What did people who loved you do that helped you leave a bad relationship?

walker1211 · 2025-04-29T07:05:38+00:00

I’d love to hear from anyone who’s managed to leave a damaging relationship, especially what those around you did that genuinely helped you make the change. A close friend of mine is in a difficult relationship. It’s not my story to tell, but her partner is emotionally volatile and controlling. She walks a constant tightrope in her own eyes, doing everything she can to keep him from leaving or emotionally lashing out. It’s exhausting to witness, and while she believes it’s all her fault, those of us close to her can see how much it’s breaking her down. We know we can’t fix it, but we love her deeply and want to support her in whatever way we can. For those of you who’ve been through something similar, what did the people who loved you do that actually helped?

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 29/04/2025 08:21

Does she want to leave?

DoNoTakeNo · 29/04/2025 08:27

Beforehand - nothing, they left it to me.
After - they said “oh we’ve known you weren’t happy for years”
🙄
However, I did it in my own time and that was important in the circumstances.
Just be there when they need to talk & if they ask for help.
Best wishes to you all x

eta: eye roll because I thought I was hiding it!

Original poster

walker1211 · 29/04/2025 08:28

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 29/04/2025 08:21

Does she want to leave?

Very good question and maybe that’s the conclusion. She wants this situation to end, but that end to be him leaving as she feels she couldn’t handle being the person to end the relationship and break up the family and of course that she loves him.

OP posts:

5128gap · 29/04/2025 08:33

Showed me in a 100 ways that I was worth more. Raised my self esteem with positivity about my achievements. Showed me by their own treatment of me I was a person worthy of love and respect. Opened my mind to other ways to live by gently encouraging me to do things outside the relationship. Never raised it unless I did, never told me what to do, or showed any disappointment or judgement which would have made me feel worse.

MrsPerfect12 · 29/04/2025 08:37

Until she's ready to leave there is nothing you can do.

Any criticism on the relationship could make her double down and not speak.

She needs to realise he won't leave, he has everything as he wants it.

Been in her shoes unfortunately.

Original poster

walker1211 · 29/04/2025 09:27

MrsPerfect12 · 29/04/2025 08:37

Until she's ready to leave there is nothing you can do.

Any criticism on the relationship could make her double down and not speak.

She needs to realise he won't leave, he has everything as he wants it.

Been in her shoes unfortunately.

Thank you so much. I hope you are in a better place now and so sorry you experienced this.

OP posts:

Original poster

walker1211 · 29/04/2025 09:31

DoNoTakeNo · 29/04/2025 08:27

Beforehand - nothing, they left it to me.
After - they said “oh we’ve known you weren’t happy for years”
🙄
However, I did it in my own time and that was important in the circumstances.
Just be there when they need to talk & if they ask for help.
Best wishes to you all x

eta: eye roll because I thought I was hiding it!

Edited

Yes definitely the same at times here. “He is trying so hard not to hurt me (emotionally not physically) and stay with me” etc. I am glad you are through to the other side.

OP posts:

Original poster

walker1211 · 29/04/2025 09:32

5128gap · 29/04/2025 08:33

Showed me in a 100 ways that I was worth more. Raised my self esteem with positivity about my achievements. Showed me by their own treatment of me I was a person worthy of love and respect. Opened my mind to other ways to live by gently encouraging me to do things outside the relationship. Never raised it unless I did, never told me what to do, or showed any disappointment or judgement which would have made me feel worse.

Thank you so much. This is what I will focus on.

OP posts:

JenniferAnistonForReals · 29/04/2025 09:34

My friends let me talk about it over and over, which must have been difficult for them. Frustrating at times and dull. But they listened. When I was finally ready to end it (and it took ages) a friend dealt with all the practicalities of ‘stuff’ so I didn’t have to deal with my ex. She packed up my things, took them to my new place and stored loads at hers for when I had the energy to deal with it. I am forever grateful.

Crunchingleaf · 29/04/2025 09:35

I pulled away from my family while I was going through the abuse. However, when I left and had to start my life over again. I was welcomed back home. Life is good again.

GreenwayHouse · 29/04/2025 09:57

I was in a horrible relationship with someone and I completely normalised his behaviour over a period of years. It would have been helpful to have had people
pointing out to me that the way he behaved was not normal. It was only when I was out of it that I realised how bad it was.

I remember telling some mutual friends about how, in front of a load of people in a bar once, he had grabbed and twisted my arm and screamed in my ear that I was a worthless tw@t or something, I can’t quite remember now, and these friends laughed and told me about a row they’d had in which he’d pulled her hair and she’d chucked his university coursework over their garden fence. And then they scuttled off and said they didn’t want to get involved in “domestics”. So I thought, oh well, that behaviour’s normal then and at least he didn’t pull my hair!

MonaChopsis · 29/04/2025 10:17

Told me (gently) that the way ex-H was behaving was not normal, and not okay. Refused to be around him/visit me at home but were always happy to have me visit them. Listened to me vent, and reassured me they would help if I wanted to leave him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2025 10:19

My sister told me I looked fucking miserable, had done for ages and she was going to make me tell her what was going on. Then she let me sleep on her sofa for a couple of months while I filed for divorce and found my own place.

Original poster

walker1211 · 29/04/2025 10:20

JenniferAnistonForReals · 29/04/2025 09:34

My friends let me talk about it over and over, which must have been difficult for them. Frustrating at times and dull. But they listened. When I was finally ready to end it (and it took ages) a friend dealt with all the practicalities of ‘stuff’ so I didn’t have to deal with my ex. She packed up my things, took them to my new place and stored loads at hers for when I had the energy to deal with it. I am forever grateful.

So glad you those people around you. Glad to know just listening is somehow helping. It very hard as she see it all through a lens of it’s her fault.

