Husband not disclosing details of night out

[BuzzYourGirlfriendWoof]

About a month ago my husband went to the pub with his mates in our local village on a Friday night; he said he’d be back after the football finished. I never stay in our bedroom if he goes out drinking as he’s very clumsy & loud when he comes in (falls on me, is completely out of it, switches on lights, snores loudly etc), but because he’d made out it was a low key night, we both knew in advance that I’d be staying in our room. We also had a babysitter arranged for the following night, and I’d booked a lovely meal in London for a show he’d been desperate to see for ages as it was his birthday on the Sunday.

It gets to 1am after his night out and he’s still not home, he hasn’t messaged to say he’s staying out later than planned (we both agree this is common courtesy within our relationship) and he stumbles in absolutely wasted, crashes into my side of the bed, passes out & snores his head off. He’s hungover to high hell the next day and I felt sad that he’d ruined the plans we’d had booked in for ages. Turns out they went back to one of the friend’s houses after the pub closed, hence the late return home.

Fast forward to Easter weekend, and we bump into the guy whose house he went back to, plus his wife. She starts telling stories about the night as it transpires she and some of her friends were at the house too & they all socialised together, but my husband never once mentioned that they were there. I just find this such a strange omission, and I feel like if I ended up back at someone’s house and there was a group of people there, I would definitely tell him because….why not?! These women are acquaintances of mine.

He said he never said anything because it was so inconsequential, but when I asked if the roles were reversed would he find it weird if I failed to mention similar, he agreed he would.

It just feels a bit shady, but I am really open and honest so maybe I’m putting unrealistic expectations on him. For what it’s worth, I think the fucking up of our plans for his bday is the worse of the two things, I just can’t shake this horrible feeling about the after party coyness. Fully prepared to be told I need to get a grip, as I feel like old insecurities are creeping in (I’m in the middle of a terrible family crisis so I’m definitely not in the best frame of mind presently).

Hmmm I'm with you, think it's odd not to have mentioned it. Is there someone in the group back at the house that your husband knows you don't like? In which case he may have omitted the details as he knew it would wind you up.

Funnily enough, yes. There is one woman who is lovely when sober, but a nightmare when drunk. I don’t have any worries about my husband, but she makes a beeline for men when she’s been drinking and ignores the women (she has always made it publicly known that she prefers male company).

So, yes, it could be that. But also makes me feel like it’s all the more reason to be transparent. I know some men prefer an “easy life” though 🙄

See, I am not sure tbh
My dh may not have bothered to mention a situation such as this because he wouldn’t register that there would be an issue.
If anything shady went on I don’t think the woman would have mentioned it
Op, is there some back story to this which gives you a reason to suspect your dh?

I don't think it's strange that the person's partner was at their own house? If he went back to this blokes gaff, presumably if you live in a village where everyone drinks in this pub, then his partner and their mutual mates might all pile back to one person's place for 'afters'.

Do you think he cheated with one of the women there? Do you trust him?

To me I'd assume he got pissed with a mixed sex group at the pub, then his mates house, which it seems he did. It doesn't sound like he could have done anything shifty as there would be loads of witnesses anyway?

But if he has form then that's another story...

No, no reason to suspect him as such. I definitely don’t like him very much when he’s been drinking (as above)….it definitely doesn’t do him any favours, but he’s very loving day to day and happily mentions how much the children and I mean to him (both to us and to other people).

Like I said, I’m worried I’m spiralling into an insecure place as I’m being triggered by family stuff but at the same time, can’t stop this horrible thought creeping into my head. And if I’m honest, it’s made me not want to be as open and honest in the future (realise this is petty & immature and I hope that feeling goes away, as it’s not like me at all).

@BobbyBiscuits the men were at the pub, then went back to the house where the women were. I’d totally expect the guy’s wife there, but it’s just the omission of the rest of them. It would have been completely normal to say “Oh, X, Y and Z were there when we got back”, not least because if I saw those women they would likely have said something about my husband being there (“How was his hangover?!” Etc.), and I would look like a bit of a mug because I had no idea they were even there. I don’t think he’d cheat, I just feel weird about it.

I agree I'd have mentioned it, but I'm not sure if men do in the same way. There were some peope he wasn't interested in there, so he didn't think to mention to you that they were there.

I don’t think I’d have mentioned it to be honest, I dunno. I’d have said where I went but I probably wouldn’t have bothered with reciting a register of every single person that was there and I wouldn’t expect that from my husband either?

