Mum and her ever present boyfriend

[SavannahKT]

Hi everyone!
My mum has been in a relationship for around a year, with a nice and caring man, 10 years older and retired (she’s still working).
He’s originally from a city around 3 hours away from us.
After a frightening health scare for my mum (around 4 months into the relationship), her boyfriend has basically moved into her apartment. He’s always there, even when she’s working, and now they come as a package, they are basically doing everything together. If I go for a coffee with my mum he tags along, if we’re doing any activity with my toddler he’s there, if I go for lunch at my mum’s, well you got that.
For context, I work just downstairs from my mum, and her apartment is our family apartment, where my sister and I lived our whole lives (I moved out, my little sister lives in another city, but still deems that as her house when she’s back - she’s a teacher and will be home for the whole summer).
The boyfriend is a really nice man, he does whatever he can to be liked by us, I really can’t say a bad thing about him.
I don’t want to sound like a jerk, but I reduced lunches at my mum’s, and we don’t see each other as much because…I can’t stand his constant presence. There’s no way I can tell my mum something, even private or personal, without him being there, my son cannot spend some time with this grandma alone, is always granny&…
Again, he’s a lovely person, calm, phlegmatic, wants to talk (about anything, and also in situations where you’re busy doing something else or in a hurry), does a lot of diy in the house.
I talked to my sister and she feels the same way- every time my mum calls (every day), she’s on the speakerphone, he overhears the conversation and intervenes.
We both agree that this level of attachment is a bit weird.
Now, there’s an activity I’d like to take my son to for the next bank holiday. My mum overheard while I was telling this to my sister, and she’s pushing to come too. Well, obviously not alone.
How do I tell her, without offending her, that I want to go alone with my son? I feel like telling her anything about her partner will not end up well, they’re basically in a phase where they’re love bombing each other!
I hope I don’t come out of this as a horrible person - I love my mum and I’m happy she’s with a person she loves, it’s just that this is her partner, not mine, so I feel I shouldn’t be forced to deal with him every time my mum is involved!
Thank you so much!

I’d be concerned that he is looking for a MN term ‘nurse with a purse’ considering he’s retired and moved into your mums home after 4 months. I think you need to call your mum and say you need to speak with her privately - if probed further as he can hear say it is something to do with yourself say a white lie and say health related or something and you want a private conversation, ask your sister to be there and I think you both need an honest conversation with your mum- you never know your mum could have these thoughts too but is second guessing herself especially as it doesn’t sound like he gives her a moment- can be seen as controlling.

Just book the event for you and your son. If your mum queries it, tell her you wanted to spend time with your son. Next time you arrange to meet her, tell her you want to spend time just with her. "Yes mum, George is really nice and I'm happy for you, but I want to see just you this time. He doesn't have to come to everything."
If she won't, then she risks losing a relationship with her daughter and grandchild

My Mum married someone very similar and 35 years later I still rarely speak to her on our own. It’s eroded our relationship, it just feels very surface now. I can’t offer suggestions on how you say it, or I’d have done it myself, but I really recommend you say something now.

Invite your mum and sister to a women only weekend away / make it sound full of beauty treatments etc. Check with her about her will and that her finances aren’t joint with her partner. Also find out how she’s supporting him financially.

Whether he listens on the phone or not, speak to your mum (on speakerphone if necessary) and just tell her you need to see her on her own and it’s important. Arrange for just her to meet you. You may upset the boyfriend but hey ho !

He sounds controlling.

If you meet your mum on your own just make it a nice experience for her and say you’d like to do it again. Hopefully she’ll agree and realise she’s missing out on quality time with you alone.

Has she done a Claire's law.
Have you done your own research into who he is. Has he family? Where is his own house? What job did he do?

I think he is controlling

He sounds a bit dodgy...
Imo.

I think you need to get your feelings out in the open.
As long as you're talking about you, how you feel, then any rational person shouldn't take this as an attack. It's perfectly reasonable to say to your mum that while you're happy she's found someone, that doesn't mean you want to spend every moment with her new boyfriend also. And there are certainly times when he's free to come along, but it shouldn't be assumed that when you make plans to see your mum, he's welcome to come as well. It should be asked or at least mentioned ahead of time.
Maybe this will change over time as their relationship deepens and you get a connection of your own with him, but now it's just being forced on you.

