Fed up with marriage to depressed DH

[MyKefirBringsAlltheboystotheyard]

My DH has always had a tendency to anxiety and depression, usually related to work. He was made redundant last year, and ended up plunging into severe depression and being sectioned for 5 weeks. He came out and did some hourly paid work which he enjoyed but wasn't regular. I was ok with that as, even though the money was crap, I have a good job and he could build on it. He, I suspect because he didn't want to be the lower earner got a full time job, and now can't cope with it and is probably going to have to leave. He's back to being depressed again. I just feel this is never ending. He's miserable all the time ( not just over the past year, he's always been glass half full over everything) and it's affecting my physical and mental health. I've tried to say it doesn't matter if he leaves and goes back to the hourly paid work, as it's something he can do if he set himself up as self employed too, and frankly it will make my life easier if he did that, wasn't so bloody miserable all the time and could do more around the house. I don't know whether to just leave him to it, or to make suggestions he won't follow. He has got some counselling and career coaching booked, but once he came out of hospital he was just signed out and given repeat prescriptions, and that it.

Maybe he also would benefit from separation specially if he is financially ok to manage.

Just out of interest, I searched for when the marriage vows were written and they derive from the Book of Common Prayer in 1549.

I do believe in caring for a spouse but also know that the type of long-term care expected today was not what was envisaged by ‘…in sickness and in health’ when, unfortunately, illnesses tended to be much shorter term.

It’s really difficult all round.

To be honest Op, you would probably be better separating

I’ve been in this position, with children the same aged the same as yours OP. It’s incredibly difficult.
my counsellor told me that no one is obliged to care for another, even under marriage, when I’d hit absolute rock bottom. You are allowed to put yourself first. The problem with supporting someone so ill is that all your own needs are completely overshadowed- I felt I couldn’t raise any issue for fear of making him feel worse.
There are a number of posters on this thread who truly understand how draining it is to look after a spouse who has no motivation or will. He was sectioned and even the professionals struggled to help him.
my DS described him as the Kraken, trying to drag us all down under into his Black Sea.
it was awful.

I have a few long term physical conditions. The pain and other related symptoms can get me down.
I have had depression in the past.
However, since meeting my other half it’s really brought it home that we both deserve to live the best lives we can.
I sought therapy, which I paid for from savings. I do the best I can every day to look after myself. I have my own friends and interests.
OH has his own life too. He has to slow right down to go at my pace and there are things we can’t do.
It is really important for your DH to take responsibility. To be frank, if something happened to you, how would he cope? He would have to learn to.
It is not wrong to walk away. If he’s not attending medical appointments then he’s not taking his recovery seriously.
I say this as someone who has been very ill, suicidal, my life only changed when I took full responsibility for it.

I will caveat this by saying I have NO personal experience in dealing with someone with severe depression, so it may be a terrible idea or one to explore with a therapist.

Is he aware that his misery is making you miserable as well as himself?
Does he know that you would like him to scale back his work, take on more home support and that you are supportive of this?
Have you practically discussed how this would work? How will he be protected if you decide to leave anyway in 5 yrs or die suddenly? Will you be ok with his earnings going to his pension for example?
Has he supported you through mat leaves or periods of part time work? Does he realise that you see this as something similar, that you enjoy your job and as a consequence it's not a burden in the way he would see it if he was a sole earner doing a job he hates?
Would he be happier on his own? The risk here is he thinks he should do this for your good but it's not actually what he wants. Does he want to trial a separation and move out? Can you afford to do this? Long term you'd have to sell up or split the equity in some way.

If he worked part time, cheered up immensely and you two recovered some of your equilibrium as a couple would you want to be married to him? Honestly. If you don't know, then you should be open about that as a risk.

These are all questions I've asked myself. It is definitely something to think about, but at the moment, I just don't know. I feel I'm in the middle of it and am afraid of blowing the whole thing up.We have discussed the work situation but I'm not sure how seriously hes taking it.

When I felt like that, I just tried to keep my tinder dry. I started looking into finances and how I’d manage on my own. I stopped trying to problem-solve and tried to just be sympathetic instead.
One thing to consider is what you think he’d be like if roles were reversed. Something significant happened (I became the dependent for a while after an accident) and suddenly he couldn’t contain himself. He couldn’t pretend to care at all. 6 hours in A&E getting seen and diagnosed, came home on crutches in a cast at 1am and do you know what he said? ‘I’m going to have to do everything from now on’. 🤔 charming. I waited until I’d recovered enough to cope on my own and told him it was over.
I waited long time but I had a crunch moment when I just knew I wanted out. It’s easy on MN to shout ‘LTB!’ but very different to utter those words. Take your time. He’s not changing. Start to imagine your future with him. Then imagine your future without him. Which one makes you smile? Which one has you living your dreams and goals?

Thank you. I will. I feel I do have the time to start doing that. I agree, it is easier said than done. I have looked into my finances, and I could do it, but as he probably wont have a job soon, he probably will find it much more difficult. As I said, hes not abusive or anything. I was watching Race Across the world last week, and theres a divorced couple doing it together. They'd been married 30 years and just said they had just drifted into being 2 people living under the same roof. I feel we've done the same, but just now with all the stress of jobs and the depression on top,I don't want him to live in penury. Hes still my children's dad. I feel I have time to see how it all pans out, but long term, I think without the kids at home (probably in a few years) and without the job issue, Id be happier on my own.

I’d tell him to find something he really enjoys abiet gardening, wood work, coding, shop work etc etc etc and focus on making that a career.
Lifes a lot less depressing when you do something you enjoy.

Yes that was what his part time job was, making a hobby into a job, but he stopped that because the money was crap, but I think you're right. He should just commit to making that into his career, no matter what they money is like.