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Original poster

What happened here ? I’m confused and would appreciate your opinions please.

36 replies

reeceseggs · 29/04/2025 19:27

I met a man at a bar last year. Long story short, he told me he was separated but living together as they have a child with AN.
I told him I had no interest until they were officially separated and lived apart but we text now and again I’ve r the year.
he text a month ago to say he has bought a place and was moving out by end of the month.
We met, kissed and he suggested we date. I agreed.
After that, contact was sporadic and to me it showed disinterest. I text after a week saying that I didn’t have interest in continuing this sham and I felt it was unfair to ask me to date when he wasn’t in the right head space to do that.( He had recently text to say he was up and down about it all but relieved it was formalised, hence my text to him)
He didn’t even reply!
what happened here in your opinion?

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 29/04/2025 19:36

I mean, youve been pretty descriptive. He tried to have an affair because he is a shady arse and you told him only when he was separated. So he left it a believable amount of time and told you he now was. You happily believed him. He had sporadic contact due to having a wife. You werent happy with this so end of affair.

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 29/04/2025 19:49

I’ve met plenty of men in bars with similar sob stories. PP is right. Use it as a life lesson and move on.

Original poster
reeceseggs · 29/04/2025 20:15

Thanks. Im
really starting to worry about how naive I seem to be. He seemed like an utter gentleman. Decent and genuine. I seem to believe every shitty story I hear . I need to work n this

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 29/04/2025 20:34

reeceseggs · 29/04/2025 20:15

Thanks. Im
really starting to worry about how naive I seem to be. He seemed like an utter gentleman. Decent and genuine. I seem to believe every shitty story I hear . I need to work n this

But he told you he was married. And you carried on messaging him.

Original poster
reeceseggs · 29/04/2025 20:41

No he told
me he was separated.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 29/04/2025 20:41

Never date a recently separated man unless you’re happy being a rebound fling or a casual shag.

They're very unlikely to be in the right headspace for anything more than that.

Eagle2025 · 29/04/2025 20:46

He text to say he was moving out by the end of that month. That's way to quick to start seeing someone new. He should have taken time to get used to being on his own for a bit. That was the missed red flag.

Darkgreendarkbark · 29/04/2025 21:46

I think the simplest explanation is adequate here. He moved out, rekindled things with you, but without much enthusiasm, so you dumped him. That was your decision. I don't really see the big mystery, or grounds for paranoia.

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 29/04/2025 21:57

Ah, the old "We are separated but still having to live in the same house because XYZ reasons" line. This crops up so often on MN it's a wonder nobody's written a song about it.

TheFlis · 29/04/2025 21:59

reeceseggs · 29/04/2025 20:41

No he told
me he was separated.

They always do!!

Maitri108 · 29/04/2025 22:02

reeceseggs · 29/04/2025 20:15

Thanks. Im
really starting to worry about how naive I seem to be. He seemed like an utter gentleman. Decent and genuine. I seem to believe every shitty story I hear . I need to work n this

He was trying to charm you into bed, of course he was a gentleman. If he was decent he wouldn't have tried to have an affair.

Quitelikeit · 29/04/2025 22:03

He might well have been separated and looking for somewhere to live or waiting for financial reasons etc

I think what happened was he was readjusting to his new life (despite already being separated it isn’t easy to just move on)

Then yiu got pushy and he thought cba with this nonsense

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 29/04/2025 22:13

If they're living in the same house - never ever go there. He's been lying.

It tells me that you don't feel you have many options. That you don't get many options and are therefore willing to accept dregs like behaviour.

Many many women understand this. It takes good self esteem and strong faith in intuition to navigate the number of men out there who will lie. You're a potential magnet to them if you struggle to read this. It's not a criticism; I was and am a magnet to terrible behaviour from people with no boundaries.

Based on what you've said, I'd make therapy something to invest in for yourself. It's like self love, self care. It's been essential for me.

Also go watch the drama on ITV called Fake.

