My mum won’t spend time with us - but is unhappy

[NurtureGrow]

As the title says: my mom won’t spend time with us but is unhappy and lonely.

I’ve gone from feeling bad she won’t visit us much with a new baby / to feeling bad she is unhappy.. I spoke to her yesterday and asked what she is up to and she said ‘not a lot.’ This is her response for years.

I recently wanted to organise a 2 night break away, most of which I’ll pay for, over my cousins wedding. She said she didn’t want to stay, and went back and forth, but has finally agreed as she’s worked out it will cost her more to take a taxi. We wanted her to spend time with us and her grandson. I visit her, try to organise nice things. Obviously I couldn’t visit her with a tiny newborn though.

She has a crush on a decorator who painted her house. He sees her sometimes, but isn’t seriously interested. She seems to value male relationships but not us (me - her only child, my husband, her grandchild.)

What can I do when she doesn’t seem to value us her direct family, or want to spend time with us, but then seems down?

People say, ‘I hope your mum has visited’ she hardly does. I feel somehow it’s my fault. I try again and again in different ways. She won’t use a smart phone to send photos/ videos to keep in touch. It seems she wants to be isolated, but then is unhappy. I feel badly for this. She has let me down in many ways through my life, but I keep trying. WWYD?

She is healthy and able bodied, not very old

She also won’t use email, so I can’t send photos that way

I would stop trying and respect her choices. She doesn't want to visit or spend time with her family and that's up to her. Has she actually said she's lonely?

Thank you, she acts down as though life is awful and she is alone, but doesn’t want to do any of the things we suggest. She has no joy. Somehow I feel responsible, like my family feel it’s my fault I don’t see her.

She is clearly unhappy, but won’t do any of the nice things we suggest, but then tells me she is unhappy.

It's very disappointing for you that she's not bothered about spending time with your family. Although you say she's let you down in other ways in the past so I guess she won't change now. It sucks.
Do you think she suffers from depression?

well it sounds like she’s depressed. When you’re depressed, it’s hard to pick yourself up and go out and spend time with people.

I think you need to gently ask her if she’s okay, and just honestly tell her how you feel, with the aim of finding out if she’s depressed, has anxiety, whatever is wrong. She’s the only one who can tell you. Try to do that before you give up on her.

@Loubylie @TwoWithCurls thanks so much for your replies.

Yes, the problem is she has always been emotionally disengaged with me (and everyone,) but easier for others I imagine as they are not her daughter. She doesn’t have any friends. Just our few family really. She doesn’t arrange to meet the family either. She will meet them if I coordinate though and we go together.

About 8 years ago she told me she ‘hadn’t felt emotion for 12 years.’ I told her that was concerning, worrying and unusual and suggested she talk to someone. She got defensive and said she wouldn’t.

I don’t know what to do to help her. And the issue for me now is, it’s making me feel bad to have to interact with her and not be able to help. I even feel guilty. But all the nice suggestions we make she doesn’t want to do.
I’ve had depression (due to my upbringing with her,) but I did the work and am ok now. But she’s the same.

Even with our newborn she tried to resist visiting for more than a few hours. That was devastating. But her behaviour is such that I’ve put that aside and now I feel bad not to do more for her. Which isn’t how it should be at all, for me, with a baby a few months old..

This is really sad. Your mum sounds badly depressed, having no feelings for 12 years, even with newborns in the family. You're doing the best you can OP and probably at some level the fact that you care is making things a bit better for her.

Thank you @Lookingtomakechanges that comment was 8 years ago, so if nothing has changed (it doesn’t seem to have) it means she’s felt like that for 20 years 🤦‍♀️

It’s like the twilight zone really, as no one really sees it so well but me. And my husband a bit.

I had kind of accepted she is like this, but her not wanting to visit our newborn kind of pushed me over the edge. I foolishly thought everyone, even my mum, would want to do that. She seemed excited, but then the reality didn’t match.

My husband thinks I need to do something physical, maybe like tai chi to build resilience to cope with it. Does anyone have experience of that kind of thing working?

I’ve done meditation etc. it’s also hard because at this point it feels like such a rejection. But she is obviously not just rejecting only me.. but life in general

Your mother’s situation is concerning but its not your fault and its not your responsibility to fix it. You are suffering too because she is disengaged and, in effect, abandoning you i er and over. Meanwhile, in the last twelve years, you have had many important issues and milestones that she should have cared about. But didn’t. And now you have a young child to care for. Don’t take on the burden of trying to make your mother happy. You can’t. She will just whine, complain, and drain you. This will leave less and less for your little family and yourself. Let her deal with her own life.

@pikkumyy77 yes… somehow I feel responsible. Which is particularly odd because I left home early, I couldn’t stay there.

I guess the situation is just depressing and I want her to be ok, I don’t want to give up on her. But she is kind of making me responsible even with a young baby. When really she should support us, even just a bit.

It’s also hard because no one has ever clearly turned round and acknowledged the situation in my family. Small comments, but they’ve never really said so in detail.

And indeed I do feel abandoned over and over all through my life by her. But I haven’t wanted to give up on her, it’s so strange. That’s why I keep extending myself 🤦‍♀️

My husband also says I need to focus on our own small family. He is right.

But is also feels so cruel and sad to leave her like this.

At this point, the rejection over and over, is having a negative impact on me.

I guess I was vulnerable with a newborn.

