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Original poster

Is the is a relationship?

29 replies

HUser456 · 26/04/2025 17:48

Been with a guy for 9 months 45M 42F he claims he wants and thinks we're in a relationship

But he only arranges to see me the day/couple of days before (so rarely forward plans, always adhoc and last minute). And maybe once/twice a week.
And only when he's free, after he's sorted all his other commitments, social life etc.
He texts daily but sporadically
And says when he's only focused on my when he's with me.
I argue this is clearly dating?
I'm interested in other people's view on this...!

OP posts:
HeatedBlanketAllYear · 26/04/2025 17:59

That sounds like dating not a relationship.
And being at the bottom of his priority list shows you how much he values you.
Have you talked to him about how you feel?

Original poster
HUser456 · 26/04/2025 18:10

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 26/04/2025 17:59

That sounds like dating not a relationship.
And being at the bottom of his priority list shows you how much he values you.
Have you talked to him about how you feel?

Thank you ☺️ Yes a little but he says he’s independent(!) and he can’t do more. I think I’ve just come to the point of doubting myself over it!

OP posts:
BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 26/04/2025 18:14

He's in a 'relationship' entirely on his terms and appears to compartmentalise his life on this basis. He's not going to prioritise you any time soon.

Seems like those terms are not what you are looking for in a relationship, so is it worth continuing to see someone like this?

GrumpyInsomniac · 26/04/2025 18:17

I think that your understanding of what constitutes a relationship is different to his. From the sounds of it, his definition is exclusive dating so he doesn’t have to make the effort to find someone new to shag and has someone conveniently available when he has the urge to see them.

A real relationship has an element of partnership that is wholly lacking from what you’ve described. You know the answer, OP. He’s not going to change to suit you. This is already as much as he’s prepared to do.

TwistedWonder · 26/04/2025 18:23

It seems the relationship is all on his terms and as far as he’s concerned you can like it or lump it

This casual arrangement would work for someone who’s on same page but it’s not right for you.

After 9 months you need to tell him that you need more commitment and to be prioritised- his reaction will tell you all you need to know

MeganM3 · 26/04/2025 18:25

Well I’d be seeing other people if I was you in this scenario.
I’d suspect he is too. Doesn’t sound like he’s making the ‘relationship’ a priority.
But, this sort of arrangement works for some people. I guess you need to decide if it works for you.

Original poster
HUser456 · 26/04/2025 18:28

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 26/04/2025 18:14

He's in a 'relationship' entirely on his terms and appears to compartmentalise his life on this basis. He's not going to prioritise you any time soon.

Seems like those terms are not what you are looking for in a relationship, so is it worth continuing to see someone like this?

Thank you - and you’re right but I needed to what it! I pretty much said that to him this week about it being on his terms… his response was to say He feels ‘unseen’ !

OP posts:
HeatedBlanketAllYear · 26/04/2025 18:40

Well apart from feeling unseen, which is a term he’d never use, it feels like you’re dating my ex! He’d say he was in a relationship but his actions didn’t align to a relationship progressing or any kind of commitment. I wasted nearly 2 years dating someone like this. Get out now. Nothing will change, why would it? He’s got you when and where he wants you. You deserve better.

DirtyBird · 26/04/2025 19:24

I dated someone like this. He was very social and on the go. Even though I was free any day of the week to meet up he would only text me on Saturdays right before dinner after he’d done all his social activities to ask if I wanted to meet up. And he would be rushing me out the door by noon the next day so he could engage in other activities. Not until recently (15 years later) have I realized that I was his Saturday night date for opposite sex companionship and sex and I easily filled that role. Even with all the talks of commitment and marriage I never meant more to him than that.

ChersHandbag · 26/04/2025 20:56

Ditto, also done two years with someone like this. I was always so upset when he didn’t prioritise me. In the breakup convo he accused me of ‘wanting to hold him back from the world’. It is his oyster now, emotionally stunted tosser.

MoominMai · 26/04/2025 21:30

OP everything you stated in your first post is how I would expect a mistress to be treated! Yup agree with everyone this is definitely just dating - and even that wholly on his terms. You want to knock that 🐟 on the head and throw him back!

Original poster
HUser456 · 26/04/2025 21:33

Thank you so much everyone. I massively appreciate all of your messages 💕

OP posts:
Happyspendingthedayinthegarden · 27/04/2025 13:44

Are you sure that he's not married/partnered?

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 27/04/2025 18:01

HUser456 · 26/04/2025 18:28

Thank you - and you’re right but I needed to what it! I pretty much said that to him this week about it being on his terms… his response was to say He feels ‘unseen’ !

