How to separate in this situation?

[Chocchips123]

Hello

Need some advice. I want to separate from my dh. I am a stay at home mum as my kids are not in school due to disability.

I obviously don't work. My husband is the bread winner. We have a joint mortgage and don't want to move the kids. We were thinking of him renting a 1 bedroom flat near his work and me staying in the main home with the kids.

I also have some health issues meaning I'm limited in my activities. I have way too much stress that adds to it all.

Would I be entitled to help with this? we currently get topped up by universal credit and I get child disability and child benefits. Youngest is just 4 years old.

Of course I'm expecting my husband to pay his child maintenance money and we are also in debts separately which is annoying.

We normally live pay day to pay day...

Any advice please ?

Honestly my advice in this situation if you are already being topped up by UC as a family w

Sorry, clicked post to soon! Should say:

Honestly my advice in this situation if you are already being topped up by UC as a family when altogether is that you cannot afford to run two households on one wage, and you will not receive any financial help towards a mortgage. You’re also not going to get huge amounts of child maintenance if he is on a salary that currently entitles you to UC top ups.

For you to keep the house you’d need to be able to take over the mortgage in your own name which you can’t do with no income, and he won’t be approved on affordability for a flat when already paying a mortgage, bills, and receiving UC.

You need to sell the house, split the equity, and both look to rent or get on the council list. When renting you can receive the housing element of UC to help you financially.

I understand . The mortgage is small currently, the house we have isn't worth a lot £95,000. We have a mortgage left of about £78,000 currently as borrowed £81,000 back couple years ago as 1st time buyers.

You can get benefits for mortgage interest but I don't know how it would work if you could own. You should go to citizen advice for advice.

If you can't get it you have to sell and get housed by the council

But if you don’t work then you can’t take over & pay the mortgage, and if as a family you are already reliant on UC top ups to fund one household then he cannot afford to pay the mortgage AND rent on another property.

The alternative would he buys you out of the mortgage so he has the house, you get your 8.5k roughly of equity and you can then find somewhere to rent at which point you will be entitled to UC, potentially including housing benefit to help you to fund your household.

Does he want to split up too? You say “we” think he can rent a one bedroom flat which means he’ll be paying the whole mortgage, plus his rent, you’d also expect maintenance, he’ll be paying off joint debts and he won’t even be able to have the kids overnight in a one bed.

Can’t see many people happily agreeing to that, even if it was affordable which it probably isn’t. Even if he agreed to try it I doubt he’d want to carry on longterm. He’ll have lost the house he had and won’t be able to afford another.

Ok I see how that would be a better option. I just dread going back to renting with kids as we were always stuck in rentals until 2023 and the landlords wanted to sell etc was stressful.

I understand this way of thinking too. I would pay my debts , he would continue to pay his. The kids could sleep in the bedroom when there but they don't like leaving me due to their disabilities so that would be tricky , yes .

Unfortunately as you have no income of your own you don’t really have any choice. He isn’t going to indefinitely pay your mortgage and nor would any court ever expect him to, and you need somewhere to live.

Separating does mean doing exactly that, you both have to have separate households and you have to be able to fund those households independently. You will get child maintenance from him (unless shared care), and will be entitled to UC independently if you already are, but it is not realistic to think you can afford a mortgage with no income.

This sounds impossibly hard. Is it possible to separate but remain living together while you pay off debt and look to build an income of your own? Anything you can do from home, in the evenings for example?

But how would he pay debts if he is paying for your house and your household bills, plus his house and his household bills?

I need to work it all out, I'm a bag of emotions after last night's disagreement. I just feel trapped.

It sounds like an awful deal for him, as PP have pointed out. Why would he want to pay for your housing, a tiny flat, maintenance and debts? He should parent his kids equally to you and each fund your own lives and homes.

Being a stay at home ex wife won't be possible, surely?

You aren’t trapped, but it is time to get your ducks in a row and figure out what your options are.

The quickest option realistically is as I say that he takes over the mortgage, you get your half of the equity to walk away with (8.5k roughly based on your figures), and you then apply for UC independently and fund your life that way.

If you were prepared to play the long game then as another posted has suggested your other option is to start now and try to build an income for yourself. Work weekends, evenings, something you can do from home, so that when you do decide to leave you have your own money to help you.

I am on here asking for what help is available though. I didn't say I wanted him to fund 2 lives still ? I was hoping I'd afford the mortgage off any universal credit payments since I can't go out and work in my situation as mother to kids with high needs.

You’d need to be approved to take over the mortgage though, it’s not just about being able to make the payments it’s about the bank believing you can enough to let you take it over- that’s going to be very difficult with no income other than benefits.

There’s also the fact that UC will not pay towards a mortgage, but they will pay towards rent through housing benefit.

The comments about him funding 2 households is because your suggestion was that you & the kids stay in the house and he go for a flat, so he’d be paying for both of you. If you’re going to separate then that does mean totally, so no joint mortgage, and at the moment the bank is very unlikely to allow you to take it over because you can’t afford to.

Ok. Thank you for the clarification. 😞. It's tough.

A good starting point would be to actually work out what you'd be entitled too from benefits as a single person, then see what you can or cannot afford to do. Have you sat down and gone through the UC elements, any other benefits and totted them all up to see where you would stand financially each month?

This.
The house would have to be sorted in the divorce, your husband would need to be bought out or get his share of the equity etc. Then you'd need to check if any mortgage company would allow you to have the mortgage, funded by UC.
If all this happens will you afford the bills alone? If your husband parents 50/50 no maintenance will be required.
You should speak with a solicitor.

It is tough OP, it’s a difficult situation. Do you need to leave immediately? If not then as another poster suggested it would be a good idea to start earning some money of your own, whether that is working evenings or weekends, just something so that you do have some money behind you when you do decide it’s time to go.

Realistically though as a single parent with high needs children and no employment, you are going to need all the support financially that you can get to keep yourselves afloat and you are going to get more support renting by way of housing benefit.

Yes I will. The universal credit is made up of carer element, 2 child disability elements , all paid to me and that's the main parts of the payment now. Husband earns around £2400 a month take home. I also get child benefits. And child disability payments. All paid to me already.

It’s unlikely he will pass the affordability on renting a flat if his income is low enough to get UC and he will be responsible for your house too.

The universal credit it mainly made up of my carer element and children elements including child disability elements.

As I said, you an get help with mortgage interest payments. Go to citizens advice

You would need a guarantor to rent privately as you don’t work, unless you can put a year’s worth of rent down. Sometimes you’ll still need a guarantor.

Do you have anyone who can do this?

Is your relationship really beyond saving?