Feeling sorry for myself

[bamzooki]

Don't mind me, I'm just having a whine cos I'm sick of everything being so hard at the moment. I just wish I could get to a place where I could feel like my head says I should.
Yes my DH has recently left me, but I know deep down that it will be for the best in the end, so why do I feel so crap about it.
Last weekend he had DS (5), and they spent time with a girl from work (she and DH have been keeping eachother company as friends apparently. Yeah right), and now DS just won't shut up about her. I should be glad that DS had a good time, and it shouldn't matter about this girl whatever their relationship is, cos it doesn't affect where we are at. But it does.
I end up feeling like he's off out enjoying himself, with someone for company, who is obviously so fantastic that ds is smitten with her, and I'm stuck here on my own, having to get a new job with more hours so I can try and keep the house, and keep things on an even keel for DD (10) who is very sad about our split.
She's with him tonight and they've been shopping and eaten out, going to see a film tomorrow and generally having a fine old time. So I should be glad that she is having quality time with him cos god knows that was rare enough before he left, but I feel it is going to set the scene for the future, - go to see Daddy and have an amazing time, and then come home to boring old mum who makes us do homework and tidy rooms.

Long term I know I will be fine, but there's so much to sort out to get there that I don't know where to start and right now that better time ahead seems out of reach.

And I can't even open that wine in the fridge cos I have a streaming cold.

Oh what a moaner. Feel free to ignore.

There you - someone has said nice things to me and now I'm blubbing. Seem to do that a lot lately. Had to speak to DD's headteacher about it all yesterday and ended up blubbing to her too poor woman. But it was her fault for being so nice.!

There you go - can't even type right.

My parents divorced when I was 10,
my Dad used to take us bowling/to Mcdonalds etc allveritable "treats" 25 (gulp!) years ago.
I used to miss my MOm like mad. Just wanted to be with her. I was very happy when I knew she was seeing friends etc as I worried she would be lonely.

HTH

Off to bed now, but I just wanted you to know that your DC's will not be having a whale of a time without you, they will be missing you and just...adjusting. Which they will, but they won't be swayed by treats etc, they know that their Mom loves them xx

Thank you Lizzylou - I understand what you are saying.
HM - yes I do have plenty of support, even DH's parents are being fantastic, it's just that if someone asks you in the middle of the day if you are doing OK, they don't really expect to get a tearful tirade, or I'm outside Tescos and it's not the place. Ironically the one person I would normally turn to, my bf, is also DH's sister (she was my bf frst iyswim), and I'm a bit wary of putting her in an awkward position.

Logically I KNOW what everyone is saying, and more besides, it makes perfect sense. I just can't FEEL like that atm.
I would blame PMT but I have a mirena and have no idea where my cycle is at frankly!

Big hug.

Can only echo what others have said - your daughter will be missing you (as I did when I was with my father and his girlfriend) and although they used to be into big gestures - theatre trips, shopping, meals out - I would often have rather been with mum watching TV as I felt I always had to be on my best behavior and couldn't relax (downside was mum always got the worst of me !)

This is probably the worst it can get - seeing your ex happy with a new woman is bad enough (however much you are over him) let alone seemingly sharing your daughter (even though you are not.)Things can ony get easier - and they will.

Your ex will also find it hard when you find someone special and you also do 'family' trips - until that day - chin up - you sound an amazing mother (mine used to throw such tantrums if I went out with dad and girlfriend I would often pretend to be sick to avoid going as I felt so guilty.)

Remember - you are your daughters only mother and by the sounds of it a very good one. x

So how much do you think I would regret it in the morning if I have alcohol now - seeing as between my cold and the blubbing I can hardly breathe. Can't make things much worse can it?

After all I keep being told to be nice to myself.....

PS For what it is worth I never saw my time with mum as boring - just safe, secure and normal. My time spent with my dad was seemigly more fun but actually I found all that activity and 'look at how much fun we're having' quite draining and tiring. x

Have a glass of wine - you deserve it x

Second the glass of wine. One glass won't hurt even with the cold.

As others have said be kind to yourself. You do sound like a great Mum. You're not boring old Mum at all. I'm sure the kids miss you when you're not there.

Hope you feel better soon.

