Marriage with no intimacy

[Runner82]

Married 10 years, together for 15. DH is 7 years older than me.

Intimacy started to fall away the year before we got married. Stupidly ignored it and thought it was just the pressure of everything. It has never come back. We have been forced to confront it when trying to conceive and do have two children but outside of this we have only had sex 3 or 4 times, in ten years…

I recently went to counselling to try and work out how best to even bring up the subject with my DH. I felt so much shame about the whole situation and had only spoken openly about it with one friend. We tried to work on it but the harsh truth is I no longer have any desire to be intimate with him and felt like I was having to fake it. The whole thing was so awkward and he couldn’t maintain an erection. It left me feeling worse than before.

In recent years he has stopped caring so much about his appearance and has put on some weight whilst I’ve worked really hard to stay fit and look after myself.

I feel so stuck. He is a lovely caring husband who does so much for our family. My parents and siblings adore him as do my friends. I cannot imagine the impact us separating would have on our children or my relationship with my own family. He would never suggest separating as he seems fairly content to continue as we are. For the sake of my children I feel I should stay in the marriage but it’s a lot to give up myself. I want to feel desired and haven’t felt that way in over a decade.

@Runner82 I'm sorry to hear about your situation and it really is soul destroying. My sister was in a sexless marriage from conception of her youngest until when her DD was 4 she confronted her (now ex) if he was happy, following surgery she had in the hospital forcing her to reevaluate her life.

They split shortly after and she is now 8 years on.

She has done a lot of soul searching and been able to understand both their contributions. Her ex has done very little on his side. They are very amicably separated and she has never judged him. He is in a new relationship which is not going well and has not for years. She is single and really living a great life. The kids live with her and he comes around to cook etc.

I think although it was difficult at the time she is much happier she confronted the issues. He did not want counselling with her but had been miserably living alongside her for years and was not doing anything to change that. He later said he was planning to stay until the kids left home.

Just like to add that when she asked him if he was happy he went into a long loud rant about everything she did wrong in the relationship that he'd never said to her (someone who never raised his voice )

She was left shell shocked and felt betrayed. She much later realised she had not really created the ground for mutual sharing either and addressed her own communication skills.

Getting everything out in the open is the Only Way in these situations. It might not save the relationship nor is there necessarily something worth saving but it will allow you (each, if you both want) to recover your mental wellbeing.

Also I don't thing anyone who has lived a few years believes in "perfect" relationships so zi wouldn't worry too much about what others think.