Show quote history

He feels 'unseen'? What's that supposed to mean? Unseen by whom?

He's already told you that you are out of sight, out of mind - he only ever focuses on you when he's actually with you.

Maybe he wants the ego boost of you constantly dancing about and chasing him all the time. Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

Happyspendingthedayinthegarden · 27/04/2025 18:10

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 27/04/2025 18:01

He feels 'unseen'? What's that supposed to mean? Unseen by whom?

He's already told you that you are out of sight, out of mind - he only ever focuses on you when he's actually with you.

Maybe he wants the ego boost of you constantly dancing about and chasing him all the time. Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

Show quote history

This.

I'm sorry Hun, but it sounds like he's playing you. I'm not quick to suggest that you LTB, but, you've only invested a few months of your life in this non-relationship & it's time to let it go.

Good luck there are plenty of kind men out there who will appreciate a lovely woman like you. xx

Happyspendingthedayinthegarden · 27/04/2025 18:13

DirtyBird · 26/04/2025 19:24

I dated someone like this. He was very social and on the go. Even though I was free any day of the week to meet up he would only text me on Saturdays right before dinner after he’d done all his social activities to ask if I wanted to meet up. And he would be rushing me out the door by noon the next day so he could engage in other activities. Not until recently (15 years later) have I realized that I was his Saturday night date for opposite sex companionship and sex and I easily filled that role. Even with all the talks of commitment and marriage I never meant more to him than that.

Me too. I very quickly realised that I was his back-up shag & dumped him. About 3 months later I get a text saying 'fancy a shag - I'll buy you dinner?' my answer was 'Fuck off' 😡

Original poster
HUser456 · 27/04/2025 18:16

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 27/04/2025 18:01

He feels 'unseen'? What's that supposed to mean? Unseen by whom?

He's already told you that you are out of sight, out of mind - he only ever focuses on you when he's actually with you.

Maybe he wants the ego boost of you constantly dancing about and chasing him all the time. Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

Show quote history

Thank you, you’re right ofc. I think he’s done such a good job of making me feel I’m wrong, and him giving it the ‘poor me’ all the time and saying I make it all about me by ‘complaining’. I didn’t trust my own intuition - but not anymore!

OP posts:
category12 · 27/04/2025 19:13

Well you see, he's Important and has Things to Do.

While you're not and have nothing going on in your life so can be picked up and dropped at will.

Or at least that's what it boils down to, for him.

Original poster
HUser456 · 27/04/2025 19:55

category12 · 27/04/2025 19:13

Well you see, he's Important and has Things to Do.

While you're not and have nothing going on in your life so can be picked up and dropped at will.

Or at least that's what it boils down to, for him.

Oh yeah - you know nailed it. His life is always so busy and I should understand that apparently!

OP posts:
newgirl8487 · 28/04/2025 00:31

What do you get out of this situation OP?

Maitri108 · 28/04/2025 01:11

What do you do when you meet up?

He has all the power in the relationship.

Lookingtomakechanges · 28/04/2025 01:22

Casual dating and showing no signs of becoming anything else.

Original poster
HUser456 · 28/04/2025 07:53

When we’e together it’s so good - it’s a classic rollercoaster because then when we’re apart he drops me. I get upset, which he turns around and makes into a poor him. Tbh I was single and failing on dating sites for a decade before - to finally meet someone I like, makes it hard to give up!

OP posts:
Original poster
HUser456 · 28/04/2025 08:47

Maitri108 · 28/04/2025 01:11

What do you do when you meet up?

He has all the power in the relationship.

Thank you - he does have all the power and I needed to hear that!
when we meet up it’s lovely. I go to his/he comes to mine. We go out on dates or cook together, walks etc. Talk- not just superficially. It’s a ‘relationship’ in a bubble!
He accuses me of wanting to live in that bubble all the time and not appreciating he has a life - I say a proper relationship has to exist outside of those ‘date’ times when we’re together!

OP posts:
Lookingtomakechanges · 28/04/2025 12:11

HUser456 · 28/04/2025 08:47

Thank you - he does have all the power and I needed to hear that!
when we meet up it’s lovely. I go to his/he comes to mine. We go out on dates or cook together, walks etc. Talk- not just superficially. It’s a ‘relationship’ in a bubble!
He accuses me of wanting to live in that bubble all the time and not appreciating he has a life - I say a proper relationship has to exist outside of those ‘date’ times when we’re together!

Show quote history

I can see the attraction of this especially with a lot of disappointing dates under your belt.
It's what he wants and he's been honest about that (hopefully, as far as you know!)
Some women like to compartmentalise their love life and be free to do whatever the rest of the time. Could you be one of those women or do you want eventually to live together, maybe have children?