My mum won’t spend time with us - but is unhappy

[NurtureGrow]

As the title says: my mom won’t spend time with us but is unhappy and lonely.

I’ve gone from feeling bad she won’t visit us much with a new baby / to feeling bad she is unhappy.. I spoke to her yesterday and asked what she is up to and she said ‘not a lot.’ This is her response for years.

I recently wanted to organise a 2 night break away, most of which I’ll pay for, over my cousins wedding. She said she didn’t want to stay, and went back and forth, but has finally agreed as she’s worked out it will cost her more to take a taxi. We wanted her to spend time with us and her grandson. I visit her, try to organise nice things. Obviously I couldn’t visit her with a tiny newborn though.

She has a crush on a decorator who painted her house. He sees her sometimes, but isn’t seriously interested. She seems to value male relationships but not us (me - her only child, my husband, her grandchild.)

What can I do when she doesn’t seem to value us her direct family, or want to spend time with us, but then seems down?

People say, ‘I hope your mum has visited’ she hardly does. I feel somehow it’s my fault. I try again and again in different ways. She won’t use a smart phone to send photos/ videos to keep in touch. It seems she wants to be isolated, but then is unhappy. I feel badly for this. She has let me down in many ways through my life, but I keep trying. WWYD?

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche thank you for sharing. I do understand ‘It's a very messy combination of upbringing, experiences, health conditions, circumstances,
where we all end up, which explains our actions.’ I would just say I think we can always talk things through and improve them. Im glad you mostly know your daughters don’t just contact you for childminding. Im sure they love being around you ☺️ I also understand re the autistic brain. I do wonder if my mum has that. Very best! xx

@OriginalUsername2 I completely hear you.

I think the difficulty with the below:

Love her as she is. She’s a depressed woman. As her daughter you may never be told what’s gone on to make her like this and it’s definitely not you who should be the one to make her open up or try to fix her.

Is that I’m the one that has to keep interacting with her in this state.. she doesn’t talk to anyone else. So I understand you say I shouldn’t try to fix her, but I’m meant to observe this for years and years, front row and there is nothing I seem to be able to do and it hurts, negatively impacts and gets me down? It’s hard, that’s what I’m saying.

In terms of ‘loving her as she is.’ I think I do, for decades I do. I keep inviting her and she keeps rejecting me. I keep showing up for her and she keeps not showing up for me. I think when someone requires convincing to visit you when you have a baby it really puts it all into perspective. So yes, I can love her as she is. It’s not that I have to have anything in return. It’s just a big ask for one human to another. To love and give as is.. and just be rejected in return, whilst also not being able to help. And honestly I don’t want her to stay like this. That’s why I asked WWYD. I really appreciate your answer though. I guess I just have the shiort straw in terms of mother/daughter relationships

Sorry for the typos.

I guess the other solution is try to remove all emotion from it. And just try to show up, never expecting anything.

Just because you feel responsible doesn’t mean you are. A feeling is a feeling not a fact. You can’t make another adult happy.

i would suggest put your energy into accepting who she is and that’s it’s not up to you to fix her, In time that will lesson the feeling of guilt which is a horrible feeling .

No, this is magical thinking which is common with emotionally abused children. If only I was better she’d love me etc. You aren’t that powerful that you can alter another human!

it’s an awful thing to do with one’s kids, make them feel responsible for your emotional wellbeing. My mother did well still does it if she can, venting to me , I then worry and she’s fine because she’s used me as an emotional dumping ground.

Could you organise family counseling for the pair of you to see if you can get her there that way. I can’t see how you can get her help if she won’t take the first step to engage. What about walking? That’s about the best thing you can do to help her turn the corner on her own? Will she come for a walk? How often can you do it? If you could manage 3x60-90 mins a week for a few weeks see if it helps at all.