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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship help pls

33 replies

dollyblue01 · 01/05/2025 21:49

Ok wise mumsnetters I have a relationship problem as follows
I’ve been with my Dp 3 years now , because of his shifts etc it was mostly a weekend thing which kinda suited me perfectly and initially I wasn’t looking for anything at that time.
However Here we are 3 years down the line and he’s been asking me to move in p/t to begin with, I won’t lie I like my own space a lot, as does he or so I thought, for context I’m 40 he’s 50 and I’m his longest relationship … my previous one was 15 years.
I had a real of 18months before looking to date again.
He’s said today I’ve got two weeks to make it happen or we’re done as he’s been asking me for the best part of a year.
His life consists of work , takeaway bed in the week , mine is very active and I have a son who’s 17 and lives 50/50 with me and his dad.
The last few days he’s been laying it on thick, I’ve said I’ll give it a go, he’s been really negative about it all , even though he says it’s what he wants ..
it’s like he’s looking for an excuse for me to fuck up and he can call it a day, I’m therefore wondering has someone caught his eye, does he like the rose tinted new relationships and ours has become boring, or am I overthinking this ?
we’re having a talk tomorrow night and he’s said it’s basically make or break, I don’t know what to think and he’s confused the hell out of me , is he doing this so he can end it without any guilt or ? I just don’t know what to think anymore, I’ve said this to him and he says I’m crazy , am I ?

OP posts:
notatinydancer · 01/05/2025 21:57

From what you’ve said I definitely wouldn’t move in with him.
What about your son ? Does he want to move?
He’s calling you crazy ?
Throw this one back.

Original poster
dollyblue01 · 01/05/2025 22:00

I won’t be giving up my house no matter what, my son won’t live with him and I only would stay when I haven’t got my son, he’s my absolute priority over any man.
He’s a nice fella , very attentive, but can be lazy , hasn’t got much get up and go where I do, I do love him but is that enough , or so I give it a try and at least I can say it did , so confused.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 01/05/2025 22:01

Any man who offers a ‘do what I want or we’re over’ ultimatum needs to be in the bin.

What about your DS? It’s not much longer until he’s an adult - personally I wouldn’t consider cohabitating until my DD was living independently.

Original poster
dollyblue01 · 01/05/2025 22:01

Yeah he’s saying I’m crazy and overthinking everything , I did want to say your a risk that I’m not sure I want to take, what 50 man has only ever had at longest a three year relationship, plenty previous as a bit of a ladies man.

OP posts:
amber763 · 01/05/2025 22:01

Agree 100% with the first poster. I'd just get rid. Especially with him dishing out ultimatums! The cheek! I don't think he's trying to end things but that pressure wouldn't work for me.

Original poster
dollyblue01 · 01/05/2025 22:04

He’s saying he can’t see any progress after three years and wants more , my son is more than happy with the 50/50 he gets the best of both worlds I will always keep my home, I’m just not convinced anyway we will have a talk tomorrow but I’m gonna be sad that I’ve just wasted 3 years of my life and I don’t know the reason but I just can’t move forward with him. It’s like something stops me.

OP posts:
Original poster
dollyblue01 · 01/05/2025 22:05

That’s it i hate being pressured into anything. I’m happy as things are and thought he was too.
Maybe im not cut out to live with a man ever again.

I do love my own home and space far too much.

OP posts:
notatinydancer · 02/05/2025 03:30

dollyblue01 · 01/05/2025 22:04

He’s saying he can’t see any progress after three years and wants more , my son is more than happy with the 50/50 he gets the best of both worlds I will always keep my home, I’m just not convinced anyway we will have a talk tomorrow but I’m gonna be sad that I’ve just wasted 3 years of my life and I don’t know the reason but I just can’t move forward with him. It’s like something stops me.

I don’t necessarily think you’ve wasted 3 years, it sounds like you were fairly happy with him apart from this.
Now he has shown you who he is before you’ve moved in , you’ve got the chance to finish it.
You read on here all the time about people changing when they move in together and it’s a mess , you’re lucky really you won’t make that mistake and have to unravel it all.

SixStringer · 02/05/2025 03:36

Definitely not 3 years wasted. You’ve spent three years becoming much clearer about the kind of relationship you want and don’t want.

Climbinghigher · 02/05/2025 05:23

dollyblue01 · 01/05/2025 22:00

I won’t be giving up my house no matter what, my son won’t live with him and I only would stay when I haven’t got my son, he’s my absolute priority over any man.
He’s a nice fella , very attentive, but can be lazy , hasn’t got much get up and go where I do, I do love him but is that enough , or so I give it a try and at least I can say it did , so confused.

