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Original poster

Think my husband has a secret porn habit

27 replies

Flowerpotblooms · 29/04/2025 15:20

Hi, I think My husband has a porn habit but I didn't know how to ask him without it causing even more damage.

I know he downloads and looks at porn (all vanilla, legal and nothing surprising). I know cause I suspected and I snooped on his laptop and saw it. There are near daily downloads.

We have a child but a pretty non existent love life, he had a autoimmune issue a few years ago and he said it took its toll on his labido. So I relaxed about it. Then i started to suspect he was "sorting himself" out with the porn - while I'm on the house but downstairs or when I've gone to bed. And sure enough, he does have a labido - sadly just not for me.

I've gone quite distant from him, not rude but we are definitely more flatmates now which I hate.

If I confront him, any changes he makes will feel like it's cause he got caught, not cause he wants to. And I know I shouldn't have snopped on the laptop - which I know wasn't right.

But he just won't ever start a conversation about our relationship, I'll need to instigate it and I don't know what the right thing to do is.

My best friend is stumped about what to do, I've waited for months for him to finally ask if everything is ok and is this something we need to talk about but he won't.

What should I do? How should I do it?

OP posts:
Angela59 · 29/04/2025 15:25

Yes you should, calmly but firmly but before doing so reassure him that nothing he will say or show you will change anything and what he tells or shows you will stay confidential.

Most men look at porn, some do it to vent things they may be ashamed or frightened to tell their partners about.
But your encouraging openness and honesty in your relationship.

Good luck

TipsyJoker · 29/04/2025 15:29

The problem is he’s choosing porn over you. So his porn use is damaging your relationship. Sometimes men end up developing a porn addiction where they can’t get it up for a real woman. You need to talk to him.

Original poster
Flowerpotblooms · 29/04/2025 15:51

Thanks very much, it's the sneakiness of it all and, yeah, the near infidelity of it. It feels like a cheating situation but I also don't think it's a deal breaker if we manage it well. But I just didn't see a clear path and i wish he would bring up.

I've considered deleting his secret porn folder just to see what he would do but that's my own fantasy 😜

OP posts:
Gymbunny2025 · 29/04/2025 16:34

In a way it was him that distanced himself from you, not the other way around, originally. He has lied to you (said he has a low libido) and stopped being intimate with you.

what is it that you would like to happen? Do you want him to stop watching porn (he’ll probably just hide it better) or start being intimate again (I agree it would feel like I was forcing him).

sorry not an easy situation

Original poster
Flowerpotblooms · 29/04/2025 16:57

I don't actually know what I want to happen - for him to admit he has a problem and he is stuck. To be sorry about it? But if he isn't then I don't know.

I feel like he is wasting my youth in a sex marriage I didn't agree to. I ask him if he was happy (when he told me about his libido) and he said yes -- he never ask me if I was (or has since wondered and asked).

I don't want to break up but I can stay like this for 40 more years.

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 29/04/2025 17:47

I ask him if he was happy (when he told me about his libido) and he said yes -- he never ask me if I was (or has since wondered and asked).

So, he’s happy as he is whacking one out to porn and essentially completely neglecting you. I think if you want a sexual relationship, you need to just be frank with him. I would say something like,

“We haven’t had a sex life in, (x amount of time), I miss having an intimate relationship with you. You said you have low libido, which I could understand given your autoimmune issues. However, I know you’re using porn and choosing to satisfy yourself without coming to me. This hurts my feelings and I feel rejected and sad. If you have an issue with having sex over using porn, we can talk about it. I’m open to listening to you. I just need to know where things stand.”

ginasevern · 29/04/2025 18:19

He is being unfaithful to you OP. He's satisfying himself with other women (albeit virtually) without a care in the world for your needs or feelings. You didn't sign up to a sexless marriage and he owes it to you to talk honestly. People say porn is harmless but it really isn't, especially where men are concerned. It leads to addiction and the devaluation of women - usually their wives. Yours is a perfect example and you are far from alone. You're going to have to lay it on the line with him. Yes, be sensitive but bear in mind he's been lying through his teeth about his low libido.

