I need a little push to leave…

[Forestwitxh]

My 45M bf flipped out and it came out of nowhere.
For context, I 32F get up at 4:30 to get ready for work so he can get in the shower for 5:30, well this morning he comes in the bathroom at 5:15 demanding I get out, I said I was almost done and that he usually doesn’t go in until 5:30. He started gaslighting me saying he never told me that and he’s always maintained that he has to be in the shower for 5:15. When I changed shifts I made sure to ask him what time I needed to be out of the bathroom so he could do his thing he expressly said 5:30 because he wakes up at 4 and plays his video games until then. I have adjusted myself to HIS schedule and routine. He’s a recovered addict and has to have routine. I woke up late and didn’t go into the bathroom until 5. Fast forward to the bathroom incident, I told him “all you had to do was ask me to leave or remind me of the 5:15 time” he responds with “first of all I don’t have to do anything” and goes on a tirade, calling me a dummy. He then gets in the shower and proceeds to call me a borage of names (retard and dummy mostly) and tells me to switch back to 3rd shift with all the other (vile names) because I can’t get up early enough. I didn’t bother trying to argue I just simply asked him “do you even like me” and he says “I hate you” …
Hearing that broke me and I instantly started crying, I was shaking, I was a mess all day.
He never apologized.
This convo is me asking why, how pathetic am I.
I know i need to leave but I’ve sank so much into this relationship and now I have nothing.

Leave this total idiot. He said he hated you. It's over! I couldn't come back from that.

There's no coming back from contempt. I'm sorry.

Pushes

How long have you been with him. Life would be so much easier if you didn't live together. Who owns the property you live in.

Honestly, OP, you don’t know your worth. You are still young. Are you mad wasting your life on 45yo entitled grumpy man? It will only go downhill. He thinks you are beneath of him/ literally hates you. You’ve got all your life in front of you and deserve to be with a man who makes you happy. Stop self harming. My prescription- escape this relationship asap, therapy, grey rock the idiot, open yourself up for new people/ opportunities.

Imagine a version of you a year from now who doesn't have to be out of the shower at 5.15am so you can avoid being whinged at, who doesn't put up with someone saying they hate her.
Really picture what your life is like. Imagine yourself calm, with little rituals that make you happy like enjoying a favourite drink in peace.

Then get there one step at a time.
You can do it!

OP there’s no going back from ‘I hate you’. His texts are pathetic. As too is you having to walk on eggshells to appease him. Reflects on him not you.
Go with your head on this one. It will not get better. Call women’s aid if you need to. When we are alone and broken, remember there is only one way to go.
I am just so sorry you are in this situation. Unfortunately not everyone we love, is worthy of it or treats us right. He is not a kind man and his nonsense over the shower time says it all.
Recovering addict no excuse for being a bully.
We need to watch what people do not what they say. The fact he could see you in distress and have zero empathy or contrition tells you all you need to know. He’s broken your spirit. Don’t let him take a single thing more from you. Check out emotionally until you can safely leave which hopefully is ASAP. Don’t even leave the B a note. Just go and block his number.

Unfortunately when my lease was up I moved in with him. I’m not on the lease but I pay half the rent. Thank you to everyone commenting and putting things in perspective for me, I’m crying but it’s relief that I know I’m not crazy and that it’s time.

What an abusive prick. Please leave him. Those text messages from him are shocking.

The contempt is dripping from his words and actions, @Forestwitxh . As you're not on the tenancy, can you withhold your share of the rent to get a deposit together? Or can you just walk away? There's no coming back from this. He sounds vile.

Just another person pushing you. You can do this. I didn't think I could but I did and everything is better now. He's not going to change. Let us know how you get on.

Was he always like this or has he found Andrew Tate? Sounds like an Andrew Tate disciple. Whatever the reason he's an abusive bullying prick, I wouldn't want a man like that anywhere near me and wouldn't even try talking to or reasoning with him, would not waste my breath. He wants control and to dominate. Read 'Why does he do that', by Lundy Bancroft.

Vote with your feet and your heart will follow.

imagine what you would have to think of someone to treat them that way…. That is what he thinks of you… for me even if I really disliked someone I wouldn’t treat them that way, I wouldn’t treat an animal that way… but i do get angry with the hoover …. He is treating you like a broken domestic appliance…that is how he views you…. He is a loser with serious problems… leave him to it .

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. Please let your head rule your heart because you deserve better than this man can offer you.

