Terrified | Mumsnet

MMadness · 01/05/2025 05:36

Time to toughen up and fight for what you and the kids require.

PancakesForElephants · 01/05/2025 05:44

@rhi4 I'm so sorry you're also in this situation. Please come and join us on https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorceseparation/4978266-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation-part-2-onwards-to-a-happier-future. There are lots of women going through similar and some inspiring stories of people out the other side.

It's a massive shock, of course you feel scared. Much easier said than done to "toughen up" but all you can do at this stage is one day at a time, try to look after yourself.

cheerfulaf · 01/05/2025 05:49

Sorry OP, that must’ve been quite a shock for you.

Firstly take your time to process things, it’s a lot to think about practically along side your emotions about the situation

Do you have friends/family that can support you at this time? Lean on people as much as you need to. For what it’s worth I loved being a single mum, it wasn’t easy but not having another person to look after made me a better parent

I know it’s hard to see now but there’s a lot of positives coming your way, you could look back in a year and be grateful that things worked out this way. You’ve got a whole new life ahead of you

for now be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes, then work out the practicalities. Sending you lots of love

category12 · 01/05/2025 05:53

rhi4 · 01/05/2025 04:37

Sunday my husband of 23 years completely blindsided me by saying he has had enough and that's it done.
I have 4 children 3 of which live at home and my whole life has been him and my children.
I suffer with depression and anxiety. I have no one to turn to.
I'm so alone and scared of life

I'm sorry. Has he given a reason? Is there someone else?

Maybe you'll find eventually that this is for the best. Has the relationship been healthy and good for you, or has it possibly been bad for your mental health over the years?

It may be that this is an opportunity for you to get yourself back, although it won't feel like that right now at all.

You'll get through this.

CiaoMeow · 01/05/2025 05:57

Was there no sign of anything at all leading up to this, OP?

AnonAnonmystery · 01/05/2025 06:45

@PancakesForElephants the link you posted doesn’t work for some reason.

PancakesForElephants · 01/05/2025 07:15

@AnonAnonmystery oh thanks!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4978266-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation-part-2-onwards-to-a-happier-future?page=1

A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future | Mumsnet

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: [[https://www.mums...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4978266-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation-part-2-onwards-to-a-happier-future?page=1

Original poster

rhi4 · 01/05/2025 16:13

I don't have any family as mine have all passed away and I have 2 friends that I don't really see as they have never really been fond of him and it's been hard over the years with our son who is autistic. The reason he gave was he feels like he isn't worthy of being a husband or a dad and feels like he can't provide properly. Which broke me as he is the best man ever but then he is on all these sites talking to women so I'm more confused than ever. I have spoken to him as he still lives here and sleeps on the sofa. He says he is talking to these women but doesn't know what he wants from them

OP posts:

Haemagoblin · 01/05/2025 18:36

rhi4 · 01/05/2025 16:13

I don't have any family as mine have all passed away and I have 2 friends that I don't really see as they have never really been fond of him and it's been hard over the years with our son who is autistic. The reason he gave was he feels like he isn't worthy of being a husband or a dad and feels like he can't provide properly. Which broke me as he is the best man ever but then he is on all these sites talking to women so I'm more confused than ever. I have spoken to him as he still lives here and sleeps on the sofa. He says he is talking to these women but doesn't know what he wants from them

Err, I think we all bloody know what he wants from them. Tale as old as time. I’m sorry OP but he’s just a common or garden dick led idiot. Time to start planning for a life without him. How old are your kids?

BMW6 · 01/05/2025 21:35

He's spinning you a yarn OP. He wants sex with other women. "It's not you it's me" is the oldest cop-out and laughable.

Tell him to Fuck Off 😡

CiaoMeow · 01/05/2025 22:16

I'm so sorry, OP. He's pulling the wool over your eyes.

Not worthy to be a father?
Not worthy to be a husband?
Messaging other women but doesn't know what for?

Well, he right, he really isn't a worthy husband or father, but he just coming out with this bullshit to dress up the fact he's tired of being tied down and wants to go with other women.

