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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP’s jealousy destroying relationship

31 replies

belnding · 25/04/2025 16:35

This is really weird- I’ve been with DP for 6 years, and now what feels like out the blue his jealousy is destroying our relationship.

He suddenly has a crazy hatred for my ex husband who I split from 12 years ago.

he absolutely hates my job and everything to do with it. But was equally hating when I reduced my hours to part time as it is me doing something I want to be doing (my take on it)

he hates the fact I’m on a club social committee- yet he too is on a social committee for another club

goes without saying loads of issues around my relationship with my children.

hates the fact I go to counselling- yet always watches programmes championing mental health etc. so it’s not that he’s against counselling- just against me doing it.

I feel really flummoxed- this has all come out of the blue really, and I feel really undermined on all of those issues above.

everyone is going to say ltb. I just feel really sad for what had been a really good relationship.

money is the only root cause I can think of. I have a house and he doesn’t and is in debt with no chance of owning one.

OP posts:
Cloudface14 · 25/04/2025 16:40

How old are the children involved?

Baffling you’re with him op. Baffling

Cloudface14 · 25/04/2025 16:41

goes without saying loads of issues around my relationship with my children.

and yet you remain and even feel sad about the thought of not being with him? Shudder

Rattai · 25/04/2025 16:42

Quite confusing if you say he hates these separate issues without saying what he actually says about each one??

Arlanymor · 25/04/2025 16:43

What does he hate about these issues? What has he said when you’ve raised the double standard issue? Also what stuff around kids? If that part has been going on for a while (and sounds like it has) then you need to separate out these details. Sorry I can’t give advice because you’ve been vague with information.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 25/04/2025 16:47

Do you live with him? It sounds like he is trying to alienate you from your support and your family. If you don't live with him, time to get rid. If you do live with him, still time to get rid but carefully

ExplodingCarrots · 25/04/2025 16:54

You say it's happened out of the blue , what was going on around the time he started doing this ? I ask because some partners who cheat suddenly become jealous of their partners because of their own behaviour .

Cloudface14 · 25/04/2025 16:56

It won’t have come out of the blue

at least one detail confirms it’s been going on for some time

he absolutely hates my job and everything to do with it. But was equally hating when I reduced my hours to part time as it is me doing something I want to be doing (my take on it)

Dogpawsandcatwhiskers · 25/04/2025 16:58

What joy does he bring to your life if all he does is moan about everything you do?

TomatoSandwiches · 25/04/2025 16:59

He's likely cheating on you, this hating on everything you are doing is projecting.
Why keep him around if he's causing issues with your children anyway?

FortyElephants · 25/04/2025 17:00

Has this really come out of the blue? What does he say when you ask him where it has come from?

Fuzziduck · 25/04/2025 17:01

immediate thought is he has cheated.

GildedRage · 25/04/2025 17:04

Sounds like he dislikes every aspect of your being.
Zero likelihood he will change, like “the ick” once you’ve got it, you’ve got it.
It is sad, but it seems he’s left the relationship in a major way.

MoominMai · 25/04/2025 17:05

belnding · 25/04/2025 16:35

This is really weird- I’ve been with DP for 6 years, and now what feels like out the blue his jealousy is destroying our relationship.

He suddenly has a crazy hatred for my ex husband who I split from 12 years ago.

he absolutely hates my job and everything to do with it. But was equally hating when I reduced my hours to part time as it is me doing something I want to be doing (my take on it)

he hates the fact I’m on a club social committee- yet he too is on a social committee for another club

goes without saying loads of issues around my relationship with my children.

hates the fact I go to counselling- yet always watches programmes championing mental health etc. so it’s not that he’s against counselling- just against me doing it.

I feel really flummoxed- this has all come out of the blue really, and I feel really undermined on all of those issues above.

everyone is going to say ltb. I just feel really sad for what had been a really good relationship.

money is the only root cause I can think of. I have a house and he doesn’t and is in debt with no chance of owning one.

