Do you ever get the spark back after the roommate phase?

[tallache1]

A tale as old as time I’m sure. But do you ever get the spark back? Toddler is 2, he’s an amazing dad and would do anything for her. But I just feel like we’re roommates and have absolutely no desire for sex anymore 😔 I’ve tried to put it on and fake it but I hate having sex. I thought it was breastfeeding but I’ve had my head turned by someone else (absolutely not proud of this and I won’t act on it) which I know wouldn’t happen if I was in a fulfilling relationship.

I feel under appreciated, I’m pretty sure he does too. Just feels like we’re both slogging our guts out and annoying each other. He gets snappy with me when I try make conversation so I retreat and then get told I’m quiet and moody. Feeling sad and conflicted because I don’t want to split our family up and I can’t bear the thought of not seeing DD half the time and I know he’d be the same but I don’t want a loveless relationship. I also want a second baby at some point which I know he doesn’t but I’m not getting any younger so would prefer sooner rather than later.

Has anyone else gone through this and come out the other side or do you just muddle on til someone has an affair or breaks up?

I've been there and we've come back from it!
Took a lot of hard work, setting our pride aside, listening, talking, therapy and actively choosing to be each others cheerleaders again, rather than focussing on the bad.
It can be done. Question is whether you want it badly enough?

I don't know, but I can relate to a lot of what you've written here. The only thing I'd say is 2 is still very young and can still be a real handful so try not to be too harsh on yourselves or make any big decisions in a rush.

Do you have anyone who can have your child say once a month so you can go on date nights? This really does help change your mindset towards each other (even if only temporary). I think you have to try and really grab those small opportunities for connection as people not parents.

Watching with interest what others might say.

I feel the same. Fee relationship factors but struggle to want any sex - struggle even more with some of his suggestions. He cannot read the room at all and tries at the most inopportune moments and also wants to do odd things - doesn’t realise it’s hard enough to muster wanting to do normal stuff.

I wonder if every relationship is like this, cause I think it is - early few mad rush years then everyone ends up the same anyway?

Exactly this happened to me! So yes it can, it did take a lot of work and I’ll be honest I had to enter marriage counselling with an open mind and admit where I’d been going wrong! That bit was hard .

@chachahide@Girlmom35I’m glad you managed to claw it back!! Are you genuinely happy and want to stay? I just feel like pregnancy and becoming a mum has changed me so profoundly and I’m a different person to before. Like I’ve sacrificed so much and still am whilst his life didn’t change that much and the resentment has built up so much

@babasacloveryep I’m actually repulsed from having sex with him or having him touch me at all which I feel so mean about. I feel like I can’t fake it anymore. I thought it was just me but have been having a little flirt with someone I work with and felt my sex drive come back with a vengeance 😩 like I say I do feel ashamed about this and wouldn’t act on it but it has me questioning a lot.

But yeah do all long term relationships end up here @babasaclover?

@Bluepenguin2We’ve had a few date nights, one ended up in disaster because the babysitter let the dogs escape so had to rush home and the other we only really spoke about DD. I don’t know what to talk to him about anymore 😔 maybe we’ve just grown apart as people but I would feel so sad for DD if we split up

I am genuinely happy.
Not 100% of the time, but I've come to accept that that's just the reality of life. I'm happy enough and can't see myself not being with him.

And despite everything I thought about my husband for a while, I see him differently now. A friend recently pointed it out to me while I was talking about my husband doing our bathroom remodeling. My friend asked whether it still wasn't finished and I instantly defended my husband. I said he was trying his best, but he's juggling so much right now (work, elderly parents, bathroom, doing his part with childcare, ...) and that I don't want to add to the pressure he's under already. And that on his day off he's right to choose to relax now and then.
My friend laughed and told me how differently I would have responded to that question a few years ago, and how beautiful it is that I can see the good in him now.

However, I can see the good because my husband has also put in a lot of work becoming a good husband and partner for me. I was carrying 90% of the load at one point, and admitting that was very humbling for him. He has since learned that taking care of me and making sure that I'm not overworked and relaxed is good for everyone, including him.

I think it's human nature, especially for women, to have had enough sexy stuff with one man after a couple of years. It's always been the case for me. I could never get it back.

A two year old puts you still really in the thick of parenting - you're both busy, tired and just mentally worn out.

In your shoes I'd keep trying with the date nights and just having conversations with each other that aren't about the kids. Board games or actively watching a show together, ie you not on mumsnet and him not on BBC Sport, can be really good to get this started

Obv I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but I think you'd be crazy to give up at this point. Of course a man at work is going to catch your eye in this situation - you see him bringing his best self to work, and you don't see him slumped tired on the sofa or at 3am with a pooey nappy in hand. Everyone gets these crushes - it's good you've accepted nothing will happen. But why not try directing that flirting energy to doing so with your husband?

I've thought many times about divorce since our little one came along. I really don't think I'd ever actually do it - we've been together a very long time, our life together is generally very good, and it's absolutely not what I want for my daughter - but sometimes I just can't stand him. It doesn't last though, and that's why I really think it's important not to rush into anything because of how you're feeling at this stage.