I literally could have written your post!! My H is a great father and husband but his after football pub sessions in our village which always end up with him going back to a mates until the early hours and stumbling into the house steaming drunk infuriates me. Mainly for waking me or making me worry he’s been in an accident.

My take would be he knew you were pissed about his hangover/ ruining the next day so didn’t go into great detail about his ‘fab’ night out in the hopes you would forget his behaviour. Even if he was the type he would be an idiot to have done anything with another woman with mutual friends around as it wouldn’t have stayed quiet with village gossip!

He is a husband and father and yet he regularly goes out drinking and comes back so drunk you can't even sleep in your own bed?
He sounds disgusting and it sounds as though he has an alcohol problem.

He didnt even bother letting you know about his change of plan when he went back to this party at his friends house. And the fact he then kept quiet about the party and the women there I would assume something happened he didn't want you to know about.

I appreciate you feeling that way but if he won't cheat why does it matter the sex of the others at the house. You knew the guy had a partner and that she'd be there, so why not her mates?
Maybe he did nothing of note and crashed in the corner, all the woman's pals barely spoke to or noticed him?
Would you want him to be paranoid about you if you crashed at a pals house and members of the opposite sex happened to be there?
And in your hungover state you didn't mention them by name or sex individually?

I think you probably feel a bit more sensitive about this because he had already been disrespectful and this feels like the icing on the cake.

In reality, I wonder if he just felt bad enough about what happened enough without making it sound worse by it looking like he was partying rather than just pissed with his mates.

I'd be pissed off too either way.

To be honest, this is probably something that it would just never occur to me to mention to DP.

I'll regularly bump into people and then three weeks later DP says "I saw so and so yesterday, they said they'd seen you a while back"

DP on the on the other hand gives me the full run down of her day within minutes of getting home.

I'm not being secretive, it just generally doesn't occur to me that DP would be interested in me saying "Oh, bumped into Jayne last night"

My DH and me always tell each other stories from the night and what we got up to so mine would defo have mentioned it.

Do you think because he'd pissed you off and put a dampener on your plans for the next day, he just didn't want to talk about the night at all in fear of annoying you more by reminding you about it and had you not had the plans and slept in a different room. He'd have talked more openly about the night as a whole and mentioned others being there?

I don't think it's weird. He said he and his friends went back to his friends house so it might not have occurred to him to say and his wife was there who also had some friends over. Especially if you all know each other it's a bit like his friends/his wife's friends blend into one? As in, unless he pointedly mentioned that X, X, X were there but left out the others it might not have occurred to me.

I'm thinking of a time my DH went to visit his friend. Evidently there were other friends visiting, he mentioned one or two of them but I assume there were others and didn't think to ask/he didn't mention.

I think he’s probably known he is in the bad books already for being hungover the following day, he’s had a night out and ended up out with other women while simultaneously spoiling your date night.

' We also had a babysitter arranged for the following night, and I’d booked a lovely meal in London for a show he’d been desperate to see for ages '

are you saying the babysitter was cancelled, along with the meal and you didn't go to the show ?
why?
because he was hungover ?

Go with your gut

I think you are overthinking it, as others have said - if i went to a friends house for a bit of a after pub thing i wouldn't even think to say their partner was there, it would just be a given. I enjoy a drink but read too many stories of people on here who's DH's simply get rat-arsed every time they go out. Not pretty is it.

I think maybe he didn't mention it because you were already cross and sad (due to the birthday thing). So he didn't want to make things worse!

I'm another one who probably wouldn't mention it. I've never been one to give chapter and verse reports after I've been out. It doesn't occur to me that anyone would be that interested.

You've already OPd about his drunkenness spoiling the birthday plans. I think it's time you let go of all this and, and stopped overthinking it.

That is such terrible advice.

Why? Sometimes the advice on here is crazy!

I think op you "feel weird about it" because you feel left out. And you were actually left out as things happened - and in all honesty that's probably the reason he didn't tell you.

But left out is different from cheated on, and it would be an odd group of married folk if they all went back and started shagging.

He probably also felt guilty about the next day being ruined and just wanted to keep off the topic. Not great but not super sinister either.

FWIW I hate these "don't you trust him?" shaming comments you get on these threads. Distrust is a normal human instinct designed to protect us. Ok, you can't let it get out of hand, but normally people are posting because something has triggered their alarm instincts. People cheat, and not only people who weren't trusted. Plenty of trusting partners have been heartbroken and this should be a space to help them rationalise - or validate - their anxiety around an incident.

Are the last 5 posters aware that this thread is 4.5 months old, and that the Op didn't return after that first day.
She must be jolly puzzled to be getting notifications on it again.