No idea how to ask the question

[grannell]

I live with my partner. We have 5 kids between us. His youngest is nearly 14 who he is super protective over which I completely understand. However, the boy keeps on urinating over the toilet, the floor and on occasion doesn't lift the seat so it is covered too.
I am the only one who cleans up after him nearly every time he goes to the loo. I have tried to ask my partner to have a word with him in the past. He says he will but never does. I have asked on the family group chat only to be made fun of. I have even spoken to the boy on one occasion to ask him to put the seat up. Nothing changes.
How do I broach this topic with my partner without him blowing his lid at me? I feel like a housemaid who nobody respects ( probably not helped by his oldest swiping a load of crumbs off the countertop onto the floor right in front of us this week and his dad just laughed).
I appreciate that this is not the worst thing given all that's going on in the world, but I work 3 jobs and could do without cleaning up after someone else's child.
Please be kind. There is so much going in in life ATM and I'm feeling quite fragile. My partner has a v short fuse hence why I'm asking for advice.
Thank you for reading.

If your partner can't see that it is unreasonable for you to be the one cleaning up a 14 year olds piss then he's not much of a partner.

The options are:
The boy wees in the toilet
The boy cleans up after himself
His dad cleans up after him

You don't have a role in this.

I think I'd probably talk to the 14 year old though, and say something along the lines that he's not a little toddler and needs to wee in the toilet. He's not going to be very welcome around friend's houses if he is weeing all over their bathrooms, and if he doesn't wee in their houses he can damn well stop pissing all over yours.

You aren’t listening!!!! This boy and his dad give zero fucks about you and have demonstrated this daily yet you still think that tone and language will change things.

There isn’t a piffy sentence that will placate an entitled bully. You need get out!

I'm actually crying. I'm made to feel that I'm the problem whenever I try and bring anything up. It's good to hear that it's not just me who thinks it's unreasonable. Thank you!

Your partner doesn’t respect you enough to see you as a partner.

If he did, he would put effort into parenting his son and respecting your contribution to the relationship. And he has no respect for his other children or yours.

I would be looking to put my own children first. It must be horrible for them to live in such conditions.

Why are you living together if you don’t even feel you can bring up such a simple thing?

Neither of them respect you or the home.

Why are you working three jobs? Is your partner contributing his equal share to the home, both financially and with cooking, chores etc?

Honestly, just stop tidying up after them, leave the crumbs on the floor and the pee on the toilet seat. Do you have another toilet you can use, like an en-suite? Use that and leave the mess where it is. If they don’t care, why should you?

I had a similar issue with my stepdaughter, not quite as gross, but still frustrating. When she’d get changed, she’d throw her dirty clothes into the laundry basket all tangled up: tights, pants, leggings everything still inside out and rolled together into a ball. I told my husband I wouldn’t wash them until she learned to take them off properly. I’m not standing there untangling her underwear.

At first, he got annoyed and accused me of being spiteful and just not liking her, didn’t faze me one bit 🤣 For a while, he started untangling them himself because I refused to do it and didn't wash it as a result. Eventually, he got fed up and started telling her off about it. Sometimes she sorts them out now, sometimes she doesn’t. When she doesn’t? Her stuff doesn’t get washed simple as that.

I make it very clear: I’m not the housekeeper. I do general cleaning and laundry for the household, but it’s basic respect if your clothes are on the floor or inside out, they’re staying there. She’s 13, not a toddler.

OP, you really do need to put your foot down.
.

Thank you for all your responses.
My partner does nothing to clean or tidy around the house so it's not surprising that his boys are the same. He has ended the relationship in the past because I apparently clean too much and don't give him enough attention. I only clean when he is not around to try and avoid any arguments.
I don't mind tidying after everyone but cleaning up someone else's urine every time he goes to the loo is too much!

So basically this is an appalling, one-sided relationship where not only do you skivvy for him as his sons, he gets annoyed at you doing so because it removes attention from him?

Id be moving on, OP. I hope you still have your own place, no shared children and separate finances.

They live at their mum's half the time but are here most days at some point, either morning or evening. They haven't been here for a few days but are back tomorrow. I feel so anxious about it all hence why I messaged today. I appreciate that I sound pathetic. Just worn down by it all!

Why on earth are you staying with a bloke who treats you like this?

