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Original poster

How to separate in this situation?

41 replies

Chocchips123 · 25/04/2025 10:00

Hello

Need some advice. I want to separate from my dh. I am a stay at home mum as my kids are not in school due to disability.

I obviously don't work. My husband is the bread winner. We have a joint mortgage and don't want to move the kids. We were thinking of him renting a 1 bedroom flat near his work and me staying in the main home with the kids.

I also have some health issues meaning I'm limited in my activities. I have way too much stress that adds to it all.

Would I be entitled to help with this? we currently get topped up by universal credit and I get child disability and child benefits. Youngest is just 4 years old.

Of course I'm expecting my husband to pay his child maintenance money and we are also in debts separately which is annoying.

We normally live pay day to pay day...

Any advice please ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocchips123 · 25/04/2025 11:50

CiscoTS · 25/04/2025 11:49

You would need a guarantor to rent privately as you don’t work, unless you can put a year’s worth of rent down. Sometimes you’ll still need a guarantor.

Do you have anyone who can do this?

Is your relationship really beyond saving?

Show quote history

No guarantor unfortunately. Marriage is really depressing 😕 and I am alone in it emotionally and mentally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocchips123 · 25/04/2025 11:52

CiscoTS · 25/04/2025 11:49

You would need a guarantor to rent privately as you don’t work, unless you can put a year’s worth of rent down. Sometimes you’ll still need a guarantor.

Do you have anyone who can do this?

Is your relationship really beyond saving?

Show quote history

Currently I never want to marry or be in a relationship again. My life is full of stress and I'd rather be on my own relationship wise.

OP posts:
Energe · 25/04/2025 11:52

It does sound shit for you. I hope you can find something that works for you

Whowhatwhere21 · 25/04/2025 11:58

Chocchips123 · 25/04/2025 11:30

Yes I will. The universal credit is made up of carer element, 2 child disability elements , all paid to me and that's the main parts of the payment now. Husband earns around £2400 a month take home. I also get child benefits. And child disability payments. All paid to me already.

Show quote history

If you haven't already, sit down and work out your UC entitlement as a single person, as obviously your entitlement will change when switching from a joint claim with a wage added In, to a single person with no wage. Edited to remove the bit about sanctions, just realised this won't apply if you are receiving disability benefits for children.

333FionaG · 25/04/2025 12:01

Would counselling help at all, to try and mend the relationship?

CiscoTS · 25/04/2025 12:03

Chocchips123 · 25/04/2025 11:50

No guarantor unfortunately. Marriage is really depressing 😕 and I am alone in it emotionally and mentally.

Show quote history

I do feel for you, it’s a really difficult situation.

Mrsttcno1 · 25/04/2025 12:12

It’s not impossible OP.

To look at the numbers, and this is just a rough guide as I don’t know whether you receive the higher or lower disabled child top up but based on it being the lower you’d potentially be entitled to:

  • Adult over 25 £400
  • Carer Element £201
  • 2 x Child Element at £292
  • 2 x Disabled child element top up £158

So that’s £1500 a month, and that’s before factoring in DLA, child benefit, any housing benefit or CMS payments from their dad.

Original poster
Chocchips123 · 25/04/2025 12:24

Mrsttcno1 · 25/04/2025 12:12

It’s not impossible OP.

To look at the numbers, and this is just a rough guide as I don’t know whether you receive the higher or lower disabled child top up but based on it being the lower you’d potentially be entitled to:

  • Adult over 25 £400
  • Carer Element £201
  • 2 x Child Element at £292
  • 2 x Disabled child element top up £158

So that’s £1500 a month, and that’s before factoring in DLA, child benefit, any housing benefit or CMS payments from their dad.

Thank you that's really helpful 😊

OP posts:
MoominMai · 25/04/2025 12:29

Chocchips123 · 25/04/2025 11:20

Ok. Thank you for the clarification. 😞. It's tough.

Show quote history

Actually, there is something UC offers called Support for Mortgage Interest (SMI) it’s a loan that would need to be repaid if you ever sold. Just a little extra info in case it helps 🙂

Original poster
Chocchips123 · 25/04/2025 12:33

MoominMai · 25/04/2025 12:29

Actually, there is something UC offers called Support for Mortgage Interest (SMI) it’s a loan that would need to be repaid if you ever sold. Just a little extra info in case it helps 🙂

Show quote history

Thank you. 😊

OP posts:
CiscoTS · 25/04/2025 14:37

MoominMai · 25/04/2025 12:29

Actually, there is something UC offers called Support for Mortgage Interest (SMI) it’s a loan that would need to be repaid if you ever sold. Just a little extra info in case it helps 🙂

Show quote history

Is that not just for payments towards the interest and not the capital? Doesn’t matter either way, because if they do separate, the DH is likely to want to come off the mortgage otherwise it will be a hindrance every time he has to have a credit check, for instance for renting or obtaining a mortgage for his own residence. With his low income, he’s unlikely to be granted a second mortgage, OP won’t be able to take over the mortgage without income (save for benefits). The property would need to be sold.

NeedsMustNet · 25/04/2025 17:21

Have you been to see your doctor / a talking therapist about your mental health?

And - I don’t know what kind of high needs your kids have but wanted to check anyway - do you have any free hours in the week which you can put to work? Even if you start small and do a Saturday morning job and ask your ex partner to look after them one day a week? Long term it could help build your sense of independence and it would make you much better off.

Original poster
Chocchips123 · 28/04/2025 12:57

NeedsMustNet · 25/04/2025 17:21

Have you been to see your doctor / a talking therapist about your mental health?

And - I don’t know what kind of high needs your kids have but wanted to check anyway - do you have any free hours in the week which you can put to work? Even if you start small and do a Saturday morning job and ask your ex partner to look after them one day a week? Long term it could help build your sense of independence and it would make you much better off.

Edited

Have decided to stay. My husband is neurodiverse so it's been a learning curve for me to adapt to living with someone that doesn't think like me and I am depressed and burned out.

Our solution is for me to get my own life experience like trips and time alone because I don't get that at the moment I'm just a burned out carer and my husband just goes about life and doesn't notice my needs at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocchips123 · 28/04/2025 12:59

To add he is supporting me in this , as its better than going our separate ways as there is still love there. Having my kids diagnosed in past couple of years and coming to the realisation dh is also neurodiverse , which explains a lot, as I has assumed he was just quiet and easy going. The more stress we have the more traits he displays.

Anyway.... gotta keep on ... keeping on.

OP posts:
NeedsMustNet · 28/04/2025 20:29

Glad to hear that there is love there. Hope you are feeling happier, with the changes, soon.

Original poster
Chocchips123 · 28/04/2025 20:49

NeedsMustNet · 28/04/2025 20:29

Glad to hear that there is love there. Hope you are feeling happier, with the changes, soon.

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
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