Marriage with no intimacy

[Runner82]

Married 10 years, together for 15. DH is 7 years older than me.

Intimacy started to fall away the year before we got married. Stupidly ignored it and thought it was just the pressure of everything. It has never come back. We have been forced to confront it when trying to conceive and do have two children but outside of this we have only had sex 3 or 4 times, in ten years…

I recently went to counselling to try and work out how best to even bring up the subject with my DH. I felt so much shame about the whole situation and had only spoken openly about it with one friend. We tried to work on it but the harsh truth is I no longer have any desire to be intimate with him and felt like I was having to fake it. The whole thing was so awkward and he couldn’t maintain an erection. It left me feeling worse than before.

In recent years he has stopped caring so much about his appearance and has put on some weight whilst I’ve worked really hard to stay fit and look after myself.

I feel so stuck. He is a lovely caring husband who does so much for our family. My parents and siblings adore him as do my friends. I cannot imagine the impact us separating would have on our children or my relationship with my own family. He would never suggest separating as he seems fairly content to continue as we are. For the sake of my children I feel I should stay in the marriage but it’s a lot to give up myself. I want to feel desired and haven’t felt that way in over a decade.

That's sad. I don't know what to say other than it reminds me very much of what one of my oldest, closest friends went through.

He left as soon as their only child went to uni. She had asked me many times over the years about my marriage, how often we had sex, who initiated it and so on. Her ex was adopted, went through multiple children's homes, barely knew his bio mum and never knew his dad. The way that my friend explained it to me in the end was that he had never received love and so couldn't give it. I don't know how much of that she told herself to make it make sense or if there is more to it than what I know.. Anyway, just wondering if your husband came from a normal loving family..

Edit - normally I'm loathe to suggest anyone should leave anyone because I think it's lazy or impatient or something but if your guy is like my friend's ex then yes you need to consider your future..This isn't a rehearsal as they say..best wishes :)

Thank you for the reply. My DH did have quite a different upbringing to me. MIL is a devout catholic and he grew up in a far more traditional, conservative household than I did. Bizarrely I would say he is more tactile than me when it comes to hugs etc. I’m not really a hugger!

He is quite old fashioned and a real homebody. He just wants a decent meal and some TV of an evening and he’s content with life.

How old are you both? I assumed from your post that it was your husband who no longer wanted intimacy, is that correct? You have had counselling but what has your husband done to try and help the situation? You now say that, you no longer want to be intimate with your husband. Is this due to not feeling wanted by him or because he's not physically looking after himself or both? Do you want to be intimate with a man again? If so, then this is more than just a loss of sex drive. It means you're happy to be intimate with a man, just not your husband. Do you love your husband? Is your marriage a happy one even without any intimacy? How you proceed depends on part to your answers to the previous questions. Ultimately it's a case of staying in a sexless marriage or divorcing. It depends if you can and want to continue in a marriage with no intimacy.

We are 42 and 50. The intimacy gradually fell away and neither of us initially did anything about it. It has always been me that has raised the subject though, he always wanted children but I’m not sure how he thought they were going to miraculously appear.

It had been 5 years since our youngest child was born and I sought out the counselling to give me someone to speak to openly about it. I do not think my DH would have ever done anything about it.

My feelings about it are complicated. I definitely do not feel as attracted to him as I once did but I think that it’s also the fact I’m having to try and solve this and feel like he’s obviously not wanting to be intimate and cannot be that attracted to me.

I would like to be intimate with a man who made me feel desired yes.

I do love my husband. He’s my best friend and in all other areas I do feel our marriage is a pretty good one. We both work full time and one of our children has a disability, we work well as a team to manage all the challenges that entails.

Is there a possibility he may have an addiction to porn or is he seeing someone else?

I definitely don’t think he’s seeing anyone else. There just aren’t any opportunities for him to.

I’d not really thought about porn addiction etc. He’s always seemed so prudish but you can never tell I guess.

Also consider depression, low self-esteem, low testosterone or some physical reason. It may be worth checking with a gp

The thing is, you may end up being even more resentful when the kids have flown the nest. At which point you MAY feel over the hill and regret not moving on sooner.

I would leave OP.

