Fed up with marriage to depressed DH

[MyKefirBringsAlltheboystotheyard]

My DH has always had a tendency to anxiety and depression, usually related to work. He was made redundant last year, and ended up plunging into severe depression and being sectioned for 5 weeks. He came out and did some hourly paid work which he enjoyed but wasn't regular. I was ok with that as, even though the money was crap, I have a good job and he could build on it. He, I suspect because he didn't want to be the lower earner got a full time job, and now can't cope with it and is probably going to have to leave. He's back to being depressed again. I just feel this is never ending. He's miserable all the time ( not just over the past year, he's always been glass half full over everything) and it's affecting my physical and mental health. I've tried to say it doesn't matter if he leaves and goes back to the hourly paid work, as it's something he can do if he set himself up as self employed too, and frankly it will make my life easier if he did that, wasn't so bloody miserable all the time and could do more around the house. I don't know whether to just leave him to it, or to make suggestions he won't follow. He has got some counselling and career coaching booked, but once he came out of hospital he was just signed out and given repeat prescriptions, and that it.

Depression can be a bottomless pit. One person keeps throwing their energy and resources in it and it just swallows them up like a black hole, leaving the other partner depleted. If he's always been like that, it's more likely that he'll get worse as he gets older, not better.

Do you want to have children? Asking because he doesn't sound suited for this at all. In addition to the personality and financial aspect, you need to consider that his characters traits could be inherited by your future, so rather than having to help 1 person with this, you end up supporting several that are just like him or worse.

Oh gosh this is a tough one. There is no easy answer but I think you need to temporarily remove him from the equation and ask what would make you happy. Would separating make you happier? Ultimately only he can fix himself and better his situation. The fact he has been sectioned indicates quite a severe mental health issue and it doesn’t sound like he has emerged from this any better off.

That ships already sailed! I did post a longer thing but thought it was TMI! We've been together 20 years and have 2 teenage sons. His father was quite severely depressed and quite violent with it. That's affected him, although he hasn't ever been violent to our children or me. It's just the constant misery. It does worry me that they may inherit the trait.

Well if I could wave a magic wand, I think I'd like an amicable separation. One DC is 17 and wanting to go to University and the other is 2 years behind. Once they are gone, I can't really see much else there is for us. I think I'm just scared to say it though. I don't really want to live with anyone anymore ( except my children if they need it) I've always been happy with my own space. My friend got divorced and she's off to Japan just on her own, and I was just so envious!

Bottomless pit, that description resonates with me so much. My husband is on year 7, it is relentless. I have more or less brought up our daughter alone, little interaction on his part with her. So sad. Luckily her aunts and uncles are enthusiastic. I go to work and receive message after message of help, I can´t go on, I can´t move, I, I, I , I, I, I. This illness I describe as not being able to get their heads out of their asses. It is I, me, my ALL the time. And yesterday was a bad day as I found out he hasn´t been going to the physio or psychologist and didn´t bother to attend his psychiatrist either. The lies that went with this. I am SO fed up.

Kudos to you for raising your kids through this. Although some severe mental illnesses can crop up at a later time, I think you would have seen the beginnings of it by now. The important thing for them is awareness of the issue and motivation to get it sorted if they see themselves going down the same path.

If he was physically ill, would you "want to leave him", OP?
I know it is difficult, but there is something to be said for the commitment in marriage that is "in sickness and in health", and that surely includes mental health?

@EarthSight I really hope so. They seem very well adjusted. MIL was always in awe of FIL and made excuses for him even when he was being abusive to the kids. She kind of expected me to be the same, but I made it clear I will of course help him and be sympathetic but my kids come first and that's it. I hope they know that. They seem to be well adjusted and come and talk to me despite being teenagers!
@Katiesaidthat It's so shit isn't it, and you feel guilty for being like that. What are you going to do?

I agree with this IF the person is engaging with medical help.
It's the same with physical ailments. If they had a broken leg but refused to go and get it plastered, but kept moaning about the pain, would you run around supporting them and helping them to the toilet? Would you heck.

He needs to pay for counselling long term. Also might be worth seeing a psychiatrist privately as his meds should be more helpful. I know it's expensive but so is divorce. In truth, you might both be happier separately. Especially as you sound driven and ambitious which is great but probably makes him feel worse.

I know and that's kind of what I feel, but it's so draining and I can't really see an end to it. Sometimes I don't see what difference it would make to him.

I hate the in sickness and in health blather. It’s one thing to deal with a sick spouse that’s dealing with temporary ill health but a lifetime of physical or mental health issues would see me out the door. Don’t give a toss how selfish that sounds. I already cared for a family member who was ill for years. No one is obligated to provide endless care for anyone at their own expense.

