I'm being gas lit aren't I?

[wearyapple]

Am I being gas lite?

I think I know the answer….

Just over 4 and a half years ago my wife told me that she had been having an affair over a couple of months. She would see the AP pretty much every day and be in constant communication from the time she woke up in the morning until the minute she went to bed.

For the first few months she was in the fog. We worked hard at our relationship and thing started to get better in some ways and got worse in others. But the hurt never went away and to this date remains at the forefront of my mind. Fast forward to now and everything has changed.

I love her. Thats one thing i must stress. If I didn't I wouldn't be putting myself through this. I will do what ever it takes to fix this, but I feel I still haven’t had a reason why or how she could do this to me, to us or our family. I ask time after time for her to think hard why this happened and I get “she was stupid” and “she doesn’t know why or even how she could do it”!. She even says that she never wanted the affair and wish it had never happened. It just happened and she was stupid.

I have tried to explain that how can I trust and forgive if I don’t no what I’m forgiving. I stated that she was a cheat! How do I know it won’t happen again when the right person comes along? She just keeps saying she is not a cheat! Yes she was then, but she isn’t now! It feels like everything I say, she is brushing past like it didn’t matter. Like my feelings don’t matter and its history.

I feel stuck. To me her life hasn’t changed. She lost nothing and she didn’t have to face any consequences.

I wake every day with this constantly on my mind. I feel I wasn’t enough. It feels like she is getting dressed up, going to the gym and trying to better herself because she wants better. Just like she did at the beginning of her last affair.

I know people will say to leave or will say once a cheater always a cheater. That’s not the advice I’m looking for. Im looking for people that have been where I am now.

I feel like I have lost everything. My family, my wife, my self-esteem. My ability to trust! I constantly feel on edge. While she is out there loving attention, having fun and living a care free life, while telling me that it’s been 4 years and at some point I need to just get over it.

She does put in the effort. She does try and be affectionate and communicate through the day. Am I the one with the problem?

I don’t want to leave. I want fix what’s broken. But I just don’t know how.

Could you try relationship counselling?

It sounds like you could do with some couples therapy.

Theres a lot to unpack here and it seems like there’s more issues at play than just the cheating.

I've been where you are now but not married.

You have said you don't want the advice but tbh it's true.

Get some counselling to help you find a way forward, it won't go away on its own. Once you've lost trust it's near on impossible to get back

Which bit is the gaslighting?

I don’t see any gaslighting.

You are unhappy that you can’t get over your wife’s cheating and feel that you haven’t unpacked it fully - how/why it happened, so that you can feel safe if won’t happen again.

She feels like you are bringing it up again and again, not letting it go, continually bashing her over the head with it, making her feel bad, when she wants to move on.

Both of you have a valid point. I think that you need to sit down and tell her that you really need to discuss it one more time, to fully unpack it and understand it. Explain that once you get that resolution, you will feel better able to move forwards and try forget about it. And won’t keep bringing it up. I would suggest some couples counselling sessions if you haven’t been able to get to that point after four years without one.

Personally I could never forgive a cheat, I could never get over that. But if you choose to stay, then I do agree that you can’t keep bringing it up again and again.

@MemorableTrenchcoat

I would say that saying that she didn't want the affair is gas lighting. Say she didn't want to have an affair is gaslighting.

Wouldn't you agree

@MarkingBad

People must get through this. They all cant end up in divorce. Can they?

No, I don’t agree. At worst, it’s a straightforward lie. Gaslighting is a sustained effort to destroy someone’s mental health, by making them question their perception of reality.

She’s gas lighting in saying she’s not a cheater. She is. And she will always have cheated on you.

I would suggest you check out the website surviving infidelity and also book in for some marriage counselling. Your wife needs to understand that in order for you to move forward, you need to have all your questions answered and because she’s just trying to dodge the line of questioning she feels uncomfortable with, the whys, she’s prolonging the recovery of the relationship and the rebuilding of trust.

That’s not gaslighting, it’s simply lying. There is a very big difference.

This is absolutely not gaslighting.
Just because it's not what you want to hear, doesn't make it manipulative and deceitful. There is nothing malicious about her intentions and she's not set out to make you believe you're crazy or wrong.

I do understand though, and I feel sad that after 4 years you both haven't been able to move on and make peace with what happened. I also believe your wifes avoidant answers are part of the problem.
As others have said, I really think you need couples counseling.

She is a cheat. She needs to acknowledge that within herself and take full responsibility. She needs to be saying she wants to slowly regain your trust at a pace you're comfortable with. That you can check her phone, that she won't have contact with the person ever again etc.
That she won't go certain places that could be triggers.

Definitely she should be suggesting counselling. I hope you can get through it.

No that’s just lying not gas lighting

I think couples counselling would help you too. Both you and your wife need to be prepared to be honest and also hear things that you don't want to hear. It's not an easy process, it can be hard. But you can get to a place where you are more honest with each other and can draw a line and restart the relationship in a better place. If you really want to save the relationship, it's definitely a good thing to do.

What you can't do is carry on as you are - burning with resentment, wanting your partner to constantly go over old ground and repent. What consequences would you like her to have? Do you want to berate her forever? She did something really awful and hurt you badly, yet you chose to stay and try and work at the relationship.

