dangerous position to be in but it works for some and not everyone wants to give their career their all.

Some people are just wired to work hard. If I didn't have to do stuff for my family and try and carve out time to exercise and I do see friends I'd work all the time in the week.

What's happening in your relationship is you've given him the go ahead to spend all his time working. There isn't a good reason in his mind to stop. I can appreciate he doesn't value family time. Would he cut down on work to let you step up in your job?

If you feel lonely make plans with friends and family. Eventually you may decide that living separate lives destroys your relationship. I do have a friend in your shoes (DH wasn't tech) and she divorced because she was a lone parent. Thing is she was financially independent to do this. I suggest you look to the future with regards to your own earnings. That may require him to step back from work enough to let you work.

Thisistyresome · 02/05/2025 14:21

Do you know the exit plan? Is there a realistic time line the business is planning on selling/listing? Is there a maximum date for that?

Do you know what his ambition is if this works out? Will he want to stay on as the business grows, look for a big role in any buyer, or would he want to take the value and get out as soon as possible to a more relaxed life?

Could you stomach this for 5 years with a return to a low pressure life? And if it was 5 years of this but resulted in him being back to how he was before ok? How about if then got a big role in the buyer (probably better money but no more human contact)?

Unless you think about that you can’t know.

Happyasarainbow · 02/05/2025 14:22

OP - if he has a reasonable chance of 'making it big', then there will be a business plan with a timescale attached. As CTO, he will have been part of making that plan so there's no reason he can't share an overview with you.

Obviously it's hard to tell from a few posts from one side - but my sense is that he's trying to keep the peace by not saying much, and is not planning to change any time soon.

Happyasarainbow · 02/05/2025 14:34

Whilst plans change - if the exit plan is in 10 years' time, then you know you're less likely to get the time with your DD that you're hanging in there for. So you do need to know that.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 02/05/2025 14:45

the thought that he might end up wealthy enough that I can leave the corporate world and start spending more time with our child and pursuing my own interests is what stops me from walking away

Oof. This makes it sound like you’re hanging on for money so you can ‘pursue your own interests’.

Codlingmoths · 02/05/2025 14:53

I would be sitting down with him and asking for timelines on this payoff and if he wants to be defensive and not engage then you say this relationship isn’t working for me, and you refuse to talk about it while also not parenting or earning.
if he has timelines, you say I need to think about whether I think I can manage carrying us until then, and also what needs to change to make it achievable. I’m taking Saturday and Sunday to think, I’ll stay the night somewhere so you will have our child all weekend.

CraftyNavySeal · 02/05/2025 15:02

ZenNudist · 02/05/2025 14:19

There are a lot of people who work hard to provide a good life for their family. I'm one if them (not in tech, nor a man). I expect some support from DH and tbh I'm happy to share domestic duties so he can also focus on his job.

Have you and your DH decided that he focus on his job and you do all the domestic? Dangerous position to be in but it works for some and not everyone wants to give their career their all.

Some people are just wired to work hard. If I didn't have to do stuff for my family and try and carve out time to exercise and I do see friends I'd work all the time in the week.

What's happening in your relationship is you've given him the go ahead to spend all his time working. There isn't a good reason in his mind to stop. I can appreciate he doesn't value family time. Would he cut down on work to let you step up in your job?

If you feel lonely make plans with friends and family. Eventually you may decide that living separate lives destroys your relationship. I do have a friend in your shoes (DH wasn't tech) and she divorced because she was a lone parent. Thing is she was financially independent to do this. I suggest you look to the future with regards to your own earnings. That may require him to step back from work enough to let you work.

OP is the main earner though, she’s the one working hard to provide for the family as well as doing everything else. How is she supposed to “step up” more?

If he was working hard and providing it would be different, but he’s not.

If the start up has the potential to do well it could be worth sucking it up for a few years, but most start ups fail.

Original poster
tecbrowidow · 02/05/2025 15:11

@CraftyNavySeal@ZenNudist yep, I'm the main earner.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 02/05/2025 15:11

What's the plan? He must have discussed this with you and you must have agreed that you'd temporarily carry the burden. He'll have a business plan so he can give you timelines.

He has a three year old; he doesn't get to dump everything on you while he cosplays Alan Sugar.