Only you can decide whether it’s better to stay in a sexless marriage than split up. I guess it depends how important physical intimacy is to you and how much you like your DH. I can imagine it’s really tough

Some people just aren’t bothered once post 40. Or earlier. We are all so consumed with jobs and kids activities and tech etc.

@Runner82I was in the same position as you a few years back. Married for many years with sex only a handful of times since having the kids. It went on like that for years. I just don’t think a marriage is sustainable with no intimacy, as resentment creeps in and one or other of you inevitably starts looking elsewhere. What I found was that by the time the DC got to their late teens, XDH and I were actively avoiding each other in the house and the situation became impossible. he developed feelings for a woman he worked with (which I only found out about much later). We ended up divorcing, and I can’t tell you the relief I felt at not having to bear that burden of shame and guilt any more. I think you need to be honest with yourself and think do you still want to be in that position in 5 years time. If not, do something about it now while you’re still young enough to find someone who gives you the attention you deserve. I divorced in my 50s but wish I’d had the guts to do it 10 years earlier. Good luck 💐

OP,
I am in the same position but reverse. My wife "enjoyed denying " (her words) and has only initiated sex 1 time in 26 years. The ovulation schedule doesn't count for the 2 boys, that was a hell that I'll never forget.
Can I ask you just how hard did you try to initiate? (not trying to be intrusive but my wife is still attractive at 50 and she only has to wear a light shirt and I was always ready)
As a guy, I can tell you that we never turn down sex unless there's something really damaging in the relationship, and even then, we'll still rise to the occasion.

Let me elaborate.
My sexless relationship went like this.
I convey my affection by doing anything my wife asked of me, or didn't even ask.
If she wanted a new kitchen....bam, new kitchen, if she wanted a new car...bam, new car of her choice. I even keep the house clean when I come home after work feed the kids, take care of everything to give her a break from being a stay at home mom for the last 16 years.
When I try to initiate intimacy she always says NO, when I tell her that I never say NO to anything she wants, she'll twist it around and say that just because I do everything for her, that doesn't mean that she's a prostitute to me, and that I shouldn't expect her to do anything sexual with me.

We very often don't know people as well as we think we do.

There is a reason for his lack of desire and you need to talk to HIM about it and demand he be honest, even though it's embarrassing. Only HE knows why. I have had this issue with my husband who I have also been with since 20yo with a 7 year age difference and have decided to leave at the end of the year (I will be 46) when my eldest finishes senior schooling. Because, while I want my children to have a perfect childhood due to my own shitty one, I am no longer willing to become so deeply unhappy that I feel like drowning myself in the ocean over it. If I end up alone, fine.

These sorts of things are just tinder waiting for a box of matches to come in the form of another man finding you attractive and igniting your attraction to him.

I almost had an affair last year with a younger man I worked with. The attraction was magnetic/explosive. I resisted it by ignoring him and he ended up leaving as his way of dealing with it but both he and I were quite hurt from the whole process, which could have been avoided had I been getting intimacy at home and not been so deprived.

The kids will be ok. But you might not be. I have a child with ASD as well so I know it's a hard choice.

I firmly believe that men that don't make any effort in their appearance, in romance, or having sex with their wives no longer love them. And that's on him.

The 'universe' won't decide for you. You have to make this choice. Either stay and be unhappy, take lovers and deal with the guilt or leave.

my husabnd is a prude from the kind of background your husabnd is but he confessed to watching porn

This will probably be the most personal post I’ve ever made here. My marriage was very similar, though no kids (not enough sex to have them!) Three years ago it all blew up when, like @sometimeslifesucks above, he developed feelings for a colleague. We divorced and as far as I know they are still together.

The most painful part of the whole thing is that it seemed he genuinely desired her, which I guess he’d never done for me. That was incredibly painful, because like you for years and years I’d been the one trying to work on things and to have a sex life. And I’d also consciously accepted being with him without that (including not having a family). And then he left me for sex with someone else. It also turned out that he had a porn addiction! You really can never tell.

while we were together I would have described my ex as you describe your husband, kind and caring, dependable etc. I saw a totally different side of him during the divorce, which was utterly selfish and cold. And to be honest I now think that anyone who can deny their spouse affection and love for so long IS inherently selfish.

