No idea how to ask the question

[grannell]

I live with my partner. We have 5 kids between us. His youngest is nearly 14 who he is super protective over which I completely understand. However, the boy keeps on urinating over the toilet, the floor and on occasion doesn't lift the seat so it is covered too.
I am the only one who cleans up after him nearly every time he goes to the loo. I have tried to ask my partner to have a word with him in the past. He says he will but never does. I have asked on the family group chat only to be made fun of. I have even spoken to the boy on one occasion to ask him to put the seat up. Nothing changes.
How do I broach this topic with my partner without him blowing his lid at me? I feel like a housemaid who nobody respects ( probably not helped by his oldest swiping a load of crumbs off the countertop onto the floor right in front of us this week and his dad just laughed).
I appreciate that this is not the worst thing given all that's going on in the world, but I work 3 jobs and could do without cleaning up after someone else's child.
Please be kind. There is so much going in in life ATM and I'm feeling quite fragile. My partner has a v short fuse hence why I'm asking for advice.
Thank you for reading.

Get rid of your partner and his children who are dragging you down to a very low level. They want your house to be dirty and stinking of urine.
Pissing as he does, the son is showing you how poorly he thinks of you and his father laughing about food swept onto the floor is insulting and humiliating you.
They’re treating you like scum when in reality they are.

I have two sons who are 6 foot and 6 foot 6. He behaves around them!

“I feel so anxious about it all hence why I messaged today”

OP, why are you putting yourself through this? You shouldn’t be feeling anxious: you should be pleased he’s coming, and the fact that you’re not speaks volumes.

You say, “I own most of the house and need to secure my share.” - well, once you have all the tenants in common stuff in place, surely he’ll own half of it? You need to get out now, before this goes any further, or you’ll end up being unpaid skivvy to this over-entitled drone and his rude, inconsiderate offspring.

“He has ended the relationship in the past because I apparently clean too much and don't give him enough attention.” So he’s selfish and a slob - please, let him end the relationship again, and find someone who is worth your efforts - because he’s never going to be, nor are his disrespectful kids. You are worth so much more than this.

Whose house is it? Are you honestly happy in the relationship, because it sounds pretty dire, and you shouldn't have to put up with so much disrespect (from both of them!).

I own 60 percent he owns 40. I can't afford to buy him out so need the document in place to secure my share before we put it on the market.

So let's take this conversation where it needs to be.
When are you leaving this very toxic situation?
What steps do you need to take beforehand?
Who do you need to support you through this?

I need to get this document in place and then will broach the subject with him.
I don't tend to turn to anybody for support. I've been through so much in my life and dealt with it on my own. Everybody has their own rubbish things going on and so the last thing I want to do is burden anyone. I really appreciate everyone's support in here though. Thank you! Just needed the reassurance that I wasn't being unreasonable!

As soon as you've done that you need to kick him out!
Op you are worth so much more than the way him and his dcs are treating you.

So many red flags here @grannell

Stop cleaning up after them, not to spend more time on him but spend that time on yourself.

Imagine how quiet, calm and simple your life will be without him, his short fuse and his entitled little-hims.

Your step-son sounds awful but so does your partner. What do you mean by a 'very short fuse'? I assume that whenever you raise any issues, he gets angry annd you back down. I think you would be better off without them both.

Exactly that. He makes up lies when we argue, sorry, when he argues with me just to hurt me and make me feel worse about myself.

It sounds like emotional abuse.

Honestly, play it smart for a bit. Pretend you're accepting it all and that you're compliant and won't say boo to a goose. Until you get that document done.

(Although, if you can't get it done, don't hold out for it forever, at a certain point you might need to accept a financial loss in exchange for your mental health and escape. )

Then end the relationship. Hopefully your burly sons have your back.

Better be single than with this guy.

They are taking you for granted

All right. This is Grey Rock https://www.resiliencelab.us/thought-lab/grey-rock-method#:~:text=The%20Grey%20Rock%20Method%20is%20a%20strategic%20approach%20designed%20for,less%20interesting%20to%20the%20abuser. You need this.

Also, think of a phrase to use when he says stuff. Something that says nothing. “I see”, “Oh. Well”. As few syllables as possible. And then grey rock. This will give you mental space to gear up for the next bit.

Ring a solicitor when you’re at work and being efficient. Do that on Monday.

He's abusive OP. You need to leave him or get him to leave. His abusive ways are obviously rubbing off on his son with his lack of respect for your home. It's almost as though his son is doing this on purpose as surely no 14 year old boy would get piss all over the bathroom and toilet every single time by accident unless he had a physical problem.

Your children sound amazing. Imagine just living with them without your abusive, gaslighting partner and his disrespectful son.

Well done for holding on.
Get that paperwork sorted asap.

Use your sons to put manners on him.

He is a nasty abusive piece of shit.
Life will be so much better when he is gone.

If it takes your sons putting the fear of god into him, do it.

No man is worth this.
Remember that.

I hold two positions of quite high responsibility in my work. In that environment I am so confident yet at home I'm a nervous wreck!

Because you're in an abusive relationship. And I've been there, handling multimillion pound deals at work with confidence, while totally stressed about what mood DP will be in this evening, and what have I done wrong this time.

It's not you, it's him.

Have you ever read "Why does he do that?"

Sending hugs. 🤗
This is abuse.
Grey rock until you are positioned to get rid.
Keep your sons around, especially when telling him to leave.
Your sass will be back.

If he ended the relationship because you clean too much, how did it happen that you got back together.

please just don’t spend your life around people like this. I actually think brushing crumbs into the floor in front of you when he doesn’t have your back is even worse kind of disrespect that the loo business and the loo is bad enough to make me furious on your behalf.

Hence my question, why are you still there? Hope you can change your circumstances pretty quickly.

You two are incompatible. Leave. Please leave and work on yourself and make sure that you're healthy before ever entering another relationship again.. Perhaps individual therapy would be beneficial for you.

This type of life, situation and relationship shouldn't have ever been appealing to you.

This is something that your children deserved to be involved in and with.

Learn to do better, execute, and apply that knowledge to your life.

Do better for yourself, so that you can do better for your children.

It's obvious that you don't think highly of yourself, and perhaps never will...so if you are unable to become better for yourself included...do it for your children.

Get your paperwork together.
In the meantime, start planning how you will break up. Speak to Women’s Aid for advice.

Are you absolutely sure you can’t buy him out? I didn’t think I would be able to afford to buy my ex out. Then I found a brilliant mortgage advisor and I was able to. It was a bit tight at first, then I got a good friend as a lodger for a few years. They were away a lot and were respectful of my space. It really helped financially.

💐

How are you doing @grannell ?