Love him but something is missing.

[SpoonyShark]

I’ve been with my husband since I was 21. I feel like such an ungrateful cow saying this but I feel something is missing and in all honesty always has been. I just can’t talk with him on a deep level and although we share the same humour (I am the funny one) he never makes me laugh with his humour or wit. I always wanted a guy I could talk all night with. Early in our relationship we had to go long distance for a year but my head was turned. I didn’t pursue it as we were both in a relationship and he was the cheating type but god did I miss our talks. I hoped the language barrier with me and my husband would improve but it never did. I’ve recently been out with my friend and her hubby and I just or on so well with him. The conversation flowed so well and I wanted to cry. Just never get that with him. I feel like I am leading all the conversations. We have two beautiful kids, he adores me and I love him deeply and I trust him completely. We rub along just fine and have a laugh. I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I know no one is perfect but I think maybe this was one of my non negotiables which I ignored. I have been so busy with work and kids for the past decade and now I have taken a step back it’s just reared its head again. I felt so trapped in our early relationship and i really felt no one wanted to talk to me about my relationship with him or check if i was ok and i just kind of went along with it. I have always been completely committed to making it work but i can’t help feeling it was more about not hurting him than making it about who really wanted deep down. We have a great sex life because I prioritise it because in all honesty without that it wouldn’t work. It’s the glue and that worries me too- that without the sex there is no real mental connection. I am at a loss at what to do, I am not so unhappy that I want to leave but I can’t imagine how I will cope once the kids are gone. I also hate that I’ve only slept with him (sex is awesome but still!) . Has anyone else experienced these feelings?

@Loopytilesis right. Fantasy is all very well, but you’re no longer 21 with no responsibilities.

D’you know how many threads I’ve seen here where a woman is saying she’s moved in with her otherwise ‘perfect’ new partner - who is now making it clear he doesn’t really want her children visible, or audible, or costing money, in the house? Do you want that to be you in a couple of years.

If your relationship is no longer sustainable (and you’re entitled to feel that) then separate and set up a home on your own with shared responsibility for your children. You’ll need to be established in that new life before you consider bringing a new man into it.

Honestly OP - Dont let this random man ruin your marriage and your family.

You've got something solid here.

Life is long and grass is definitely not greener.

Take heed.

If you continue to have these doubts, the honest thing to do would be tell your husband how you're feeling. It would give you both a chance to work on your marriage and family life. Also, far better to part company after trying your best, with nobody else implicated. You may or may not meet someone you're better suited to, but at least you'd spare your family (and yourself) the fallout from an affair.
Good luck OP

Pointless ‘working on it’ if the main problem is that OP has never and still doesn’t find her H funny or interesting company.

OP can either live with it, deeming his many other good qualities and other factors more important, or decide she wants out.

There is something on this. Presumably he is who is is, this is personality/humour level. What 'work' can he do on it realistically, even if he were to accept the premise that he needs to be funnier, more interesting etc. (A fairly insulting thing to accuse someone of not being, I would be devastated if a partner even hinted at something like that)..

I am generally always a 'don't settle' sort of person when giving advice on here, but I think in your case, OP, you might be having a 'grass is greener' thing going on.

The reason being that you still (presumably) fancy him and still have great sex.

I've been in a few of those relationships where you can talk all night, and guess what? A time usually comes when you don't do that any more anyway. A good deal of men with this quality are charmers, who charm others just as effectively and with as much loyalty.

My ex-husband was the exception, and we always had lots to talk about - but I stopped being able to bear the thought of having sex with him (not his fault, but he felt like a brother somehow). That was one of the major reasons we divorced, because all the other difficulties we could possibly have solved in couples counselling.

When these men turn your head, imagine your life with them 16 years down the line. I suspect that if you are honest, it won't stack up against what you already have. Sexual attraction after so long is such a huge plus.