JMSA · 29/04/2025 18:24

Do you actually want to have sex with him? Sorry, I wasn’t clear from your post.

Init4thecatz · 29/04/2025 18:29

Basically what I and the other commenter are trying to get at is, if you initiated intimacy, would it happen, and would you want it?

Gymbunny2025 · 29/04/2025 18:31

She says she is in a sexless marriage she didn’t agree to…

0hs0tired · 29/04/2025 18:44

I was in a similar situation. I was completely ignored for porn. We talked, he says that's not him anymore, he's disgusted by who he was, etc. Who knows if any of that is true. Probably he's just hiding it better. I get a fair bit of DARVO from him too, doesnt give a shit that he made me feel rejected and terrible. But my self belief is at rock bottom. I don't know how to pick myself up. It's such a hard conversation, I know. I got labelled a prude by friends so felt very lonely even when i reached out, but i used to try games, toys clothes to get him interested. I didn't feel prudish, just a hater of what porn does on multiple levels. Porn was just better than me. My H wants me to be over it and belive that he is this different person now. So I try to carry on with the relationship. Sometimes hating him. Mostly hating me. And I wouldn't recommend it.

Original poster
Flowerpotblooms · 29/04/2025 18:51

Wow, thanks for all your comments and support. I would like to a sexlife with him again (when it was good it was great and I do love him) but we need to find a way through this, through talking of course but I feel like our trust has been broken.

I have thought about just initiating something spontaneous but I freeze and realise he has probably not long, ahem, finished so it was could forced or just strange. And well, it's been so long if either of us started something it would feel weird.

I really appreciate the scripts of what to say cause I just don't know how to find the words. And I agree it's a cheat cause he is looking at other women instead of me.

I really am so pleased for your support, what a lovely group 💓

OP posts:
Original poster
Flowerpotblooms · 29/04/2025 19:01

0hso0tired ..... I worry about those things too, it's so consuming at the moment that even if he changes, will I relax and believe him? I dunno. Will he just hide it better. I don't know what the next steps are for us but the advice here has been helpful. I do think you deserve more than what you have now, you deserve to be in a place where you relax into the relationship and trust him. That's what I want.

OP posts:
Flyinghigh27 · 29/04/2025 19:03

My husband watches and downloads porn and it actually annoys the hell out of me. He will comment on how their bodies look compared to mine( they are slim with no lumps or bumps) while I have a few lumps and bumps. He also likes watching porn where the women are wearing satin/silk/latex clothing and only likes to have sex with me when I am dressed like this. It makes me feel like there is actually something wrong with me for the fact that he will only have sex with me if I'm dressed like this. It has been like this our whole marriage which is well over 20 years and since I've come on mumsnet it has actually opened my eyes to the fact that it's his issue and not mine, so much so that I'm thinking of leaving him(various other reasons aswell).

Farageisafraud · 29/04/2025 19:18

I guess porn can be an insidious and damaging addiction, and all too easy to fall into bad habits when sex life is struggling. Really up to your husband though for sorting it out, especially if he is rejecting your advances and turning down opportunity for sex. Really needs a conversation - on the lack of sex life first and how you want things to be as it sounds completely unsatisfactory and dysfunctional.

If he's got some performance anxiety then start slow and give chance to build up gradually to how you were. Don't think there's anything wrong with you referring to the porn though, given how this is clearly affecting you.

You mentioned you both have child too - but if your child is over the baby/toddler sleepless nights phase there's no reason why you can't be resuming the sex life you had before. If he's sleeping in separate bed/room that's also something that's going to make it more difficult for you to get back to normal - appreciate this works for some couples though I've heard of a few cases with sexless/almost sexless marriages where they are sleeping separately.

