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Original poster

Erectile Dusfunction

26 replies

YourRubyShaker · 22/04/2025 22:31

Hi, I’ve been seeing my partner since January. He told me before we were intimate that he sometimes uses viagra. I haven’t experienced this before, but asked lots of questions and it didn’t worry or concern me. Moving forward a few weeks. We’ve stayed together and tried intimacy on a couple of occasions. With the help of Viagra he can eventually get hard, but isn’t able to maintain it for more than a couple of minutes. It’s quite frustrating for both of us. But I’m not sure he’s completely honest because the last time he said he just lost stamina, rather than the erection. I’m fairly sure it was the erection. Of course I’ve been reassuring and supportive as much as possible. But he also only likes one position and is very reluctant to try others, even though he’s told me a lot he wants me to orgasm and I’ve gently told him what I like. He doesn’t seem to want to try it. It seems to be my partner waking me in the night to have sex, just for a minute or two, and then him losing it and then trying again an hour later.

its great he’s not tried to hide the Viagra, and the problem he has, but I’m not sure if it’s all just that. Part of me is thinking maybe he just doesn’t think he can satisfy me, so this is as good as it will get.

Any advice would be appreciated!

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 22/04/2025 22:41

He sounds awful in bed. It revolves around him and his needs and he doesn't try to satisfy you. It's not going to get better so I'd let him go.

Felixmyicecreamillbashim · 22/04/2025 23:41

What help has he sought for this?
Has he seen his GP?
If the answer is that he hasn't, run. This will only get worse, life is too short for crap/no sex.

Atetherainbow · 23/04/2025 00:38

I’ve been with a man older than me who told me “I took a little viagra” and downplayed it into a little non issue, which suited me. Then when it didn’t work, and he couldn’t get it up, I felt the need to minimize the awkwardness and insist it’ll figure itself out. In hindsight, I think he was addicted to porn and had lost the ability to get lost in real human sex. I think he made me feel bad about myself without me realizing, because I so wanted HIM not to feel bad (classic female carrying emotional labor, right?) I know there could be different reasons for ED but sharing from my experience— keep your eyes open for signs that porn addiction, or other similar things are causing it.

Sashya · 23/04/2025 01:07

This is not going to get better.

He clearly has ED and to add to it - he does not seem to be doing much to compensate for it. After all - him losing his erection does not mean you have to be left disappointed. Does he not have fingers and/or mouth?
If sex is important to you - you have no choice but to leave.

Zanatdy · 23/04/2025 06:08

Sashya · 23/04/2025 01:07

This is not going to get better.

He clearly has ED and to add to it - he does not seem to be doing much to compensate for it. After all - him losing his erection does not mean you have to be left disappointed. Does he not have fingers and/or mouth?
If sex is important to you - you have no choice but to leave.

Exactly. Does he make other efforts to help you climax? I’d be pretty fed up getting woken for sex, that then doesn’t happen. Fair enough if he makes other efforts for you to climax given he woke you and got you in the mood. Somehow I don’t think he does. Relationships aren’t all about sex, and maybe in a long term relationship / marriage with DC i’d stick around but not in a new relationship.

Original poster
YourRubyShaker · 23/04/2025 22:06

Yeah, he does try with his tongue, but gives up quickly and is very lack lustre. But this is actually something I’ve noticed in other areas of his life. Hasn’t seen the dr to my knowledge, but I will ask him next time we try for sex. As for being woken in the night, I’d rather not have my sleep interrupted for a quick poke. It’s sad if this doesn’t get better but I do want to give it a chance!

OP posts:
BlondeMummyto1 · 24/04/2025 00:07

How old is he?

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 24/04/2025 00:49

Age and medical conditions may play a part and any medication that he may be taking.

Original poster
YourRubyShaker · 24/04/2025 04:03

BlondeMummyto1 · 24/04/2025 00:07

How old is he?

45

OP posts:
BlondeMummyto1 · 24/04/2025 09:57

YourRubyShaker · 24/04/2025 04:03

45

Show quote history

Far too young for this to be as big of an issue as it is. I expected you to day 65!

I would have to end it.

Comedycook · 24/04/2025 09:59

You've only been with him for a few months....I wouldn't be investing any more time into this relationship

Whyx · 24/04/2025 10:04

How is his physical fitness?

ED can be a sign of poor blood flow in the rest of the body. Google ED and cardiovascular disease. I heard a statistic (unsure how true) that ED starts within 7 years of a heart attack. ED has become a bit normalised but it is a serious sign of underlying issues. Tell him about this if he is unaware and encourage him to see a GP. Whether you stay with him or not.

As pp it can also be connected to porn addiction and "death grip". He should be trying other methods to satisfy you though if he really cares.