Your wife may not even understand fully why it happened. Often with affairs, it's just timing - meeting someone who makes you feel attractive and special when you're at a low ebb, maybe dissatisfied with aspects of your life and feeling taken for granted or unappreciated. It's easy to fall prey to the lure of excitement and attraction and before you know it, you've done something that you know will cause terrible pain and anguish to your partner.

You keep asking her why and she can't articulate why. This is something you could both explore in therapy. But ultimately, you are the only one who can decide if you stay or leave.

You're completely in the wrong. You have been haranguing your wife for four years over an affair which is abusive.

You decided to remain in the relationship therefore you need to move on and work together on your relationship. All you've been doing is bullying this woman, using the affair as an excuse.

Doesn't sound like love to me. Either put it behind you or end the relationship but stop harassing your wife over it.

I think the people who get through it are those where

• The cheater is utterly remorseful, works hard to make it up to their partner, fully unpacks the reasons why they cheated, works to make sure they never do it again.
• The one cheated can clearly see their partner has done all of the above, is able to forgive and move on without continuously using the cheating as a stick to bash their partner with.

It’s not impossible to get past, but it takes a lot of hard work and communication from both sides. Those who don’t do the above sometimes limp on for many years afterwards, but aren’t able to make it work further down the line.

@Maitri108

You don't even know what has gone on or why!

I have not been abusive to my wife at all.

I could say that the fact that she had an affair in the first place was abusive. I could say that the fact she wont give the truth is a form of abuse.

Yes I did decide to remain in the relationship. I didn't stay so I could be lied to. The least that any decent human being that wouldn't cheat would do, would be to give the person the truth. The why, the how, the because.

Why is that bullying her? Why am I a bully?

So its ok for people to cheat to lie to hurt and destroy families.

I am not the one in the wrong here. I didn't cheat. Im not a bully and this is not abuse

May be if you knew the whole story i would accept what you have said.

Im not trying to punish her. I just want some answers that may help me move forward.

She has the answers, i just wish she would share them.

If you think thats abusive or thats me bullying my wife then thats your opinion!

I have been where you are and take it from me, she knows why she had an affair.

It pretty much comes down to she weighed up everything that she had with you vs the excitement of the other person and the risk was worth it.

She’s selfish and that’s it. I believe that a person’s actions define who they are. Someone who commits murder, will always be a murderer. Someone who cheats will always have that capacity to cheat. Somewhere deep down, she believes that you deserved it.

How can you love someone who actively tries to destroy you?

I stayed for 7 years after his affair, it was pretty much my first and last thought every day. I couldn’t take it anymore and asked him to leave over a year ago. I’ve been able to let a lot of the resentment and anger go now. I know this is not the advice you are looking for but you would feel better leaving.

When push came to shove, she chose herself, it’s time you did too.

@wearyapple If you don't want to hear other people's opinions, don't ask for them.

I was responding to this:

I ask time after time for her to think hard why this happened

This is bullying. You've been asking over and over again why she's had an affair for FOUR YEARS.

I'm surprised your wife hasn't snapped. You also say that you wake up every day thinking about it. That's an unhealthy fixation.

I would suggest individual counselling for yourself.

How do I know it won’t happen again when the right person comes along?

You won't. That's the answer to that. You won't, and you need to work out if that's something you can get your head around, so you can remain in the relationship, or you can't, in which case the relationship needs to end.

Not every relationship fails after the revelation of an affair, but a lot do, and the ones that don't are changed forever. You need to decide if you want to move forward into a different chapter of the relationship, with it changed, and work out how that is going to look for both of you. Only you can decide whether that's something you want to do. She doesn't have the magic answer you're looking for.

@Maitri108

I appreciate everyones opinion, good or bad!

However, I do not take kindly to being made out to be a bully or abusive just because I'm acting like any sane person would finding out there life partner has destroyed their life by a choice and action that could have been avoided if they hadn't been selfish.

Thats what this comes down to. Selfishness. My wife will admit that I give her no reason to cheat and she wasn't un happy with our relationship. But its clear by her actions she must have been unhappy.

I haven't been asking here very minute of the day for over 4 years. But yes it is the first thing I think of and the last thing at night and yes it is unhealthy! But so as an affair.

Why are you trying to make me out to be the bad guy here?

There's articles on this which show many couple stay together after cheating, however they usually require great communication and often counselling. If you want this to work you both need to go to couples counselling and you need to be able to move on.

What attention is she loving ?

It sounds like you both want to be in the relationship but you need some help communicating and getting past some unresolved issues.

In your wife’s mind she’s thinking “well you forgave me and stayed, why are we still talking about this?!” That doesn’t mean she isn’t sorry about what she did though.

You need to see a couples councillor so you can air your feelings and move past this.

@wearyapple Nothing you're doing is sane or rational.

Many people leave if their partner cheats, you chose to stay. Instead of trying to move on, you've asked your wife over and over again for four years why she did it.

That's not normal behaviour, that's the behaviour of someone obsessed.

If you can't live with the fact that your wife cheated, then end the relationship. Stop bullying her.