Love him but something is missing.

[SpoonyShark]

I’ve been with my husband since I was 21. I feel like such an ungrateful cow saying this but I feel something is missing and in all honesty always has been. I just can’t talk with him on a deep level and although we share the same humour (I am the funny one) he never makes me laugh with his humour or wit. I always wanted a guy I could talk all night with. Early in our relationship we had to go long distance for a year but my head was turned. I didn’t pursue it as we were both in a relationship and he was the cheating type but god did I miss our talks. I hoped the language barrier with me and my husband would improve but it never did. I’ve recently been out with my friend and her hubby and I just or on so well with him. The conversation flowed so well and I wanted to cry. Just never get that with him. I feel like I am leading all the conversations. We have two beautiful kids, he adores me and I love him deeply and I trust him completely. We rub along just fine and have a laugh. I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I know no one is perfect but I think maybe this was one of my non negotiables which I ignored. I have been so busy with work and kids for the past decade and now I have taken a step back it’s just reared its head again. I felt so trapped in our early relationship and i really felt no one wanted to talk to me about my relationship with him or check if i was ok and i just kind of went along with it. I have always been completely committed to making it work but i can’t help feeling it was more about not hurting him than making it about who really wanted deep down. We have a great sex life because I prioritise it because in all honesty without that it wouldn’t work. It’s the glue and that worries me too- that without the sex there is no real mental connection. I am at a loss at what to do, I am not so unhappy that I want to leave but I can’t imagine how I will cope once the kids are gone. I also hate that I’ve only slept with him (sex is awesome but still!) . Has anyone else experienced these feelings?

How many years have you dated? It sounds like you maybe you need to do more together like a night away, spa trip or dinner out. A relationship can become boring and I think its normal to some extent. There must be something there if you have a great sex life still!

There is. I think im a perfectionist which doesn’t help matters. We get along fine but im terrified of meeting someone hilarious as I just don’t think I could handle it. I’ve had my head gently turned a few times due to this. We dated for 6 months then I went abroad and we did long distance then we moved in together. When I was away I fell for someone else but was terrified a)by how I felt about this other guy and b) by the fst I knew it wouldn’t work with him as he had no moral compass. But yeah I feel like it was very rushed.

How long have you been together?

It sounds like you’re a little bored of the relationship and have had your head turned again. I think you should work on your marriage and fear you may regret throwing away what you have. Try to change things within the relationship first before you make any major decisions.

16 years married for 10 - we’ve basically grown up together! I love him so much but yeah need to get my head together I think. I just keep thinking the grass could be greener which is likely bullshit

But can you not find and enjoy the talking with other people without being in a relationship with them? As friends or colleagues?

Because I suspect you’re imagining that you’ll meet and fall in love with a ‘talk all night’ person who will also have all the qualities you want in a partner and appear to have found in your husband. You’re assuming the new person will … what? … Love your children? Work full time and earn a decent living? Not be a gambler? Not take drugs? Not break your heart by doing lots of talking all night with other women too?

Just because someone has that one characteristic doesn’t mean they’ll have everything that makes a viable partner. I’m not saying you could never meet your ideal person - because of course you might. But I think it’s likely your talk all night person will have their own faults - which you can’t yet imagine or anticipate.

What @Wordless said but also what are you doing for you? Do you have interests? Are you making new friends? Your husband can’t be your everything. Maybe what you are looking for can come from other interests?

When you say talk all night- are you actually looking to flirt, be charmed, seduced, desired? That’s why men stay up talking all night with you imho! I’m not sure how realistic it is for it to continue in a long term marriage!

I do understand that you feel you and your husband don’t talk as much or as deeply as you’d like. But if you love him, have great sex, gorgeous kids… that’s a compromise I’d make. I agree with pp- invest in friendships for the long deep conversations

And I agree. Thinking the grass is greener needs to stop you in your tracks!!! Have you read all the OLD posts on here?! If not you really should

I’ve had a few boyfriends who didn’t speak English that well so I know what you mean, OP.

Everyone has a right to be happy, or try their best to find happiness. I think you should put yourself first now instead of feeling guilty and unfulfilled for the rest of your life.

Thanks all- there is no way I would leave. I wouldn’t do that to my kids. We have a great relationship overall - you’re right I think I maybe need more academic stimulation elsewhere. Im a bit bored in work too which doesn’t help. The guy that I clicked with years ago has been in touch again - we’ve been friends via socials for years and have checked in with each other a few times a year over text mainly. Had a video call with him and his new little one recently which has fucked my head too there was some tension. But also he definitely cheated on his wife before they got married (core belief that it’s ok unless you’ve got a ring on it) and has travelled extensively with work so god knows what he’s been up to. He’s a classic charming womaniser - Daniel cleaver / guy from rivals. Dodged a bullet but old feelings die hard as they say!

Would block the man who has been in touch with you again on all channels. He could well be looking for an opportunity and you know he is no good deep down.

And if you are bored in work move within the company or look for alternative employment. It is ok to put yourself first here.

Ah - so it was actual temptation that’s prompted your thread?

Stop kidding yourself - there is no way I would leave means absolutely nothing if you continue to communicate with the man who has been unfaithful to his partner and who is now looking to destroy your marriage. (Because if you pursue this route things may well end with your husband leaving you.)