Sylvester999 · 29/04/2025 19:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TipsyJoker · 29/04/2025 19:31

0hs0tired · 29/04/2025 18:44

I was in a similar situation. I was completely ignored for porn. We talked, he says that's not him anymore, he's disgusted by who he was, etc. Who knows if any of that is true. Probably he's just hiding it better. I get a fair bit of DARVO from him too, doesnt give a shit that he made me feel rejected and terrible. But my self belief is at rock bottom. I don't know how to pick myself up. It's such a hard conversation, I know. I got labelled a prude by friends so felt very lonely even when i reached out, but i used to try games, toys clothes to get him interested. I didn't feel prudish, just a hater of what porn does on multiple levels. Porn was just better than me. My H wants me to be over it and belive that he is this different person now. So I try to carry on with the relationship. Sometimes hating him. Mostly hating me. And I wouldn't recommend it.

Leave him. You deserve better than this.

TipsyJoker · 29/04/2025 19:34

Flyinghigh27 · 29/04/2025 19:03

My husband watches and downloads porn and it actually annoys the hell out of me. He will comment on how their bodies look compared to mine( they are slim with no lumps or bumps) while I have a few lumps and bumps. He also likes watching porn where the women are wearing satin/silk/latex clothing and only likes to have sex with me when I am dressed like this. It makes me feel like there is actually something wrong with me for the fact that he will only have sex with me if I'm dressed like this. It has been like this our whole marriage which is well over 20 years and since I've come on mumsnet it has actually opened my eyes to the fact that it's his issue and not mine, so much so that I'm thinking of leaving him(various other reasons aswell).

There’s nothing wrong with you, he’s the one who can’t get it up unless you’re playing a role because porn has warped his mind. You deserve better. I would leave him. He sounds like a gross loser tbh.

OchreRaven · 29/04/2025 20:03

Whether porn is cheating depends on the views of the couple. There are couples that swing, have threesomes etc and don’t consider it cheating however most people would consider sleeping with someone else cheating.

The important factor is communication. This is why couples should have open and clear communication at the beginning of the relationship about their boundaries with porn. If one party breaks these it’s cheating.

I wouldn’t go down the route of banning porn if it isn’t a boundary you had established at the beginning of your relationship as it is likely to build resentment. Instead I would frame the conversation in a way that highlights you miss intimacy and want to work on your physical connection but you are concerned that he has replaced this with porn and want to get back to a place where both of you are satisfied with your sex life.

Im no expert but I think if you have found mainly vanilla porn on his downloads it won’t be an extreme addiction as my understanding is that men tend to need more and more extreme material which is why they often can’t finish with normal real life sex.

Instead it could just be that he is lazy and it’s easier to have some self pleasure than put the effort in to have sex. If you haven’t communicated to him you are dissatisfied with your sex life he may be completely oblivious. I’m hoping this is the case and a good talk is all that is needed to kick start things again.

Smithey885 · 29/04/2025 21:10

I think there are lots of different angles to this and scenarios where porn might be acceptable within a relationship and others where it won’t be.

IMO, I think for the majority of men, there are usually two reasons why porn is preferable to real life sex - They either don’t find their partner physically, mentally or sexually attractive or, they have anxiety issues and possible ED.

For two years I completely avoided any sexual interaction , ( I wasn’t in a relationship) as I knew I couldn’t physically have sex. I still had a libido so I would use porn. I think this type of scenario is much more common in younger men, as it becomes more acceptable as we age.

@Flowerpotblooms how old is your DH and does he have any ‘issues’ as far as you know?

The secrecy and hiding it, especially whilst you are in the house presumably doing things he could be helping you with is disrespectful and not on. Likewise if you have previously told him you don’t like him watching porn then that’s another issue as he is effectively lying to you, I wouldn’t however go down the cheating route, I think that’s a little OTT but it depends on your boundaries as a couple.

Lastly, for men ( I can’t speak for the women ) there is a difference between a libido for physical sex, and a libido to having an orgasm by another means. Sex uses energy , takes time and can be messy, whereas a ‘wank’ is quicker and takes little effort.

However I can’t imagine any man would go months without sex and choose porn instead just because it was easier unless there was an underlying issue, either with him or the relationship.

Original poster
Flowerpotblooms · 29/04/2025 21:22

Smithey885 · 29/04/2025 21:10

I think there are lots of different angles to this and scenarios where porn might be acceptable within a relationship and others where it won’t be.

