Wife makes me feel worthless!

[TattooedRugbyDad]

Im 40m and have been married for 2 years, but for the past 6 months ive been made to feel worthless, shouting and screaming at me constantly, never any compliments, just negativity directed my way consistently! Now, we have a 4 year old son and i do everything for him whereas she doesnt, i feel like a single parent! Have any of you been in a situation like this before?

Oh they 100% can! They are not always the victim.

Stop pussyfooting around then and confront her. ‘This behaviour is not acceptable, you need to explain what is going on with you or seek professional assistance, but refusing to engage with family life, our child, or our shared responsibilities is not acceptable.’

I agree, you’re 100% right! Ive been focusing so much on just being there for my son and protecting him i havent looked at the bigger picture.

OP We can only guess what's going on. You need to sit down with her and tell her her that her behaviour is completely unacceptable.
Try to find out from her what has changed and why she is so angry. Suggest she sees her GP to discuss her state of mind. There could be many different reasons such as cheating, gambling etc or poor mental health but you need to get to the bottom of it for the sake of your child, and of course yourself.

She’s cheating or wants to,sorry

Surely you are concerned for her mental health ? This behaviour is bizarre and extreme, are her family worried about her ?

get your son away from this atmosphere

LTB.

And there we have it. Are you happy you got your example of the double standard?

Have you thought about why that might be the case?

What you mean why it would be the case? What so if i start doing nothing around the house that might help her behaviour improve! I do absolutely everything around here and that justifies her changing behaviour and possibly cheating?

What’s the point of this? If it’s sarcasm it’s misplaced. If it’s not it’s useless.

OP please, know your worth. You need to speak to her about this and see what’s happening.
It COULD be MH issues, but these don’t automatically make someone continuously nasty.

She COULD be checking out, and giving herself excuse to do so.

You won’t know until you talk to her.

yeah i definitely need to as its breaks down your confidence and makes you feel like you’re not worth anything. But thanks for the advice, i appreciate it.

Drugs? Affair? Both?

You must know that something concrete has happened.

Hmm. It might be an emotional affair type situation...she's not "missing" is she like loooong shopping trips or working late when she is with an AP?

I wonder about mental health. If it was 50/50 chores and no screaming and is now patchy sleep, not doing usual daily activities, irritable/angry and less engagement with you (and DS?) there could very well be some mental ill health.

Playing music all night when she's sleepless is also odd and not consistent with an affair but with someone maybe trying to distract themselves.

If you haven't done already, I think offer her the chance to talk. Don't insist and you might have to ask more than once, something like
"Things are really tricky for our family just now. You seem to struggle with sleep and with feeling annoyed. Would you talk to me about it?" If yes, more gentle convo if no, say you'll check in again in a day or 2 - and do so, in the same gentle way.

If she's unwell, anything like "sort yourself out" while it may feel justified won't help.

I know PPs are saying about the double standard (if you were a women posters would be all saying cherche la famme) but the behaviour isn't standard cheating stuff.

Even if she turns out to be cheating there's no harm in offering support first in case it's her health. All you'd lose would be the "win" of identifying it.

It's very difficult for you OP and moreso when you're staying steady for your DS as well. Sending strength.

Ok so you need to start setting firm boundaries if you’re wanting to try and stay in a relationship with this woman. So, you need to sit her down and tell her that the way she speaks to you is unacceptable and it has to stop. No more shouting, etc. If she has a problem she has to speak to you about it like an adult. She also has to start pulling her weight around the house and with the childcare. Otherwise, she can leave. It’s as simple as that. Either she treats you with respect and human decency or she leaves. If she’s abusive, report her to the police. You don’t have to tolerate this. Model to your son that this behaviour should not be acceptable. He is watching. He is learning.

It does seem a bit strange that this has just suddenly started 6 months ago. Is she going through any health issues? Perimenopause? Is her mental health bad and if so, why? Is she on new meds? Has there been any big life changes? Bereavement? How old is your child? Is this a post partum issue? I would be insisting she goes to the doctor to be checked out.

If it’s not something that’s happened, not a health issue and she’s just plain abusive then you need to take steps to end the relationship. Mankind can help if you need support to do this.

So, she goes out to work, comes home and spends all of her time on her phone or up at night playing music? She does literally nothing for your child or around the house? And she is verbally abusive to you?
She doesn’t ever put the kid to bed, make his breakfast/ other meals? Doesn’t take care of him if he’s sick?
Is he in childcare?

@TattooedRugbyDad - this sounds very difficult. Agree with PPs - you need to have a proper discussion with her about this because her behaviour is unacceptable. She seems to have just checked out of family life and be behaving abusively. Do you have relatives or friends who could watch your son for a few hours so you can talk in privacy? This situation is very serious and needs to be addressed directly.

A couple of things leapt out: you talk about asking for favours as if it’s just your job to parent and not hers, but it is also hers. You need to change your vocab on this - she’s not “doing favours” or “helping”, she’s parenting (or she should be). Also, you mention that previously you would each take your son separately so the other could have a break. Perhaps this was due to working shift patterns but did you ever do things together? It reads like you were always in 2 separate units of 1 adult + child rather than a whole family unit and that this habit of separation has become entrenched and needs to be fixed.

The ‘not sleeping at all’ rings alarm bells for me on a health pov. Yes Regardiess of the gender. My first assumption was that you were female too @TattooedRugbyDad (no I hadn’t looked at your name 😂).

After that, the logical sequence is:
1- check with her she is ok health wise. Maybe gently direct her towards her GP too.
2- set boundaries up and tell her she either needs to buckle up or you’ll separate. It’s an end if line boundary.
3- if she doesn’t do anything about it, no reason/change in her behaviour, then plan to separate. Seeing your involvement with your ds, I’d expect you to have him 50/50 at least.

You could look further to see if there is an affair. You could push on the health side etc…. But the reality, true for men or women, is that you dint have live in those circumstances. And you should protect your dc too.

@TattooedRugbyDad perhaps it is time for you OP to get your ducks in a row? all finances, passports, birth certs, wedding certs, mortgage details, joint accounts, car doc. safely out of house and stored perhaps at your parents. do this before you speak to her! perhaps look for somewhere else to live with son. see a solicitor. etc etc. then speak. catch her on the hop. take notes of her behaviour and how often she actually does anything for your son. also check her credit score.

Give your head a shake men can get abused just like women.
Some women are worse than men.
Just because shes a women makes it NO different abuse is abuse.

Op run for the hills.

If the relationship isn’t working you need to leave - your child will learn bad habits and relationships if you don’t

Look at who will help if you separate as you might not want your DS to spend much time with her - how will you manage this -any DGPs around?

Gambling? How are the finances?

You really need to speak to her. If I were you tell her you’re concerned and ask if there’s anything bothering her. Then proceed to mention her moods and lack of teamwork in your relationship and household etc. If you don’t go in all guns blazing, you might get some answers.
On the other hand, if she disregards you, I think it would be time to reconsider your relationship