DP of 15 years seems to hate me

[lulujuju]

Just that really. When we first met he was so kind and loving, but for the last year it feels like he is no longer on my side. We were on a day out with DC over Easter and DC commented that he was in a chatty mood, and he laughed and said he's always chatty, just not with your mum. It dawned on me that he gives his best for everyone else except me. Our conversations don't extend beyond what's for dinner and who is picking up DC. He doesn't ask about me or my day or seem to really care.
At home lately he has been grumpy and I am starting to walk on eggshells to keep his mood up around DC. I swore I would never be in a relationship like this as I grew up in an abusive home and as a result I am very aware of how people are feeling and their moods (I wish I wasn't) and I feel on edge and uneasy when I am around him. He is always kind to DC but he doesn't seem to want to be around them if I am there.
I suspect cheating (he cheated before 10 years ago - I was a fool to stay), but I have no proof and his phone is totally locked down. I have seen him using an app which I think is called 'Signal', I googled it and it says it's an app used by people who cheat as the messages disappear. I don't really know why I am posting, just feel so sad today.

Aw OP you sound like a lovely person, he shouldn't be able to believe his luck having you as his partner and the mother of his child. He is treating you so badly, you really do deserve better, it's no good your child seeing his father treat you like this either. Please make plans to leave, you shouldn't be walking on egg shells trying to keep the peace. I really hope that finances aren't going to be a huge barrier to you being able to separate xx

I was oblivious to my previous partner's affair.
One day we were out at the seaside with our children, just a normal day out, whilst we were having lunch I caught a look from him directed at me that I can only describe as pure loathing, I was cutting up DC food and remember thinking, that's so odd.
Coming home from that trip I was driving and spilt coffee in the car.
You would think I murdered his Mother!
Completely over the top reaction.
I found out about his affair two weeks later when a hotel booking receipt came through when he was supposed to be working nights. He had booked the night off.
When you know you know.
One of the first signs of cheating is othering you, impatience, snapping, they have to put you in a box, otherwise they feel shit and they cannot be feeling shit.
Trust your instincts OP x

My friend and I use Signal as its safer privacy wise than WhatsApp, but it does sound very suspicious to me.
Can you just confront him when the kids are not there and demand to know what's going on?
It sounds like you are living in limbo.

I read a newspaper article this week that said women are hiring private investigators to follow their partners and to prove they are having an affair.
I’d consider doing that.
Sounds like this relationship has run its course

hope you are ok OP

How are you doing, OP? I’m sorry you are going through this. I had similar with my ex. Looked and spoke to me like he hated me. I joked, as someone said above, that you’d think I’d shot his mum or something, the way that he was with me at the end. I don’t think mine was having an affair - he has a low sex drive (always has done and was the same with his ex wife) so I don’t think that drives him - but when pushed he exploded at me about how I was officially the worst person in the world. He treated me terribly over the last few months.

I think mine was depressed and blamed me for it. But, anyway, that’s me and we don’t know why your DP is acting the way he is. I hope you can talk to him and get some remorse. If he doesn’t acknowledge how he’s talking to you and resolve to change it then please end things before it gets worse and your self esteem gets more eroded. Best to take control of the situation. It also shows your children that you shouldn’t put up with that kind of behaviour.

I spoke to him and he said I was imagining things, and that he wanted to go to Morocco alone without having to worry if we were okay. But this will be his third break alone this year (he is a keen runner and has done 2 events so far, one abroad and one in the UK) leaving me alone with the DC. We don’t have any family breaks planned so joining him in Morocco makes sense to me. He gets loads of alone time and time to run and meet up with people. He swears no affair.
Financially I would struggle but I would be okay.

He is of course being extra nice and chatty now as he can see I am upset. Thank you all again for your support, you have no idea how helpful this is.

How frustrating. I guess you need to decide whether it matters if he’s cheating. Whether his treatment of you regardless of OW is grounds for divorce.

For what it’s worth I think he is cheating. He has shown he is capable and acting distant and cold, trips away and no access to devices is classic affair territory. He’s completely gaslighting you.

You could ambush him one night and ask for access to his phone. It’s not like he can claim you are crazy as he has done it before. If he refuses you tell him you will proceed on the basis that he is therefore being unfaithful. Then get your ducks in a row and when ready leave him.

This is unacceptable behaviour. If he is not cheating he still needs to address his behaviour towards you and the inequality in your relationship. Maybe couples counselling would help but this would all be pointless if he can’t prove he is trustworthy.

I work full time but do nearly everything for DC and around the home

Alongside the fact he's cheated on you and looks like he has again.

Alongside the fact he's treats you with disinterest, indifference, verging on contempt.

It all comes together to mean you're in an abusive relationship.

Would some counselling help you?
.

But this will be his third break alone this year (he is a keen runner and has done 2 events so far, one abroad and one in the UK) leaving me alone with the DC. We don’t have any family breaks planned

Also essentially abuse.

He gets breaks,you don't.

He spends money on himself, that's not spent on you and your kids.

This is a very unfair, unequal relationship, totally aside from the previous cheating and suspected cheating.

Financially I would struggle but I would be okay.

And you might have time to yourself you currently don't get, unless he refuses to host his own kids on his own, ever.

couple of days before he goes ask him to show you right then and there his holiday room booking details. Whilst it won’t likely give you a name of his affair partner, it will confirm if he booked the room for 1 or 2 people….

I feel really sad for you OP, relationships are supposed to make you feel happy and supported, and this one sounds like the opposite!

I think the cheating is a red herring - you can leave for any reason, you don't need proof of anything. It sounds like you already do everything for the family, so the main difference would be that you're not living with someone who makes you feel awful. I think in the long run it would be a huge relief.