DP of 15 years seems to hate me

[lulujuju]

Just that really. When we first met he was so kind and loving, but for the last year it feels like he is no longer on my side. We were on a day out with DC over Easter and DC commented that he was in a chatty mood, and he laughed and said he's always chatty, just not with your mum. It dawned on me that he gives his best for everyone else except me. Our conversations don't extend beyond what's for dinner and who is picking up DC. He doesn't ask about me or my day or seem to really care.
At home lately he has been grumpy and I am starting to walk on eggshells to keep his mood up around DC. I swore I would never be in a relationship like this as I grew up in an abusive home and as a result I am very aware of how people are feeling and their moods (I wish I wasn't) and I feel on edge and uneasy when I am around him. He is always kind to DC but he doesn't seem to want to be around them if I am there.
I suspect cheating (he cheated before 10 years ago - I was a fool to stay), but I have no proof and his phone is totally locked down. I have seen him using an app which I think is called 'Signal', I googled it and it says it's an app used by people who cheat as the messages disappear. I don't really know why I am posting, just feel so sad today.

I'm not surprised you feel sad. Being treated like this erodes you as a human being. Yes to being foolish to stay after cheating. It almost never works and you can end up becoming a shell of your former self.

Sorry OP, hatred towards the partner and general disinterest is almost a clear sign of cheating. Trust your gut on this. Is there any way to confirm?

I'm sorry to hear that. You're right he doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with you. Unfortunately when you take back a cheat they often take it as a sign to carry on cheating.

I would have a conversation and ask what's going on. Mention his moods, his avoidance of you and the fact that he doesn't seem interested. See what he says.

Thank you all for your replies, I am grateful. I have no way of getting near his phone and he has different passwords now too. I could hire a private detective, but I know they can't access phones now as it's illegal. I also forgot to mention that he has been invited to a wedding in August in Morocco, I asked him if I could go with him but he said the invitation was for him only. I suggested that me and the DC could go with and just not attend the wedding, which he initially agreed to but has now changed his mind. I suspect he could be planning to go with the affair partner, I've never met the person whose wedding he has been invited to so perhaps they don't know about me. I have no proof of any of this though and I feel like I really need the proof or he will just say I am crazy etc.

Using signal doesn't necessarily mean he's cheating. It's just another messaging app like whatsapp or telegram.

It sounds like you're both unhappy and need to decide if you want to be together or not anymore

What is stopping you from leaving

No but as WhatsApp is pretty much the standard you have to question why someone has chosen to download and use signal. The one that has disappearing messages

True, although I think you can make messages disappear on any of them really.

If he said that to your DC - he’s saying he doesn’t even care enough to pretend. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t care - maybe he’s cheating, maybe not, but if he can’t make any effort then he’s not worth any effort either. Stay - and you’ll be ground down, decent people can’t not be eroded by this and I think you need to escape while you’re mentally intact.

DC would be devastated as they adore him and I think he will deny everything as he has an easy life at the moment, I work full time but do nearly everything for DC and around the home. He will lie and try and turn it back on me or say I am imagining things. I am very passive as I grew up terrified so I will do anything to avoid conflict. Pathetic I know. Having the talk with him makes me want to cry.

He’s banking on your conflict avoidance to enable him to behave however he likes unchallenged. It’s really hard to have the difficult conversation, but you sound so unhappy now that it has to be worth a try? Even if it’s just to say you can see he’s disengaged from your relationship and it’s making you both miserable, so where do we go from here? I agree the wedding story sounds like crap and it’s very possible he’s cheating. If he’ll gaslight you if you raise that without proof, then come from an angle you are sure of - he’s checked out of your marriage and it can’t continue. Be brave xx

OP, it seems to me that the cheating is almost a red herring. I don't mean to underplay what a betrayal it would be. But it's soul-destroying to live with a man who hates you, or at least is angry and hostile towards you, whether or not he's cheating. You deserve better and so do your children- they should not see their mother treated like this. What you are enduring is hard and very undermining.

Perhaps counselling is the way forward. You're in an unhappy relationship and can't have a conversation about it. It might help to discuss this with someone and get a clearer picture of what you want.

You don’t need proof. You can say “this isn’t working for me any more and we need to split up”. That’s it.

Ignore any drama, lies, spin.

Use a separate address for email contact about the kids to keep him at arms length.

He would still be parenting his kids, so they wouldn't need to be devastated.

Who owns the house? Start planning for after he's dumped and you can build a peaceful, enjoyable life.

DC may adore him but they have recognised your DP treats you poorly which is damaging for them and you. Re him denying things - why does this matter? If you're unhappy you make a decision and what he does/doesn't admit to is irrelevant. You don't need to agree to split.

Yes, you don't need proof but you deserve to be happy.

I would give give him divorce papers as an ultimatum.

See how he reacts

Also, as he has previously cheated he shouldn't have a password on his phone, it he wants the relationship to work, it has to be on your terms.

I am not encouraging snooping however, you as his wife should know his password - what if you want to browse some family photos on his phone.

Also, if he wants the marriage to work, tell him he is not going to Morocco for a wedding without you.

As another poster said you need to be brave, either leave him, or he works hard for his marriage and makes you feel like a priority as his wife x

@SonK OP didn't mention a husband, so it's uncomplicated to remove herself from the relationship which is seemingly long over. Just the housing and co-parenting to sort.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to comment. You have given me strength, going to talk to him tonight.

Our conversations don't extend beyond what's for dinner and who is picking up DC. He doesn't ask about me or my day or seem to really care.

Bear this in mind when you try to speak to him later. He openly doesn't care about you.
There's nothing to fight about, he's not enhancing your life.

Just read your update, good for you to tackle it and have the conversation with him, however difficult. Don't let him make you feel stupid/ridiculous/paranoid etc in fact if he starts with all that, walk away. You don't have to stand there and take his bullshit, remember that. You deserve to be treated respectfully, with kindness and you deserve honesty. If he doesn't give you any of these things walk away.

You have been through a lot and I definitely think you would benefit from some therapy so you believe in your own worth. And get some legal advice too 💐

This is so sad to read, please find strength and leave this awful man.
You don't deserve his contempt.
Wishing you all the luck in the world x

Hope you're okay.

Ahh I didn't realise - I stand corrected! OP should definitely end the relationship I agree, she deserves better.

I hope you are okay OP x