Advice needed after argument

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I would be grateful of any advice as I am feeling really low. I’ve been married to my husband for nearly twenty years and we have two children who are both teenagers.

I work part time 3 days per week and part of my wages goes on a cleaner every two weeks.

i finished work yesterday and picked up my children from school. We have just come back (Tuesday) from holiday over Easter and everything was fine. Obviously the house was in chaos. Clothes / suitcases etc everywhere and everything was untidy so as soon as I got home yesterday I started tidying up and putting stuff away in readiness for my cleaner coming today whilst I would be at work.

I emptied all the suitcases of clothes but left the suitcases downstairs as they were still heavy and cumbersome with all the shoes and remainder of toiletries in them.

I solidly was tidying away for at least two and half hours when my husband arrived home from work. I was upstairs in our bedroom. He came in and went straight to say hello to the children and then when he came into our room he walked in and said a vague hello and then said I hadn’t opened the side curtains of the windows and could I do it. I explained that I had been super busy and hadn’t occurred to me to open them. I was then pottering around whilst he was getting changed to go to the gym and I asked him if he could bring the suitcases upstairs to which he replied he’d do it when he would be back from the gym. I explained I could be getting on and emptying them whilst he was at the gym so he said he would bring them up. He then said “you still haven’t opened the curtains” to which I replied “you still haven’t picked up the bath mat which I’ve asked tou to do countless times” and he responded with “I can’t wait to go out you are always moaning” so I responded with “I can’t wait for you to go out either” to which he replied “f* you”. I asked why he had said that and he said because I said I can’t wait for you to go out which was nasty. He then went downstairs.

I followed him down and asked why it was ok for him to say such a thing to me but when I replied with a similar comment he told me to f* myself. He didn’t listen. Wasn’t answering told me to get out of the way and then walked out in a different direction. I asked him to take the suitcases upstairs and he refused. So I said well I won’t make your dinner then.

Then and I’m not proud what happened then but I just lost my rag. I called him a name, said I hated him. Really saw Red mist. Started lagging the suitcases upstairs but ended up throwing them back down. My children were crying and I am upset that I upset them. My husband was shouting at me to “get out” of the house but I took myself off upstairs to calm down. I very quickly calmed down and apologised to my children. By this point my husband had left and gone to the gym. When he came home I apologised for calling him a name, throwing the suitcases and upsetting the children.

However he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong in how he spoke to me prior to all this happening. Yes my reaction was totally over the top and I’m sorry this happened. Im really upset with myself too over it. But I can’t get past how he now thinks he’s done nothing wrong. Almost as through because I’ve reacted in the way I did he is the victim.

I would be grateful of any advice. In my opinion he always is the instigator of arguments and for the most part I keep my cool but as I said I saw red yesterday and I’m not proud of that.

Do you argue with your DH frequently, OP?

All sounds a bit fractious, but not a tragedy.
You might be met with a chorus of people telling you ‘what an asshole he is’ etc etc, but you both just sounded stressed and touchy with each other. It happens. I wouldn’t worry.

Why couldn’t he open the curtain - who made him king!! It’s the kind of arguments we have too OP - likes dishing criticism , but can’t stand any retaliation whatsoever - I’ve been married 29 years and it really pisses me off -

It's all very well to feel stressed with each other, but if this is happening frequently and if it is 'never his fault' then I think there is a problem. Do you think your DH would be open to couples counselling?

You come across as the household skivvy.

Your children are teenagers but can't unpack their own suitcases. Your husband is a grown man yet can't open curtains or lift a finger and to top it all, you're paying for a cleaner because all the housework is obviously yours.

No wonder you saw a red mist.

Your teenagers can be given chores and your husband should either start pulling his weight or pay the cleaner to do it. You're working part time I assume so that you can manage the children and house. That enables your husband to earn more and his reaction is to tell you to fuck off and go fuck yourself while he gets ready for the gym - leaving you to skivvy.

I’d say it’s time for a family meeting.