It really could just be a feeling of total disconnection - it's very difficult to switch from bickering about who's doing bedtime and who hasn't done the dishwasher etc to romantic/sexual feeling. If you've struggled on your date nights, perhaps plan an activity which would give you something to talk about - see a show, go ice skating, do an escape room etc. The board game suggestion is a good idea for evenings at home too.

That's not to say you won't ultimately decide that separation is the right path for you, but I really think you owe it to your child and yourselves to make sure you've really tried first. Perhaps try refraining the work flirtation in your mind - that flirtatious part of you is still there, but maybe you just need different circumstances to feel that way towards your partner again?

If he wanted to get you pregnant your desire would come back.
Because he doesn't, you're looking for another man.
Basic animal drive to reproduce.

I wasn’t able to get it back. I wasn’t as insightful as you have been though and kept blaming us not getting on or feeling close on various situations or scenarios. I started having feelings for someone but didn’t act on them. Suspect DH also developed feelings for others and even at the time I wouldn’t have blamed him.

Out the other side and in hindsight I think we had just grown apart. Can’t get those feelings back once they are (really) gone but from my own experience and the experiences of some friends I know people spend years trying.

Also you sound sure you want another child and you also seem sure your husband doesn’t. That in itself makes you quite incompatible and is a recipe for bad feeling down the line.

Op I genuinely hated the very sight of my husband at one point and it was when the kids were really small.

Similarly I felt like I had lost my identity, everything in my entire life had changed once the kids came along yet his life was exactly the same. I felt like the housemaid that he occasionally wanted for sex.

The resentment became a competition to us. Who was more tired. Who had it worse. And honestly I despised breathing the same air as him.

We did kind of separate for a while. Remaining in the same house but living totally separately while we figured out what to do next. I flirted with a few people and yes the attention was great and it’s all fun but it’s really shallow.

We socialised with our friends more (separately) I worked as much as I wanted as we split our time with the kids. I only cleaned up after myself. Initially it was great albeit a bit awkward because I had more of my own life back.

Then over the months I realised just how much I missed him. We were a unit. He was my best friend. He felt the same and over time we worked at it again. But treated it like a new relationship.

Ten years down the line and I can honestly say he’s my person. Still my best friend. The love of my life. We just needed a reset.

I know this bit is really hard and can be really shit but don’t throw in the towel just yet.

We’ve gone through many sexless phases within our relationship, especially when our children were little. We’re finally at the stage where our children are primary school age and we have more time to ourselves and my H is really involved and takes the lead in a lot of their activities. This has changed my perspective of him and I’m attracted to him again (and my drive has returned significantly).

The child rearing stage is brutal but I also know that it would have been that way with any person I chose to have a family with. I would keep going. Try and focus on his positives (I know it can be hard), give him the benefit of the doubt and maybe invest in some couples therapy before your resentment builds.

You cant.Ime whether you have kids or not you should still want closeness and sex with your dp.If you don't then it's not meant to be.

Have you been in a long term relationship with kids?

Yes you totally can get the spark back, even after 25 years 🙂

What do I do about this then? I think he’d have been quite happy with no kids tbh and wouldn’t have actively planned one. As it was DD was unplanned so saved us having an awkward conversation of whether or not we had a baby or split up.

You can get the spark back.

The early years are a grind and there were definitely periods in the early years where we were just at the coal face with very little time for each other.

You’re in the trenches now and assuming you would feel differently with a different man. You and your H loved each other enough to decide to create a family (keeping your unplanned pregnancy) so, unless there’s actual abuse, you and your H do owe it to your little one to have a go at making your relationship work even if it doesn’t work in the end. The other guy is a distraction and not a solution.

Is there scope for further discussion re having a second or is that discussion over? As a PP said, that might be impacting your desire for your H. Once our two were a bit older, we found two were easier than one in many ways because they can entertain each other and keep each other company.

That’s lovely @Girlmom35that you both put the work in and are happy now. Yep I feel like I just get criticised all the time. I said I’d do some DIY ages ago and haven’t got round to it for one reason or another and it’s all he brings up. But I genuinely have so much on and did book a day off to do it but DD had a sickness bug so didn’t go to nursery and was really poorly. He’s extremely proud and defensive though so think any kind of discussion would come across as an attack to him

Thanks @Dery it does all feel very relentless right now. No there’s definitely no abuse I think I just feel emotionally starved and craving that closeness but I’m confusing myself because I don’t want it off him. Yeah I think I could definitely persuade him to have a second but I don’t want to have to convince him. I want someone who really wants to have kids with me!

@TouchOfSilverShampoothank you, I really resonate with this and I’m glad you managed to work it out. It’s so hard, I miss the old me. I feel ungrateful too because looking in we have a wonderful life but give me the tiniest crumb of attention from someone else and it has me questioning everything 😩

I think you need to go out and have fun together. Go and do something you used to like doing together. Don't go for a meal and sit in stony silence not knowing what to say, go and do an activity together instead so it'll take the pressure off struggling for conversation. What did you used to like doing or what would you like to try now, dancing, bouldering, pottery painting, bowling, swimming, ice skating, watching live music, anything that appeals to you both.