SORRY DIDNT MEANT TO TAG YOUR WHOLE POST but can edit it out now!😅 Ugh, I feel you OP. I split up with my ex precisely for this reason. When I first met him he couldn’t tell me enough how he respected my independence and hoped his 17 year old daughter would be like me when she’s older as I had good job and my own detached house in a desirable area. Anyway a year later he hated the fact that I was able to wfh much of the week for some reason, hated me going away for work and in fact gave me the silent treatment over it, hated when I even mowed my own lawn! Also got unhappy of someone whatsapped me on our work chat and oh so many other nonsense things. I asked him why he had an issue with what he said he first admired about me and he had no answer. Anyway, after his jealousy and paranoia escalated to spying on me I ended it. I don’t get it either, so crazy how a man who compliments you on certain traits then has an issue with the exact same things a few years later - it’s unfathomable to me!

Dery · 25/04/2025 17:06

@belnding - it’s hard when a previously good relationship collapses. The behaviour your describing is unacceptable - particularly if he’s trying to come between you and your DCs - but if this is something new after 6 good years, I can see why you want to give him a bit of a chance though you’re in no way obliged to. Is he open to therapy for himself, do you think? Does he recognise how shit his behaviour is?

dddilemma · 25/04/2025 17:07

He sounds controlling. Has an issue with everything you do, even if he also does it!

Feelthesunswarmth · 25/04/2025 17:50

I agree with pp that he is probably cheating - classic symptom the cheater displaying jealousy in this way.
As is the criticism of you.
Especially as it's a sudden change in behaviour

Original poster
belnding · 25/04/2025 18:09

Thanks @MoominMai- that’s exactly what it’s like!!

OP posts:
StrawberryDream24 · 25/04/2025 18:14

This is emotional abuse.

How long have you been subjected to it?

MoominMai · 25/04/2025 18:14

belnding · 25/04/2025 18:09

Thanks @MoominMai- that’s exactly what it’s like!!

I so feel for you! I forgot to say like your DP my ex irrationally hated any and I mean any interaction with another male and if we were in on holiday somewhere and I said I’d been there before, he’d always give me the third degree re who it was with and if it was an ex BF he’d want to know more like so so weird then I may reluctantly tell him eg a lot of them were v successful more so than him but he pushes and pushes so I told - and then the best part is in an argument (always started by him over some other jealous moment) he’d throw it in my face that I made him feel less than talking about this or that successful BF!!? I mean yiu couldn’t make it up - Utter insanity!

StrawberryDream24 · 25/04/2025 18:16

money is the only root cause I can think of. I have a house and he doesn’t and is in debt with no chance of owning one

I'd guess he found it nice & convenient to couple up with a woman with a home,no money problems, who has it together etc. but then the problem is that he also apparently fucking hates you for it.
Slight problem.

StrawberryDream24 · 25/04/2025 18:19

You've had your kids, you presumably don't want more, you have your own home, a job etc.

Why keep someone around who abuses you?

I would build up your social life more and there's no reason you can't meet another partner after a while, should you wish.

This guy sounds like a poisonous, stressful, pain in the ....

StrawberryDream24 · 25/04/2025 18:21

(Has something happened that has made him realise you're not likely to marry him, he won't get a share in your home etc.?)

Bananalanacake · 25/04/2025 18:27

Don't let him move in with you, ever

ginasevern · 25/04/2025 18:32

He's looking for a "get out" clause and shifting the blame on you. It's a classic male strategy. If he makes you out to be a cheating, horrible bitch it will be easier for him to leave with a free conscience. He's probably got another woman on the sidelines.

Alongtoe · 25/04/2025 19:30

Bananalanacake · 25/04/2025 18:27

Don't let him move in with you, ever

Oh that ship sailed I reckon. Probably 6 weeks after first meeting

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