@Katiesaidthat There's actually a neurological reason for that 'I' focus.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37261927/
https://www.nature.com/articles/tp201740

That's why some forms of meditation is good, why people are happier when they don't focus on themselves or their own ego quite so much.

However, it's a bit of a blurry picture because you can have depression and also have separate traits that are rather narcissistic, which don't help.

Some people also get a bit addicted to the automatic attention they get by the drama of it all, by keeping other people on tenterhooks.

One of the most difficult things to overcome is when someone's been depressed for so long, it becomes part of their identity. They find a sort of strange comfort and stability in their own suffering. Their mind cannot envision another identity, another self for them.

Although it's highly illegal in the U.K and I don't think it's quite the magic cure that people make it out to be, such people could benefit from a psilocybin therapy. If I were in the same boat, I'd be finding out where they're doing clinical trials of this here, as it is currently being done, but it's very small scale and tightly controlled. Rightly so really. It's important to avoid ill-equipped people who do this sort of illegal therapy.

I think what really hurts people in these scenarios is not that another person is ill, but the fact that they don't have the motivation for self-care. They get used to their partner doing the hard paddling for them, used to leaning on their partner no matter what it does to them.

That's excellent and very hopeful. Sounds like they've taken after you.

Yes I was wondering if both of us would be better off.
The thing is, I was driven and ambitious when I was younger. I did a lot of work, I was stressed but worked bloody hard, some of that with small children ( he was working too but still moaning about it and how hard it was despite having most of the load taken off by me) and now I am doing a job I love, that I don't find stressful anymore because Zi have experience and seniority, I have lovely polite happy kids, and it's just all gone to pot because of something I can't control.

How would you feel OP if 6 months after leaving he had a new girlfriend and was reasonably chipper? If the idea doesn’t fill you with horror I think you have your answer. I’ve got a H who is a little prone to be depressive and always wanting what’s a bit out of reach - however it’s not all the time - as it is I find it hard going after 30 years and with no distraction of kids at home- if it was all the time I would have to end it for the sake of my own sanity even if it made him sadder -

Ultimately though if a marriage is miserable with no end in sight I don’t think anyone is bound to stay in it

To be honest, I don´t know. I am always digging him out of problems, I´m his fixer I guess. Also resisting being taken down his rabbithole with him also vampirizes my energy. If I new he would be taken care of, I would definitely distance myself for self preservation.

Yes I feel the same. I hope it gets better for you ( and me) I'm not sure what the solution is or how to deal with it really. All the help is for the depressed but not for the people around them, as far as I can see.

That’s what happened to me! XH had been depressed along with medical issues (driving the mood problems). He wouldn’t engage to chase follow-ups are discuss treatment options. I got so tired of trying to help him and getting nowhere, his mood dragged us all down. He started dating someone new a month after we split 🤷🏻‍♀️ I realised later down the line that he was actually emotionally abusive. He used his low mood to keep me down too, sucked the fun out of everything. He used it as a form of control too. Honestly, a few years down the line I’m living independently. I’m in a lovely relationship with no plans to move in together any time soon, just enjoy each other’s company when we are together. I think I realised when I left that I’d be happier alone than married to him. I didn’t leave expecting to meet someone else, I left because my gut said I’d be happier alone. Can’t say it’s been easy but it was worth it. He says he’s happy now but when I talk to him he still seems like a grumpy old
man! (He’s only 40!).

It sounds like OP has been with him in sickness and in health. But does she deserve to become mentally ill herself because of this? Because that will happen eventually. You can love someone and help them and want the best for them but I’ve seen firsthand the affects of someone sacrificing themselves for the benefit of someone else’s mental health struggles and it is truly heartbreaking.

@Crikeyalmighty I think I'd be happy tbh. We do get on well, and when things are ok, we have a nice time ( which is partly why I have suggested taking over paying all the bills and allowing him time to work part time in the hope eventually he'll be able to do more work) I don't want him to be unhappy. I want to not be responsible for him being happy/unhappy if that makes sense.

Can I just check: do you tell your children that they should be prepared to spend decades on end, and their children’s childhood praying at the altar of someone else’s mental illness - when that person has very little to zero commitment to getting better? Do you think that maybe that is slipping from hard into ridiculous, and completely unfair on the children?
And what about his vows to her? Don’t they count too, is his self-absorption cherishing her? I would say not.

@MyKefirBringsAlltheboystotheyard then I think you should initiate a separation - I do sometimes think ‘some’ people get depressed in long term relationships because of the fact ‘they can be a Debbie downer’ without someone telling them to instantly sod off - and miraculously their mood improves the minute they are in a new relationship because of the adrenaline rush . When it does , it’s not you, it’s something in them I think that needs a ‘fresh restart ’