Do you have postgraduate qualifications, @SpoonyShark? My best suggestion for alleviating boredom would be an MA (or whatever academic stage might be relevant to you). Honestly, you’d get more than enough intellectual stimulation and chat during the course, and when you drag yourself home at the end of the day you’ll be glad of a husband who’ll offer you supper, rub your feet and then give you enough peace and quiet for hours more study, or peaceful sleep.

If the thought appeals, take a look at the MN Mature Study and Retraining board.

Isn’t some of it familiarity though? This interesting chat all night guy… gets boring a few years in when you realise he has limited anecdotes and you’re fed up of hearing about his gap year or political opinions or whatever. In the early stages of attraction it’s easy to treat each other like the most fascinating person you’ve ever met, it is often replaced with comfortable familiarity. Sounds like you DH is a good man. Agree with others, maybe seek sparkling conversation with your female friendships?

Don’t have contact with other men, that’s just a shit way to treat your H (and DC).

You say you ‘have the same humour’ but also that it’s you making him laugh and that your H doesn’t and has never made you laugh. If that’s truly the case that’s not a small problem IMO.

Similarly if you find his company and conversation dull that’s not a small problem either.

If you were a man you would get flamed on here. What has ACTUALLY happened, is you are entering the first phase of the script, because you’ve had your head turned. Video call with a guy you fancy and then you start to create all the reasons why there are problems in your marriage. Except, from what you’ve written, there aren’t any major ones?
You are tempted to cheat with this man so rather than asking the difficult questions about what that says about you as a person, you blame the marriage.
Nope. If you don’t want to be with your husband then leave. If you think there are issues, work on them. Do not shit on your husband, or your marriage.

Most often the grass is never greener. What it you meet your 'talk all night' kind of guy but he turns out to be lacking in all those other areas that are so right with your DH? You will regret ending a relationship over something so trivial.

You seem to have this ideal romantic relationship in your head but most relationships require a compromise somewhere and has something that isn't totally perfect about our partners but everything else makes up for that and makes the relationship worth it.

Please don't chase perfection because it doesn't exist.

I agree with this. It is absolutely not trivial. I have fallen in love with otherwise (physically) unattractive men because they made me laugh and/or or because I found their conversation really interesting. I think OP should probably accept that her husband just isn't that kind if guy for her and make her life and friendships outside of that more attuned to what floats her conversational boat. But there are dangers to that approach- some day she may well meet someone she really sparks with in that respect who is also othewise attractive and NOT a cad (there are more men in the world than video call guy) and then the marriage is in trouble. I could see this as a marriage that lasts until the children are grown and then comes to an end. The post young children era is a very long time to fill with someone you're not dying to have the chats with..

Tbh you’re pretty lucky if you’re married to someone kind, easy to get on with and have great sex with.
Theres not a great deal out there that would top that. I wouldn’t gamble a pretty good relationship in the hope of finding amazing

Honestly the beauty of thinking about other men is that you don't have to consider the actual reality of being with them; you can paint any sort of imaginary future that you wish which makes them all the more appealing. A man being chatty on a night out ie your friends husband also doesn't mean they chat away till the early hours putting the world to rights, you're filling in the gaps.

If everything else is good then personally I'd look to fill my cup in regard to deep chats elsewhere- friends, family etc and also talk to him about it. You can't change who someone is, but if you say you're a perfectionist is there a chance this reflects in your conversations and he's hesitant to engage? Have you ever said how important is it to you- you say he adores you so I'm sure it's something you could both work together on. I also echo a PP, instead of fantasising about other men, try and prioritise time together to date outside of the children. It's also worth working on yourself, even entertaining the idea of someone you know is a serial cheat who has a young child is wild work.

I think what’s bothering me is that the thing that made me doubt early early on is still there now. And I regret that I wasn’t brave enough to end it and see what else was out there. He was my first boyfriend and I was just terrified of being on my own again and not meeting anyone which is crazy on reflection! I also desperately didn’t want to hurt him. I think I put his feelings before my own and I felt a lot of shame around him having met my family and them raving about him but me being unsure. It’s done now though I’ve got to make the most of it I’m just venting I suppose.

You don’t have to ‘stick with it’ if overall you no longer want to be in the relationship.

If for example you find your H sexy, caring, kind, but dull company and consider the latter a big problem. And/or want to be free to date others.

But choose it as the option of being a single parent with co-parenting of the DC, less money than now etc. Not for a fantasy idea of a better OM.

This is exactly what I am afraid of.

I could have written that about not being able to have deep conversation with dh however we don't have sex either now. I'm quite sad in my marriage.

Come on OP you long term relationship is never going to feel like it did in the beginning. You are fixating on the grass is always greener and don’t see any of the negatives.

I can’t name one married couple after than many years that stays up all night chatting. How utterly ridiculous when you have kids, jobs etc.

You are looking to find a problem where there isn’t one as you said you love him deeply and are now looking for where you are right in situations such as your friends husband - who may not help around the house, or the sex may be crap, or be argumentative etc.

Classic case of thinking the grass is greener. Focus on how great your husband is and do things to promote what you are lacking.