How can I continue to be in touch with someone like this (even my mother), but I can’t help. But not feel badly. Thats the problem.

You are not responsible for your mother’s happiness. Have a look at FOG- fear, obligation and guilt. You will not change her.
And I’m sorry- you deserve more.

She sounds like she has suffered from depression for a long long time. You probably do feel rejected but it has nothing to do with you, your personality or what you could have done to change it . One sign of depression is when nothing brings you any joy or you feel no emotion. This sounds like your mother . She needs help, professional help but unless she agrees there is nothing you can do except be there and assure her you will support her if she chooses to seek help. Your DH is right concentrate and enjoy your new baby and your own family.

I also wanted to come on and add that she is not your reponsibility. You mentioned that you have had depression but that you engaged with help and got better. I have also suffered from depression and got help for it. I also (in moments where I was able to) pushed myself to get out and do things and reach out to people.

Your mum isn’t powerless, even in her illness. She could pick up the phone to the doctors, to a therapist, to you. She chooses not to.

This is what SHE is choosing. Free yourself of any guilt or feeling of responsibility, and choose what YOU want to do.

Maybe you could make one weekly phone call to your mum- scheduled at a particular time so that you know you will call her then and you can not think about it for the rest of the week. You could also always end the call ‘you know where I am, mum, if you ever want to visit’. But say it with no real expectation that she will. That way you’ve made it clear she is welcome to visit, but you aren’t investing energy or emotion which won’t be matched by her.

then you could make a list of all the things that do bring you joy and focus on spending the vast majority of your time doing those things and investing in the relationships that are fulfilling for you.

Such a long time.
As to what might help you, are you open to some kind of spiritual practice? I'm thinking something like the Buddhist metta meditation where you send love and compassion first to yourself then to the other person. It can be very healing and calming, and amazingly sometimes appears to make a difference to the other person too.
It also centres around accepting what is, in this case that your Mum at the moment is cut off from you by something awry in her mind, but underneath that is still a whole person. There is still much more to her than her illness, or whatever it is.
Even if this isn't usually your thing, it could be worth giving it a try since nothing else is helping much. Lots of info available from Google.
Oh and yes, chi gung or tai chi could help too.

Thank you @Autumn38 this is a really good idea. I’m glad you were able to get help for the depression you experienced 🙏 x

I did something like that long ago @Lookingtomakechanges so could definitely try again.. I see how it could help in this situation. Thank a lot for your kindness and everyone who has replied..

Maybe it has been hard because she has rejected me so much before.. but from what you see, grandparents usually love to meet and see their grandchildren. The fact she doesn’t shows there is something deeply wrong.

And that’s hard. It leaves me thinking is it my fault? Could I have done anything differently.

Could she be hiding a medical condition that makes her nervous to leave her house - eg toilet related

@Avatartar hmmmm, I’ve never considered that. She does seem to not really want to leave the house. But this is long term. I realise since I was at uni.. she has various excuses, so it’s hard to know what the real reason is..

I don't know what could be going on with your mum - there are some long term/chronic conditions which have depression as a symptom.

Then there's the stereotypical grumpy old woman/man: the category which the aging population can fall into. I feel like I have become less tolerant of people and less adventurous as I have aged. I sometimes think that if it wasn't for having to go out: childminding grandchildren, school run, shopping, I wouldn't go out at all. I can't be bothered. I can't even be bothered to potter in the garden which I tolerated up to last year. I fear that I'm becoming a recluse. It was aggravated by major surgery which H had a few years ago, which turned him into a grumpy old man with an additional personality change. I can 'act' what I think it might be like to be normal but I feel 'nah can't be arsed' and I turn down more and more stuff which I never used to: meeting friends, days out, theatre, hobby groups.

I think my preference for solitude is a combination of menopause, pain and autism and has nothing to do with not wanting to visit my family (which I can't be arsed). I realise that this is my life and I hope that I'm not the person that sucks all the fun out of an occasion, as I think I'm still acting 'happy', but I don't want to go down the medication route.

I'm in a group chat with my daughters and there never seems to be a day when the messages stop pinging backwards and forwards. I do try to make effort to message when it goes quiet and I would hate for my daughters to stop messaging altogether.

And when I'm really down, I think that I'm only ever contacted because I'm 'required' for childminding, but that usually doesn't last long.

And then there's times when I think 'what's the point?'

My family know how much I love them because I tell them and I know that I still do have emotions - because I still laugh at myself when I find the butter under the sink and the washing up liquid in the fridge and I stand bawling my eyes out every time I'm reading verses in the card shop. So I know I'm still 'feeling'.

I put it down to my overactive/overthinking autistic menopausal brain.

It's a very messy combination of upbringing, experiences, health conditions, circumstances,
where we all end up, which explains our actions.

I am expecting dementia at some point ... that's another factor.

There is almost always an explanation for human behaviour: internal and external variables.

Love her as she is. She’s a depressed woman. As her daughter you may never be told what’s gone on to make her like this and it’s definitely not you who should be the one to make her open up or try to fix her.

It could be harder for her to be around you if she feels the constant judgement of her state of mind and whether she’s feeling anything that she should be feeling.

Keep the visits short if she needs them short. Keep interactions easy.

With depression all feelings are numbed and trying to act like a normal person is sometimes impossible.

I hope the grandkids spark some joy in her as time goes on.

None of this is your fault or responsibility.