Sassybooklover · 29/04/2025 22:16

DorothyStorm · 29/04/2025 19:36

I mean, youve been pretty descriptive. He tried to have an affair because he is a shady arse and you told him only when he was separated. So he left it a believable amount of time and told you he now was. You happily believed him. He had sporadic contact due to having a wife. You werent happy with this so end of affair.

Edited

This! He basically was never separated, and most likely still living at home with his non-the-wiser wife. He couldn't contact you regularly, because he's married and it's awkward. You took it to be disinterest and ended contact. He's probably not replied because he's found someone who's happily accepted his story, and is now having an affair with her instead. Chalk it up to experience. Don't beat yourself up over it either. Never date someone who says they are separated, the likelihood is they aren't, and especially someone who is still living in the marital home (even if it's supposedly separate bedrooms!).

Darkgreendarkbark · 29/04/2025 22:24

I feel like this man can't do right here.

Either - the whole thing was a lie from start to finish and he still lives with his unwitting wife.

Or... It's like he said. OP said "not till you move out", so he waited till he'd moved out and then got back in touch. Maybe it even pushed him to speed up the separation, when he realised women wouldn't entertain him as a serious prospect until he did. But then OP dumped him anyway, fair enough, her choice.

I know there is no end of lying scumbags out there, but it's also naive to think that there aren't plenty of (ex) couples who are in the position he described.

Bittenonce · 29/04/2025 23:01

reeceseggs · 29/04/2025 20:15

Thanks. Im
really starting to worry about how naive I seem to be. He seemed like an utter gentleman. Decent and genuine. I seem to believe every shitty story I hear . I need to work n this

So he’s not definitely single, he’s definitely not committed to a relationship with you, He was a chancer - block him now just in case he tries again, and you want to believe him. There’s better people out there

Original poster
reeceseggs · 30/04/2025 04:24

I’m just really surprised he didn’t respond. He was so mannerly !

OP posts:
BlossomMoon · 30/04/2025 05:24

He's obviously of the opinion that you've ended things with him, and he's not replied.
Were you expecting him to try and talk you around?
You met him last year, knew he was in a separated and still living with his wife and child situation. You maintained contact despite knowing that, and told him you weren't interested in anything more unless he left the marital home, and was free to date.
So he's done that, and then you finish with him.

It seems he's damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't.

He's obviously thought you're a bit high maintenance and moved on. Either that or he was never separated and he's spun you a line.
Either way, it's not got much chance of working out, so I'd chalk it up to experience and move on

DorothyStorm · 30/04/2025 07:01

reeceseggs · 29/04/2025 20:41

No he told
me he was separated.

In what was was a married man who lived with his wife separated?

BlondiePortz · 30/04/2025 07:03

reeceseggs · 29/04/2025 20:41

No he told
me he was separated.

He is still married, do you really not know this?

SparklyGlitterballs · 30/04/2025 07:06

If he had actually moved out (debatable) then he was probably like a kid in a sweatshop, suddenly having freedom to meet other women/shag around. He was too busy sampling other 'wares' to keep up with you. Well rid, OP.

SoOxon · 30/04/2025 07:12

A gentleman is a patient wolf

ChristmasFluff · 30/04/2025 07:13

reeceseggs · 30/04/2025 04:24

I’m just really surprised he didn’t respond. He was so mannerly !

Of course he was, when he was pursuing you. Once he decided it didn't have legs (for whatever reason), his real self showed through.

You did the right thing anyway. No-one needs half-arsed interest, and lots of men do this purely because they only want women who will tolerate their shenanigans.

SoOxon · 30/04/2025 07:13

reeceseggs · 30/04/2025 04:24

I’m just really surprised he didn’t respond. He was so mannerly !

🙄

sumhip · 30/04/2025 08:07

I think the back story/housing situation is kind of irrelevant here. More like; boy meets girl, have a date, it doesn’t have legs/no real spark so he minimises contact, you then call it off. If he was into you he would be pursuing you, there’s nothing more complicated than that.

Sorry OP, sounds a little harsh, but I think we can all be guilty of looking for deeper meaning when the simple answer is usually the right one.