Now, if they're practically living together then you should probably assume that he'll be there when you go over to your mums house. But any other place, no.

Good point.

It's nice that your mum has found someone. And he seems OK. And they seem like loved up teenagers.
But I get that you want to spend 1:1 time with your mum. You should say this. That you're happy for her but that you also value your 1:1 time. You understand things have changed and you can see it's a positive thing. But occasionally you want her on her own. It's a change for you too. You can admit you're surprised by how the change is taking you time to adjust to. But you're happy for her.
You like the guy but you don't want to share all your life with him just yet so cut the speakerphone.
But pick your battles. Bank hol outing - meh. Intimate cup of coffee tete a tete - worth asking for 1:1 time.

Thank you so much guys for your replies.
You know what? Funnily enough, my impression is that my mum might be the controlling one 🤣
He seems legit, they split everything money-wise, holidays, dining out, even groceries!
He genuinely seems a good man, used to work at airports, has a nice house in the countryside around this big city a few hours from us.
I have witnessed her bossing him around, telling him to do stuff around the house, and I suspect (actually I think I’m certain) she’s the one asking him to stay and to do everything together.

I'd echo the suggestion already made about doing something like a spa day or just something that he can't reasonably tag along to. And I'd actually just be straight with your mum and say please can we hang out together sometimes just us as there's somethings that you only want to talk about with your mum. You can easily say it nicely without being rude about her partner.

Imagine if your sister moved her boyf into the family home, yet another stranger lounging around.

I guess it's your mother's house, she can do what she wants.

Just say no guys allowed!

I would have absolutely hated this if that been a situation with my Mum. I’m sorry your Mum isn’t a bit more onto it, thereby saving you feeling the way you currently are. I’m sad she isn’t feeling she’d like time just for the two of you or with her grandson, or with her other daughter.

You don’t come across as a horrible person at all, just one who is missing how things used to be, and wanting to have your Mum to yourself a little more often, I’d be feeling the same. After some thought, I feel the way forward is to come out and simply say to your Mum you’d like a quiet word whether her chap is in hearing distance or not, and say what you’ve basically told us. Good luck, I hope your Mum realises and makes it easy for you.

Can you go get your nails done together? Surely he couldn’t tag along to that.

I think given your update all you can do is have the ‘I love you mum and I’m happy that you are happy but can we have some 1:1 time together on an occasional basis?’ chat with her.

You need check he's not controlling her.

If she is the controlling one, does he not have any family near his home that he'd like to spend time with?

With this level of enmeshment between them (and you having the feeling that she is the instigator, or at least very comfortable to be so enmeshed) I would be very wary of discussing anything of a personal nature with her that you would not want him to know regardless, because if she actually find it is a good thing to let him join phone calls between you, she has no boundaries and is bound to tell him anything.

My mom was like that with her boyfriends/fiances/ husbands.

There's not much you can do. I made a lot of friends and spent as little time with her as possible. I left home as soon as possible and never confided in her. I get this is recent and you miss your former closeness. You can tell her that but realize that anything you tell her she will probably tell the bf.

With the activity, tell her no. If it offends her, tell her this is mother child time only. She can have a tagalong for everything she does but you aren't her.

Can I just ask how old you and your sister are? I really understand where you are coming from about this man appearing and not leaving, but I also have to say if you and your sibling are both adults (you have a child of your own) why do you refer to your mother’s house as a “family apartment”? It is not your house, it is your mother’s house, right?

I agree with previous poster . It not your or your sister's house , it's your mother's. And if she wants him around all the time , that's her right . Do you or your sister do DIY for her , keep her company every evening? But it is also OK to ask for some of her time to spend with just you or your sister . You don't have to say anything negative about him to ask her for this .

it doesn’t have to be so fraught. . Ask straightforwardly if your mum will meet you for coffee one day because you have some personal stuff to talk about. The personal thing being that you miss seeing her alone sometimes and can she make that happen? You could maybe arrange a meeting once a month and the rest of the time see her and her partner together.

What was your relationship with her like previously OP? How long had she been single? What was her and your dad's relationship like?