Bamzooki

What a lovely person you sound and so undeserving of the shit place you find yourself in.

It is sooo unfair the bastard partners who cheat and lie and then seemingly get the best of the dc's and give them treats etc. Why the fuck couldn't they spread that love when they were still in their own family??

Sorry, have had one over the sensible meself

No advice really, just hang on in there.

So I've just had a txt from him now - asking if I'm ok. And I have no idea what to do.

I could ignore it, pretend I was asleep but have to be questioned about it tomorrow.
I could lie and say I'm fine, which would appease his guilty feelings and somehow I'm not sure I want to do that, but would be simpler.
Or I could tell him the truth and say I'm feeling like shit tonight, but deep down I know it's nothing he can fix so why torture him about it. He is trying to right by us, albeit in a cack-handed bumbling way.

And cos DD is with him he knows it's unlikely I'll switch my phone off, just in case.

And I may have to stop doing this because you are all being so nice to me that it's making me blub even more. I was expecting to be told to pull myself together and that some MNers are having a far worse time of things right now. Which they are.
But I think I feel better for it anyhow.

I've been thinking about making a secret little list to add to every time I think of something that will be easier without him, or that I don't have to put up with anymore, to look at when I feel like this, to see if it will help.
What do you think?

Tell him you are OK for now.

But that you need to talk about how he is potentially undermining you (whether he means to or not).

Spoiling children with treats out of guilt (on his part) is bad for the dc. It just confuses them and gives them carte blanche to manipulate the situation. ANY child will do that, it's human nature. You should be working together to minimise the effects of your break-up and CONSISTENCY IS THE KEY.

Make that list Bam.

And NOW pull yourself together cos you sound fab.

Yes Maam.
And am liking the list idea more and more. Will do that.

And now I think I need to get some sleep or tomorrow will be a disaster too.

Thank you all for you support - it is such a big help to be able to pour things out on tinternet.

HM - yes I am thank you. Much more positive.

It's just that the things I can logically understand - takes the rest of me a while to catch up with, iyswim?!

Anyway - apparently DD has been bombarding him with difficult questions - like 'Will I be getting a step mummy and daddy?', and 'Does mummy know about your girlfriend?' etc. And he says he feels exhausted from the strain of it. Well it's about time he handles some of that if you ask me. We only explained the situation to her 5 days ago so she is still dealing with it all herself.

I know I just have to go through the process of 'grieving' for the relationship that I thought we had, before I can really move on. And sometimes its hard, sometimes not so.

Just an update - and a thank you to everyone who helped me last weekend - you all helped me so much.

On the whole I have felt much stronger and positive about the future. Went out for drinks and chat with my bf (who is DH's sister), and she was fab too, even though it must be hard for her given the situation.

What I'm sort of grappling with now is how come I can chat with DH in person/on phone in a friendly happy way and not be in a mess afterwards. Or is doing that sort of avoiding the problems, and really I should be avoiding contact for now so I can move on more?
If that is the case, how am I supposed to move on when I will have to continue contact with him because of the dc? It's early days yet I know, but there are so many people around me who seem concerned that I am not disintegrating, that it makes me wonder if I am not dealing with it as well as I thought I might be.
Don't get me wrong - I love him, and miss him, well - miss the person I used to live with, but I think that person went away about 2 years ago. It actually feels like it's been a really long time since he was truely 'on my side against the world'.
But it still hurts that he already has someone else - fgs - he moved in with her this weekend, but I worry for him because they have sort of been pushed into this by circumstance. She has just come out of a long relationship too and neither she or DH can afford to get a place by themselves, so financially it made sense for them to share bills. But I feel it is too soon for either of them to be making that sort of commitment again, when they have only been 'seeing eachother' for about a month (I know this to be true). So I worry that he is setting himself up for trouble, which is none of my business really except that it will doubtless affect the dc at some point.

He took some more stuff with him tonight - it feels really wierd, watching him pack stuff we accumulated, but liberating in a strange way too.
I start a new job in a couple of weeks which I hope will mean I can manage to keep the house. And I have an appt with a solicitor to go over the basics of where I stand etc.

All in all, it is starting to feel very real now. And while there are some good points, I can't help but see happy couples everywhere I go, and wonder how we managed to cock it all up when others seem to manage OK.