I know how hard it is to talk about this in real life, I felt the same deep shame that you describe. But I so wish that I had, and I suspect if I had done I would have left much sooner. A marriage without sexual intimacy really isn’t a marriage at all. if you aren’t ready to leave yet, please get counselling at least - it might help you to process your feelings and see your marriage and husband more clearly.

I would never have imagined that my husband would be the one to leave me, in a million years. But I’m very glad he did. The divorce was awful but I am so relieved not to be trapped in that awful situation any more. I have a boyfriend now and we have a fabulous sex life. It’s fun and relaxed and intimate and we spend hours and hours in bed just enjoying being with each other. I never thought I’d have that again and it is lovely. And so incredibly easy.

When the dynamic is as it’s become with your marriage and with mine there is no way it is ever going to change. I’d accepted that and come to accept that I’d never have good sex again (crazy of me in retrospect). And then he left me for another woman, when I was in my 40s and it was too late for me to have a family with someone else…. I look back on those wasted years and wonder what on earth I was thinking and why I didn’t value myself or my needs more.

I wrote about this recently on another thread. I firmly believe sex is an important part of a marriage unless BOTH partners agree it’s not. I was married for 15 years and the sex dwindled to almost nothing. The last sex we had was the night I conceived our second child. I left 6 years later. It was soul destroying living with someone who didn’t find me attractive, especially as, although I’m no supermodel, I’m reasonably attractive and never had problems dating in the past.

While I would never advise anyone to have sex they don’t want, I do think that if a partner doesn’t over a long period of time, they need to seek help and explore options to help them revive their libido. In my case my ex didn’t fancy me because he was a closeted gay man (small town, religious school, religious family). On paper we were perfect - lots in common, similar backgrounds, similar profession, similar values, politics, and interests. We even had the same taste in music. But he was gay. He even suggested we continue to live together and have a lavender marriage, but I couldn’t do that to myself. He moved out to a house very nearby and we had a very child centric care arrangement (we nested the children - they stayed in the family home and we took turns living there and caring for them - it’s not for everyone but it worked for us). I have a partner now who is mad about me and shows it, and it is wonderful to feel so loved and desired - so life affirming.

You have one life. There are no do-overs. There’s no reason you can’t still be friends.

I don't have any words of wisdom but I could have written this post. It's really hard.

When the cage door opened, the bird had forgotten how to fly

Thank you for the recent replies. It is really helpful to hear other people’s experiences as it’s not something I can discuss irl with many people.
It has been a while since the original post and nothing has changed on the intimacy front. We have managed to discuss things more and I am now aware he is taking antidepressants which he’d hidden from me. He has agreed to relationship counselling. We are in the process of organising that which has meant I’ve needed to speak to my own mum about things in order for her to know why I’ll need her help with babysitting. For some reason I’ve found that conversation really helped and felt like a weight was lifted. I guess I felt like I was living a lie a bit in front of my parents appearing to have this perfect relationship.

I suggest you read No More Mr Nice Guy

@Runner82 did you know he was depressed? What did he say when you discussed things? He sounds very avoidant, which sometimes feel like they have control over you. Do you think he enjoys the feeling of pushing you away?

It’s good that you feel you’ve moved forward in addressing this. What do you hope the couples counselling will achieve? It doesn’t sound like you have ever had a good sexual dynamic together so it’s probably not realistic that counselling will somehow create that. Or are you hoping that with a counsellors help you will be able to agree on how to stay married without sex (an open relationship or similar?) or to separate amicably? If nothing changes, do you still want to be in this relationship in five or ten or twenty years time?

(Also, no need to answer those questions here, they are quite personal - just asking them for you to consider for yourself)

I want to feel desired and haven’t felt that way in over a decade.

It’s quite the double standard you wanting to be desired yet you say you have no desire to be intimate and are not attracted to him. Maybe he picked up on the fact you have no desire for him so he also backed off, maybe he wanted to be wanted and you weren’t doing that leaving him feeling rubbish about it and knocking his confidence leading to his erection issues (anti depressants also could play a factor in that and the reason he’s on them)