His son is not the problem.

The fact you've got an arsehole as a partner is the problem. Him leaving was a good thing. Him coming back is what went wrong.

Bloody hell, this isn't going to get better*.

If you can, get out. If you can't get out now then start to plan how you can.

*voice of experience.

No shared children or finances as such. We own a house together and in currently getting a tenants in common document set up as I own most of the house and need to secure my share.

How do I broach this topic with my partner without him blowing his lid at me?

WTF, why haven't YOU blown the lid at such utter disrespect?
March the teenager back at tell him to clean up. Every time. If he or his useless pig of a dad complain, tell them to go piss over the toilet somewhere else. They have no respect for you.

Isn't it a bit late and dependent on his good will to try to protect your share after you've bought together?

I'd pretend to be OK with things and make sure you get that protection in place before you make any real waves.

Then dump the fucker.

If your living a life where you can't even raise this question (and others like it), I'd move them all out tbh. That's not OK

Why are you living with a man who does not do his fair share of cleaning ?

if he pissed on seat tomorrow get dad to sort the problem not you , if he won’t you need reconsider if this relationship is healthy

He is scum raising scum.

Where is your self respect.
Have you children around this pig you have bought a house with?

Get that paperwork signed.
Secure your finances and sell the house asap.

Are you vulnerable?
You sound very vulnerable, and that this relationship is abusive.

Call Womens aid for advice and support.

@category12 has your answer Op, get the legal paperwork done then leave and force the sale of the house. He's not a DP, he's a user, he won't tell his DC off for pissing all over, he won't clean up and has the gaul to complain you clean too much.
You're paying your own way, doing all the housework, what's in this for you? You could have a much easier life in your own place

You are completely right. I have lost my self respect and am a shadow of myself. I'm scared to say anything around my home for fear that he will kick off.
I hold two positions of quite high responsibility in my work. In that environment I am so confident yet at home I'm a nervous wreck!
I don't view myself as vulnerable, certainly not physically, but probably am emotionally.

I was in a relationship like yours for 10 years, tiptoeing around him and his spoilt children, trying the find the right tone/time/words to use whenever they completely disrespected my home. Every time it would erupt into a massive argument where I became the problem, not his kids stealing my kids stuff, spilling drinks and just leaving them while he stood and watched me, dropping rubbish on the floor, deliberately breaking things and then saying “my dad says I can” and wiping greasy hands on sofas, clothes etc.

I tried so hard to be the calm welcoming presence that he wanted and every single time they’d have me tearing my hair out.

I’m just lucky that they kicked off about my expectations that they might help with tidying etc if we moved in together.

They had proper Cinderella complex that somehow I was going to treat my own DCs differently and they’d end up doing all the work!

These people just want a skivvy/housemaid and while you toptoe around them cleaning up their messes its all fine. But if you stand up to it you end up being cast as the villain.

If you’re having to moderate your voice tone/words/behaviour to prevent your short tempered twat of a partner from kicking off, its an abusive relationship .

Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and do the Freedom Programme. And move out if its his house (get him out if it’s yours).

It will be hard, you’re probably trauma bonded, but long term you will feel happier and lighter. Life is too short to spend it like this.

What a miserable way to live. This man treats you with contempt. Either resign yourself to this (shit) life as a skivvy or start the process of leaving.

Agree with all the above, but please get your share of the house secure before saying anything more about this. Don't raise suspicions either that you are going to leave.

As for his "short fuse" - you shouldn't have to live in fear about his reaction to your requests to be treated with some basic respect by his children.

This is great timing. Tell him you’ve been thinking about the paperwork and don’t want to sign it, as this isn’t working for you. If he’s EVER shown ANY signs of physical aggression please be careful at this point. Have someone else around to keep an eye on him when you tell him and when he’s moving out as men like this lose their shit when the game is up. Be prepared to call police if he kicks off at all. If he has previous for being aggressive you can ask the police to put a marker on your address and that you’ll be asking him to move out so that they are primed to respond quickly if anything happens.

If you're walking on eggshells and tip toeing around your own home in fear of this man, what is life like for your dc's?

Thank you so much for showing me such kindness although it makes me cry even more! I'm not naturally a reserved individual and tend to speak my mind. My middle child calls me sassy all the time. It's just around my partner and his kids I've become a complete cowering wreck.