Zone2NorthLondon · 02/05/2025 16:44

No do not give up your own career, even if he gets big bucks that’s no reason for you to give up career
Honestly, what low ambition. He makes £+++ doesn’t mean you become unwaged and dependent
Frankly if the relationship remains strained and you split up you’ll need your career

Original poster
tecbrowidow · 02/05/2025 16:48

In the past he used to come out with a line like: "I helped you achieve your ambition of having a family, so now I want you to help me achieve my ambition of being a successful entrepreneur" he doesn't say that any more because he knows it's annoys me and isn't my take on the world at all. But actually I think I don't know what he thinks we're doing in the long term, or how he views our roles in the relationship. I think he doesn't really reflect on this stuff, he just really wants to be a success with the product his company is making and that's all he's really thinking about. Generally that means he's looking at the next deadline and everything else goes out the window.

OP posts:
Original poster
tecbrowidow · 02/05/2025 16:52

@Zone2NorthLondon no, I'm not planning to give up work if he makes mega bucks. It's more I'd have the freedom to take on riskier work myself, like launch my own startup or join a company which can't pay me as much but aligns better with my values.

OP posts:
Original poster
tecbrowidow · 02/05/2025 17:02

@ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself you've got a point. I think what I'd really like is for him to be a present, loving and supportive partner, but if he can't do that then second best would be at least that I can cut down my hours at work and/or switch to a job which I find more satisfying. I think deep down I'm hoping that at some point he'll be under less pressure at work and he can become someone I have lots of happy time with. It's hard to know if that's going to happen though.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 02/05/2025 17:06

tecbrowidow · 02/05/2025 16:48

In the past he used to come out with a line like: "I helped you achieve your ambition of having a family, so now I want you to help me achieve my ambition of being a successful entrepreneur" he doesn't say that any more because he knows it's annoys me and isn't my take on the world at all. But actually I think I don't know what he thinks we're doing in the long term, or how he views our roles in the relationship. I think he doesn't really reflect on this stuff, he just really wants to be a success with the product his company is making and that's all he's really thinking about. Generally that means he's looking at the next deadline and everything else goes out the window.

So you and your child just don’t rank in his priorities. Are you really willing to accept that? I’d consider disappearing with your dd one day, renting an airbnb and being gone for a couple of weeks. He can decide at the end of it if he wanted this family or if he’s happier without.

Zone2NorthLondon · 02/05/2025 17:14

tecbrowidow · 02/05/2025 16:52

@Zone2NorthLondon no, I'm not planning to give up work if he makes mega bucks. It's more I'd have the freedom to take on riskier work myself, like launch my own startup or join a company which can't pay me as much but aligns better with my values.

Thanks for clarification.
Are you married or in a CP?
if his earning take off will he share monies in order for you to take a pay cut to pursue other opps?

Original poster
tecbrowidow · 02/05/2025 17:14

@Codlingmoths I don't think it would be fair on anyone if I left for two weeks without sharing that this was my plan. I have considered asking him to go away for a bit when he's up against a work deadline because I think I'd be less stressed if he wasn't at home when he's got the tunnel vision, and it would be clearer for everyone who is expected to be doing the childcare, but I think he'd say no to that.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 02/05/2025 17:16

What sort of main earner though OP , if you are earning £80k and he’s earning £40k or something in those ballparks - then it’s a balance - it’s not as if he’s not earning from it and has high potential equity - - if you are earning £50k and he’s earning £10k or zilch - I would want a very definite kind of timeline !!

Original poster
tecbrowidow · 02/05/2025 17:18

@Zone2NorthLondon I'm pretty confident he'd be generous with his money if he started earning better. He actually gives most of his salary to the shared account now already. He's not driven by money or really interested in it, he just wants to live his life his own way and be a success. I think if he could build his ideal life it would be outsourcing anything he's not interested in to others and only doing stuff he's passionate about.

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 02/05/2025 17:19

Codlingmoths · 02/05/2025 17:06

So you and your child just don’t rank in his priorities. Are you really willing to accept that? I’d consider disappearing with your dd one day, renting an airbnb and being gone for a couple of weeks. He can decide at the end of it if he wanted this family or if he’s happier without.

Show quote history

That’s a daft suggestion. Uproot one day.Incur costs.Stay in unfamiliar location. To what end? What will it achieve? When she return home he’s still the same preoccupied TechBro

titchy · 02/05/2025 17:22

Out of interest are you going to respond to the other thread on intersex people you started?