OP posts:

Original poster

walker1211 · 29/04/2025 10:23

GreenwayHouse · 29/04/2025 09:57

I was in a horrible relationship with someone and I completely normalised his behaviour over a period of years. It would have been helpful to have had people
pointing out to me that the way he behaved was not normal. It was only when I was out of it that I realised how bad it was.

I remember telling some mutual friends about how, in front of a load of people in a bar once, he had grabbed and twisted my arm and screamed in my ear that I was a worthless tw@t or something, I can’t quite remember now, and these friends laughed and told me about a row they’d had in which he’d pulled her hair and she’d chucked his university coursework over their garden fence. And then they scuttled off and said they didn’t want to get involved in “domestics”. So I thought, oh well, that behaviour’s normal then and at least he didn’t pull my hair!

It is such an issue that this type of thing can be normalised.

OP posts:

OldandTired66 · 29/04/2025 10:24

By listening to my endless whinging, by telling and showing me how their marriages were so different to mine and that it was ok to leave and I would be fine, despite my great age. So much practical and emotional support on finances, buying my own place, moving. Just being there and making me laugh. Not quite out yet but nearly there.

BigDahliaFan · 29/04/2025 10:25

I did a lot of listening to a couple of my friends in bad relationships - it was really hard to bite my tongue at times because I'm a natural 'fixer' - and just wanted to snap my fingers and make it better.

The advice above to show them that they are worth more is so important.

With one friend I managed to go away with her - just her - and we didn't do anything amazing - but she just said that is showed her how relaxing life could be when she wasn't having to be constantly walking on eggshells.

Liveafr · 29/04/2025 11:32

I remember my friend not saying one word of criticism or judgement when I told him I was back with my ex again for the xth time. Even through I knew he thought it was a bad idea, and I thought it to deep down. The fact that he didn't judge me made it easier to turn to him when I was finally ready to leave for good.

ArtemisiaTheArtist · 29/04/2025 12:01

Be kind, obviously.
Offer space in your house to run to.
Have all the helplines ready, in your phone.

GreenwayHouse · 29/04/2025 12:11

BigDahliaFan · 29/04/2025 10:25

I did a lot of listening to a couple of my friends in bad relationships - it was really hard to bite my tongue at times because I'm a natural 'fixer' - and just wanted to snap my fingers and make it better.

The advice above to show them that they are worth more is so important.

With one friend I managed to go away with her - just her - and we didn't do anything amazing - but she just said that is showed her how relaxing life could be when she wasn't having to be constantly walking on eggshells.

That was one of the things that made me realise how bad this ex was for me. I went away on a trip for a few weeks and felt calm for the first time in years. He then joined me - there was a family wedding in the middle of it - and I became totally stressed and walking on eggshells all over again. He left and I was calm again. That made me see how much drama I'd got used to.

WorriedOnion · 29/04/2025 15:31

GreenwayHouse · 29/04/2025 12:11

That was one of the things that made me realise how bad this ex was for me. I went away on a trip for a few weeks and felt calm for the first time in years. He then joined me - there was a family wedding in the middle of it - and I became totally stressed and walking on eggshells all over again. He left and I was calm again. That made me see how much drama I'd got used to.

Show quote history

More often than not it's when we are away from them, temporarily or hopefully permanently, that we realise what we are/were enduring; we can then see them with 'seeing' eyes, not the blinkered (for want of a better word) eyes they trained us into having.

They keep our heads filled with them, in one way or another, intentionally so that we don't have the headspace to see their behaviour for what it is.

With freedom comes clarity then we can start trying to come to terms with and heal from what we've been put through.

jimbort · 29/04/2025 21:30

I will never forget my best friend saying don’t ever think you have nowhere to go and just generally being there for me despite how poor of a friend I was (because he was trying to isolate me so it was difficult to stay in touch with anyone as it would make my home life hard). Also my sister giving me a place to stay even though he had succeeded in isolating me from her (or so he thought) just generally being there and not judgemental but loving and kind and giving practical help with the kids. And patient with my endless thwarted attempts to leave when I kept bottling it. Also Mumsnet was amazing at telling me what his pattern would be (suicide threats and love bombing- they were spot on which somehow made it easier to see him as an abuser who was behaving in a calculated way ) you sound like a lovely friend and it’s really hard to watch someone you care about in this situation

jimbort · 29/04/2025 21:32

JenniferAnistonForReals · 29/04/2025 09:34

My friends let me talk about it over and over, which must have been difficult for them. Frustrating at times and dull. But they listened. When I was finally ready to end it (and it took ages) a friend dealt with all the practicalities of ‘stuff’ so I didn’t have to deal with my ex. She packed up my things, took them to my new place and stored loads at hers for when I had the energy to deal with it. I am forever grateful.

This as well! I had a friend who acted as a buffer for child handover and it made a massive difference

Letsgoforaskip · 29/04/2025 21:42

I agree with PP who have said that the person involved has to get to that point themselves so all you can do is be there. One of my friends tried to say she could no longer be my friend if I kept going back. Although I completely understood that she was only saying it to try to save me, I would have chosen the awful relationship. My advice is to keep communication open and let them know they always have a bolt hole should they need one. I hope it safely resolves soon. 💐

MonsteraDelicious · 29/04/2025 21:47

5128gap · 29/04/2025 08:33

Showed me in a 100 ways that I was worth more. Raised my self esteem with positivity about my achievements. Showed me by their own treatment of me I was a person worthy of love and respect. Opened my mind to other ways to live by gently encouraging me to do things outside the relationship. Never raised it unless I did, never told me what to do, or showed any disappointment or judgement which would have made me feel worse.

This 1000 times over.