IMO, I think for the majority of men, there are usually two reasons why porn is preferable to real life sex - They either don’t find their partner physically, mentally or sexually attractive or, they have anxiety issues and possible ED.

For two years I completely avoided any sexual interaction , ( I wasn’t in a relationship) as I knew I couldn’t physically have sex. I still had a libido so I would use porn. I think this type of scenario is much more common in younger men, as it becomes more acceptable as we age.

@Flowerpotblooms how old is your DH and does he have any ‘issues’ as far as you know?

The secrecy and hiding it, especially whilst you are in the house presumably doing things he could be helping you with is disrespectful and not on. Likewise if you have previously told him you don’t like him watching porn then that’s another issue as he is effectively lying to you, I wouldn’t however go down the cheating route, I think that’s a little OTT but it depends on your boundaries as a couple.

Lastly, for men ( I can’t speak for the women ) there is a difference between a libido for physical sex, and a libido to having an orgasm by another means. Sex uses energy , takes time and can be messy, whereas a ‘wank’ is quicker and takes little effort.

However I can’t imagine any man would go months without sex and choose porn instead just because it was easier unless there was an underlying issue, either with him or the relationship.

Thanks, I do appreciate the male perspective. I hate the thought of the reason being he isn't attractive to me anymore but also I'd rather know sooner than later.

He has no underlying reasons that I'm aware of - apart from the autoimmune issue (which is sorted and hasn't needed any meds for years). He is in his early 50s, swims, is fairly fit and able bodied.

As someone else mentioned, given it's all vanilla and fairly standard - I think the habit is more transactional (get his rocks off than fetish) than anything. But it's been going on for years, it's causing a complete lack of any couple-ness for us.

He must know I'm not happy about something but he just doesn't seem to care.

OP posts:
0hs0tired · 29/04/2025 21:23

Flowerpotblooms · 29/04/2025 19:01

0hso0tired ..... I worry about those things too, it's so consuming at the moment that even if he changes, will I relax and believe him? I dunno. Will he just hide it better. I don't know what the next steps are for us but the advice here has been helpful. I do think you deserve more than what you have now, you deserve to be in a place where you relax into the relationship and trust him. That's what I want.

Thank you. I'd love to relax into the relationship. It's what I'd hoped for too, but I've spent 5 years feeling up and down. The constant self questioning about whether I'm being ridiculous or not even though I know I'm unhappy. But kids, and supposedly all men are like this, and all the other reasons.

Gymbunny2025 · 30/04/2025 04:21

@Smithey885you say there is a difference in libido for porn and sex. But what would happen if he genuinely did stop watching porn and wanking?

Parkrun69 · 30/04/2025 05:34

I wonder if he has stopped seeing you as an actual person who has sexual needs .
And views you as wife mother homemaker ?
He has turned to porn for his sexual gratification.
Have you ever spoken about your needs ?
As a man hearing your wife reach out saying
“ I have sexual needs do you realise this “
Suddenly you are not just a mother and a homemaker
If he won’t have a conversation about this I’m assuming you have a vibrator
leave it out on the best side table and when he eventually comes up to bed he will see it
Again possibly seeing you in different way
and perhaps promoting a conversation

Smithey885 · 30/04/2025 19:26

Gymbunny2025 · 30/04/2025 04:21

@Smithey885you say there is a difference in libido for porn and sex. But what would happen if he genuinely did stop watching porn and wanking?

Only he can answer that, but it could be that he just doesn’t enjoy sex. It’s a minority but some men,ike some women, don’t find sex appealing and would rather sort themselves out. I don’t get it at all but my uncle was similar, always saying he found sex a chore.

i’m not saying for one moment what he is doing is right, however it doesn’t appear the OP has confronted him about it, and when he said he lost his libido due to his autoimmune issue she said she was relaxed about it, so they’ve either fallen into an unhealthy rutt or he genuinely believes she isn’t interested in sex either due to her being relaxed about not having sex when he didn’t have a libido.

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