The ‘recovered’ addict is a red flag for me - no addict who has truly faced up to their addiction would say they are ‘recovered’. They are always going to be ‘recovering’ and have to work hard on this every single day. It’s a life burden and sadly can come tumbling down at any moment. His loss of control over the shower tine like this would scare the hell out of me for that reason alone. You don’t say if he was already in recovery when you met, but reading between the lines of your post suggests he probably was. Believe me when I say living with someone else’s addiction is hell on earth, it’s a third party in your relationship and it’s in control of it.
It sounds like you don’t have children, so only yourself to consider - please be kind to yourself and get out asap, leave today if you can, because there is no excuse for his behaviour and it will only get worse. Please give yourself the respect you deserve because you clearly can’t rely on any from him. Count yourself lucky not to have joint financial commitments and get out now, you will have the emotions to deal with, but wrt practicalities you’re fortunate to be in a good place.

Good luck, you can do this.

Oh goodness, OP it is time. You shouldn't spend another second of your time or energy on this idiot. Get yourself gone.

To have to even ask a partner if they hate you should in itself give you the answer because that's obviously how they're making you feel. He talks to you with utter contempt and you're obviously much better than that. He doesn't deserve a decent partner. Run!

He's a nasty piece of shit isn't he. Calling somebody names is a classic sign of emotional abuse OP and nobody should tell you to stay with an abuser.

Pushes OP out of the door

He;s 45 and he hasn't got an emotional clue.

He won't change, not at his age. You are young and can do so much better. Adding my voice to the 'get out of there' call.

You're not crazy OP. You're living with an abusive partner.

You're only 32. Don't waste another minute on this loser. Please get out asap.

.."because he wakes up at 4 and plays his video games until then"

He's 45 and chooses to get up at 4am to play video games and YOU have to work your morning schedule to fit in with his.
Absolutely not.
He sounds like an entitled dickhead. Gaslighting you and saying he hates you is not normal.
You deserve better

Don’t get bogged down in your sunk costs. It’s over between you and he because if the abuse he meets out to you. He targeted you to abuse and your boundaries, poor as they likely were to start with, are being further hot at by this abusive man now.

Abuse like this can take a long time to recover from.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Women’s Aid and the Rights of Women organisations are well worth contacting. Enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and do not date until
your boundaries are a lot healthier. Love your own self for a change.

Oh good god, push. I’m pushing you. I’m intensely shoving you actually.

Get away from this man.
You’re the same age as me OP, we can do better than this so get out.
Don’t even have the world-ending argument.
Just neatly pack, lock the door, post the key and block him.

He's horrible and he wont change.
Don't waste anymore of your precious life living with someone horrible.
It's excellent that you're not on the lease, because you can pack your bags and leave today. Have you got friends or family you can stay with until you find somewhere else to live.

Then please get some counselling so you learn how to avoid nasty controlling men.

You're very young! Enjoy!

The biggest thing keeping me here is having nowhere else to go, I don’t have any family here and I don’t have a vehicle. I was in a car accident a year ago and totaled my car, he since has been driving me everywhere, and because we work in the same building/hours it wasn’t an issue until I thought of leaving. I’m trying to formulate a plan.

I’ve been in therapy off and on but lately I haven’t been able to afford it because of his poor money management and having to cover costs here and there. He has a son and I felt guilty and didn’t want him to go without. I will admit a small part me wanted him to apologize and make up but then on top of the verbal abuse I realized by his inaction how I was nothing to him but a tool.

My self esteem is low and that’s something I’ve been working on in therapy, but I had come so far when we first met, looking back I feel like I was lovebombed and then breadcrumbed.. I have AuDHD and have struggled with my mental health my entire life but I cannot allow myself to go backwards any further.

Hi OP, I can imagine the thought of managing that would feel quite overwhelming. I would suggest that a good first step would be to do an income calculation to see what you could afford to pay for on your own, housing-wise. You can also look at websites like the Turn2us website to see what kind of additional financial support you would be entitled to. If you don't have enough to rent by yourself maybe you would be entitled to benefits to top up.

I think if you can have a rent budget in mind that might help you look at your options.

And also then look at public transport. E.g. where could you live that was on for example a tube or bus line to work?

You can start again. I've done it more than once. These were the first practical steps I took. What's my rent budget, where can I live that I can afford and can get to work easily via public transport. Once you figure that out it's much easier.

You have somewhere to go. You go to am estate agent and rent a wee flat. You’re going to leave eventually, you know this isn’t forever, so you might as well do it right now and save yourself any more suffering.