If he hasn’t got much get up and go at 50 he will age rapidly (from observation of others at this age).

why does he need you to move in?

Olika · 02/05/2025 06:45

Listen to your gut. Don’t move in with him. And it hasn’t been 3 years wasted as hopefully you enjoyed them and learnt more of yourself and what kind of person you want to be with.

healthybychristmas · 02/05/2025 08:33

I can't think of one reason why you would want to live with him! If that means it's the end, so be it.

Bananalanacake · 02/05/2025 09:56

Tell him it's fucking clingy and pathetic to want to live together when you're already happy as you are. I refused to ever live with a bf as I liked my own space, I spelled this out to them and they were happy with it.

TwistedWonder · 02/05/2025 10:15

I’d also say the fact he’s 10 years older and lives a much more insular infertile than you means there’s a lot more to gain for him living together than there is for you.

The popular MN phrase ‘nurse with a purse’ springs to mind.

I’m in my 50’s and single and the dating pool is full of older men who seem to want a replacement housewife to look after them as they age - no thanks. I’d rather live alone, do my own thing and just meet up when it suits.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 02/05/2025 10:53

His age is an issue. It’s not always for everyone of 50, but for this man it is. If he’s lazy, he’s basically looking for a nice, well ordered home where he can relax and get looked after by his partner of 40. It is a win-win for him.
He’s applying all of this pressure but what is he actually bringing to the table? Very little.
There is a big difference between living apart and together. Love isn’t enough for a harmonious home. You have to have shared goals and values, too.
Don’t think of the three years as a waste. You will have some good memories.
But it seems obvious this man has an agenda and it’s not about cementing the relationship. It’s not like he’s offered marriage and security.
He is pressuring you because he wants an easier life and is impatient.
I would walk away.

Dery · 02/05/2025 11:05

I mean, he’s entitled to decide that he wants a more committed, live-in partner after 3 years together and if you’ve been non-committal about it, he’s entitled to decide it’s make or break time (just as you would be if the positions were reversed). My sister ended a 5-year relationship because it had not progressed into a live-in relationship and she was looking for something involving that level of commitment.

But obviously you’re equally entitled to decide that living together won’t suit you. Really it sounds like you’ve had a decent 3 years together but you’re no longer compatible in what you want from the relationship. That happens and isn’t anyone’s fault.

WorriedOnion · 02/05/2025 11:19

I don’t know the reason but I just can’t move forward with him. It’s like something stops me.

It's your instinct, it's giving you these doubts to try to protect you. You're already feeling the doubts and you've gone as far as posting on MN, that's worth listening to more than someone who criticises you but also pressurises you into making a decision that will benefit probably only him.

If you can make your decision do you need to put yourself through having the talk? Is he likely to say something that will make it all alright and a great idea or is he more likely to make you out to be the bad guy and the one in the wrong? The pressure he's putting on you is not helping your confusion. Take back the control but please keep yourself first and foremost in your mind, you need to look after number one and have your and your son's best interests at heart Flowers

RunningJo · 02/05/2025 11:22

dollyblue01 · 01/05/2025 22:05

That’s it i hate being pressured into anything. I’m happy as things are and thought he was too.
Maybe im not cut out to live with a man ever again.

I do love my own home and space far too much.

This is pretty much what I would be telling him and see what he says.

Epidote · 02/05/2025 11:29

Just tell him that the relationship is over as you don't want to give up your place and independence.
He wants more, you don't. You are not crazy. If he wants to go he can go. In fact I would break it just because of the ultimatum. I'm far to old to be threaten by no one.

unsync · 02/05/2025 11:44

There's obviously something subconsciously stopping you moving forward with this one. I would listen to that. Don't let him pressure you into doing something you don't want. If that means the relationship end, so be it.

WorriedOnion · 02/05/2025 12:53

@dollyblue01 can I urge caution about sharing too much of your thoughts, feelings and reasoning with him - it just gives him more to work with, against you, should he so desire.

ThirdStorm · 02/05/2025 12:56

What is the "more" he wants? What would living together give you that it doesn't today? Is he looking for you to look after him?!

MakingPlans2025 · 02/05/2025 12:58

Bin

Gettingbysomehow · 02/05/2025 13:04

So he thinks you are crazy and an over thinker and is giving you an ultimatum? Where does your son fit into all of this?.
Anyone giving me an ultimatum would be dumped.

PrettyPuss · 02/05/2025 13:08

All sounds a bit confusing. I like my own space, too, and would stay in my home with my son. These don't sounds like to best circumstances to be moving in together under.

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