You and your children deserve so much better than this lying dipstick.

If you have no one to really talk to and vent about this it's a good idea to keep this thread going because there are so many great, wise women here, many who have been where you are now, who will give you lots of help, encouragement and practical advice.

You won't believe this now in a million years, but you'll get through this and you'll realise you're well rid. 💐

Carlou · 04/05/2025 03:11

rhi4 · 01/05/2025 16:13

I don't have any family as mine have all passed away and I have 2 friends that I don't really see as they have never really been fond of him and it's been hard over the years with our son who is autistic. The reason he gave was he feels like he isn't worthy of being a husband or a dad and feels like he can't provide properly. Which broke me as he is the best man ever but then he is on all these sites talking to women so I'm more confused than ever. I have spoken to him as he still lives here and sleeps on the sofa. He says he is talking to these women but doesn't know what he wants from them

um sounds like he wants his cake in both hands so to speak... another words you waiting patiently in the background whilst he trials out other woman in case he's missed something. Tell him to go jump in the lake. Then get lawyer for advice on divorce.

Washingupdone · 04/05/2025 03:22

I am so sorry you are in this situation.
You must get your ducks in a row to prepare and protect yourself and your DCs’ future. Copy all documents dealing with money, bank, wages, mortgage pensions etc without him knowing and make an appointment with a solicitor. This will make you réalise your strength and not have succumb to his whims.

WorthyOtter · 04/05/2025 05:11

Wow that's hard, sorry OP. You have your kids and that's the most important thing right now. Do you have any family that can support?

BCBird · 04/05/2025 05:15

Well he doesn't have the option of bowing out financially and physically from being a father.

user1471538283 · 04/05/2025 10:23

Oh right so he wants to blow up his family but still keep you on side unless these other women don't work out. No

He is not your friend or your team. You need to get legal advice and be strong. If he wants to be with another woman he can do so but you are not his fall back.

Honestly his arrogance.

Sodthesystem · 04/05/2025 13:56

rhi4 · 01/05/2025 16:13

I don't have any family as mine have all passed away and I have 2 friends that I don't really see as they have never really been fond of him and it's been hard over the years with our son who is autistic. The reason he gave was he feels like he isn't worthy of being a husband or a dad and feels like he can't provide properly. Which broke me as he is the best man ever but then he is on all these sites talking to women so I'm more confused than ever. I have spoken to him as he still lives here and sleeps on the sofa. He says he is talking to these women but doesn't know what he wants from them

So actually he's not a great man, he's a prick.

"Isn't worthy of being a dad". Well he is a dad whether he likes it or not. He can't quit that.
I hope you make it bloody clear to him that when he walks away he'll still be expected to do his share of the childcare.

Get the filthy love rat off your sofa.

Cheeky fucker cheating right infront of you and you're still giving it 'he's the best man ever'.

He's not, he's a total bastard.

I don't care what excuse he's using. He's talking to other women infront of you!

Wheres your rage op? Find it and use it to remove those useless lump of shitstain from your sofa and your life.

I'm raging on your behalf. You deserve so much better.

Smallmercies · 04/05/2025 13:58

He'll be doing you a favour in the long run - instead of just more of the same, this is your opportunity to change YOUR life for the better. It's all out there for you to enjoy!

Sodthesystem · 04/05/2025 14:02

'Doesn't know what he wants from them'.

Yes he does. He just doesn't want you to know he knows exactly what he wants.

He needs a skivy to keep washing his pants and cooking his food and looking after his kids but he also wants sex with other women.

He knows fine what he wants, he just doesn't know if he can leave you for one of these women who will be prepared to do all the grunt work you currently do so he's trying to half hold onto you by making out he's 'confused'. And still have the cake of shagging someone else.

Don't be a mug mdear. Your life will be better without this jerk in it. Don't let him yoyo you around. Get him gone.

SmoothRoads · 04/05/2025 14:09

OP, you should reach out to your friends.

As for your husband, tell him to pack his things and go. Don´t do anything for him anymore. Focus on yourself and your children. Speak to a lawyer as soon as possible. Gather up important paperwork and make copies where necessary.