Sit every one down after dinner and say that you need to divide up the chores of the household so they’re distributed fairly, because everyone contributes to the mess created, so they’re all need to contribute to keeping the house tidy as well.

You might want to touch on Wifework and how it’s incredibly important that any of your daughters growing up don’t go into adulthood believing that housework is their responsibility and similarly for any sons you have, they need to understand that they can (& should) pick up after themselves and not leave it to the nearest female to do.

Neither you, nor your H want to be or raise misogynists.

In general, chores get done before hobbies. So in the case of yesterday, your H should have willingly brought the suitcases upstairs before going to the gym, especially as it then allowed you to sort out their contents.

Shouting won’t be an acceptable form of communication going forward, but neither will laziness/people not doing their share.

Your time is just as valuable as everyone else’s and should be treated as such.

This all sounds batshit. Why does it matter if the curtains are open or closed and why are you the only one who can open them? Why is he the only one who can pick up a bathmat. Not much harmony in your household is there.

I personally wouldn't want to have arguments like that. I'd probably end up just opening the curtains and saying 'fine, bring the suitcases up when your back'. Then just gone and watched telly/chilled out while he was at the gym.
Whether that's me being weedy or not wanting confrontation I don't know. I have starred to be more able to just let things slide for the sake of harmony.

I’m not understanding why you had to open the curtains? Does your DH not know how to?

Sounds like a petty control thing. Perhaps it’s his way of ‘getting back’ at OP when she reminds him of outstanding jobs allocated to him?

2 teenagers? And they didn’t help?

seems like an epic tidy needed if 2.5 hours solid

*He then said “you still haven’t opened the curtains” to which I replied “you still haven’t picked up the bath mat which I’ve asked tou to do countless times” and he responded with “I can’t wait to go out you are always moaning” so I responded with “I can’t wait for you to go out either” to which he replied “fyou”. I asked why he had said that and he said because I said I can’t wait for you to go out which was nasty.

did your kids hear this exchange op?

This.
Id also suggest you work start working full time or nearly full time as teens don’t need you the way small children would. Does your husband expect you to do all the chores etc BECAUSE your job is part time?

Build up your savings. You may need then to leave at some point.

Is he normally so cold?

Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you can’t carry some suitcases upstairs…

You then threw them down the stairs in a temper in front of the children who then were crying

If you wrote this from your partners perspective but making you the male you’d be told to leave and that your partner is hostile, abusive and out of control, enough said.

It doesn't sound like a partnership of equals.
You get to skivvy for the whole family. He expects you to jump when he tells you to do a household task he could easily have done himself. And he gets to prioritise his hobby while you do all the hard work at home. And children get to do nothing to help.you.

I'm not surprised at all you lost your temper.

You need to.have a serious conversationwhen the dust has settled about a fair division of labour. That also includes the children.

However I would be wondering if this argument and your H's attitude is symptomatic of deeper problems in.your marriage.

Hurrah for this 👆. Common sense view.

Your teenagers were crying

FFS this just have been absolutely hellish for them op

Is this correct?

• he comes in from work
• gives you instructions on what to do and tells you what you've done wrong
• goes to gym
• gets home and eats dinner you've made

When love is around, peace abounds…
To me, this argument all smacks of point scoring.
Could you agree with your husband to speak to each other in a more loving way?
I suggest… you go first and see how it goes.

Could he not simply have opened the curtains himself?

Of course a woman can carry suitcases upstairs!

But why should she when she has already done most of the unpacking for the whole family and spent a couple of hours cleaning the house!

I assume you are suggesting it SHOULD be the woman's job to carry the heavy suitcases upstairs because perish the thought the lord and master of the house should lift a finger and contribute to the household chores.

The speed at which this escalated suggests a real lack of goodwill between you. Do you spend time together as a couple, touch, have sex, go on dates, chat about random things? It sounds like both of you are so resentful of the other and not prepared to give an inch to each other

Could she not have picked up the bath mat?

Neither of them see to be hard jobs.

Sounds very point scorey, pointing out what each other hasn't done, is your relationship usually so combative?

You all sound batshit mental.