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Original poster

Do you ever get the spark back after the roommate phase?

28 replies

tallache1 · 25/04/2025 20:10

A tale as old as time I’m sure. But do you ever get the spark back? Toddler is 2, he’s an amazing dad and would do anything for her. But I just feel like we’re roommates and have absolutely no desire for sex anymore 😔 I’ve tried to put it on and fake it but I hate having sex. I thought it was breastfeeding but I’ve had my head turned by someone else (absolutely not proud of this and I won’t act on it) which I know wouldn’t happen if I was in a fulfilling relationship.

I feel under appreciated, I’m pretty sure he does too. Just feels like we’re both slogging our guts out and annoying each other. He gets snappy with me when I try make conversation so I retreat and then get told I’m quiet and moody. Feeling sad and conflicted because I don’t want to split our family up and I can’t bear the thought of not seeing DD half the time and I know he’d be the same but I don’t want a loveless relationship. I also want a second baby at some point which I know he doesn’t but I’m not getting any younger so would prefer sooner rather than later.

Has anyone else gone through this and come out the other side or do you just muddle on til someone has an affair or breaks up?

OP posts:
TheMathofLoveTriangles · 26/04/2025 08:46

Contrary to most on here I think you sound like you’re done. You don’t sound like you particularly want to try to find the connection again and that makes the difference. People speak from the experiences of their own life and I’m probably doing that too. It’s true that the grass is not greener when you separate because you still have a child and you need to add to that financial difficulties that will be exacerbated if you split. But living with someone who you used to love but no longer do is soul-destroying. My advice is don’t wait if you know in your heart it’s over.

3luckystars · 26/04/2025 08:52

TouchOfSilverShampoo · 25/04/2025 21:21

Op I genuinely hated the very sight of my husband at one point and it was when the kids were really small.

Similarly I felt like I had lost my identity, everything in my entire life had changed once the kids came along yet his life was exactly the same. I felt like the housemaid that he occasionally wanted for sex.

The resentment became a competition to us. Who was more tired. Who had it worse. And honestly I despised breathing the same air as him.

We did kind of separate for a while. Remaining in the same house but living totally separately while we figured out what to do next. I flirted with a few people and yes the attention was great and it’s all fun but it’s really shallow.

We socialised with our friends more (separately) I worked as much as I wanted as we split our time with the kids. I only cleaned up after myself. Initially it was great albeit a bit awkward because I had more of my own life back.

Then over the months I realised just how much I missed him. We were a unit. He was my best friend. He felt the same and over time we worked at it again. But treated it like a new relationship.

Ten years down the line and I can honestly say he’s my person. Still my best friend. The love of my life. We just needed a reset.

I know this bit is really hard and can be really shit but don’t throw in the towel just yet.

That’s really positive.

Try marriage counselling or and see how you get on. It’s worth a try x x

babasaclover · 26/04/2025 16:02

tallache1 · 25/04/2025 20:27

But yeah do all long term relationships end up here @babasaclover?

From my own experience and I’d say 90% of people I know yeah they do. It’s not right but it seems to be the norm. Then those who leave meet someone new and all is good again for a few years until the rot sets in. I genuinely don’t believe we are animals are supposed to be with one person for life but sometimes it’s better the devil you know

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