JaninaDuszejko · 24/04/2025 10:05

If he hasn't seen adoctor and just bought the Viagra online then either he's not allowing time for the Viagra to work (takes 30-60 minutes after taking to maintain an erection) or he is not actually suffering from the type of ED that can be helped by Viagra. I'd end the relationship and tell him to speak to his GP about the ED and his inability to maintain an erection with Viagra. Other ED medications are available and may be more suitable for him.

Whyx · 24/04/2025 10:05

Oh and just to add. If I was getting woken up multiple times a night for unsatisfactory sex I'd be outta there before the sun was up!

Original poster
YourRubyShaker · 24/04/2025 11:14

Whyx · 24/04/2025 10:04

How is his physical fitness?

ED can be a sign of poor blood flow in the rest of the body. Google ED and cardiovascular disease. I heard a statistic (unsure how true) that ED starts within 7 years of a heart attack. ED has become a bit normalised but it is a serious sign of underlying issues. Tell him about this if he is unaware and encourage him to see a GP. Whether you stay with him or not.

As pp it can also be connected to porn addiction and "death grip". He should be trying other methods to satisfy you though if he really cares.

he has a desk job. He goes to to the gym once a week. That’s all I’m aware of as far as his physical activity. I have thought this may affect him. He doesn’t go out for walks regularly, plays no sport.

OP posts:
Original poster
YourRubyShaker · 24/04/2025 11:17

JaninaDuszejko · 24/04/2025 10:05

If he hasn't seen adoctor and just bought the Viagra online then either he's not allowing time for the Viagra to work (takes 30-60 minutes after taking to maintain an erection) or he is not actually suffering from the type of ED that can be helped by Viagra. I'd end the relationship and tell him to speak to his GP about the ED and his inability to maintain an erection with Viagra. Other ED medications are available and may be more suitable for him.

He’s bought it online. I will mention he should see the dr as it could be caused by something underlying. My understanding is that he’s used Viagra for a number of years. He’s said to me it’s really easy to get now as you don’t need to see a dr.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 24/04/2025 11:19

Being woken in the night for ‘a quick poke’? Jesus, I’d dump him just for that…

Girlmom35 · 24/04/2025 11:55

Purplecatshopaholic · 24/04/2025 11:19

Being woken in the night for ‘a quick poke’? Jesus, I’d dump him just for that…

Agree!
The rest is already quite problematic. His views on sex are appaling. It's like you don't even exist to him as a human being. You're just a hole to poke into whenever he sees fit, and then he can roll over and give up when he gets frustrated. And you have to be sleep-deprived, for that? Hell no!

Elffyba · 24/04/2025 12:13

My advice is unless you have very low libido and he is perfect in everything else then break up. You could spare his feelings with something like I realised I still have feelings for my ex and I need to be alone to focus on healing.

Weenurse · 24/04/2025 12:17

There are vacuum pump devices or injections that can be used for ED but he needs to see his GP about the cause

OchreRaven · 24/04/2025 13:20

Clearly the viagra isn’t working if he can’t maintain his erection. Time to go to the doctor (if it’s medical) and if it’s a porn addiction he will need intensive therapy.

What’s his relationship history? Clearly this has been a problem for him in other relationships and he should be wanting to fix it not stick his head in the sand.

Original poster
YourRubyShaker · 24/04/2025 15:05

OchreRaven · 24/04/2025 13:20

Clearly the viagra isn’t working if he can’t maintain his erection. Time to go to the doctor (if it’s medical) and if it’s a porn addiction he will need intensive therapy.

What’s his relationship history? Clearly this has been a problem for him in other relationships and he should be wanting to fix it not stick his head in the sand.

I don’t think it’s a porn addiction. But I could be wrong I guess! i don’t think he’s had many long term relationships. One that I’m aware of which was a couple of years. Never lived with a girlfriend.

OP posts:
Definitelynotme2022 · 24/04/2025 15:22

I also thought that you were going to say he's much older!! But more from his attitude to sex. I'd also be wondering why he's never lived with a girlfriend. He sounds like he's very inexperienced, definitely a red flag.

My oh uses viagra, but we've discussed it and he's spoken to his gp. And it works for him, but even so he more than makes up for it other ways and we have a great sex life.

OchreRaven · 24/04/2025 18:21

YourRubyShaker · 24/04/2025 15:05

I don’t think it’s a porn addiction. But I could be wrong I guess! i don’t think he’s had many long term relationships. One that I’m aware of which was a couple of years. Never lived with a girlfriend.

Show quote history

If he’s 45 and not had many long term relationships then I imagine he would have used porn a lot over the years.

Honestly this is probably the root of the problem. He is too young for natural ED and he has stated it’s an ongoing and not recent problem. Why do you not think this is likely? Unless you are with him all the time or he is very open about his porn use I would imagine that he is watching more and more extreme content and now struggles in real life intimacy because it doesn’t meet what he is used to.

Unfortunately if he is not honest and open about his issues and does not think it needs treating then it’s a lost cause.

hehehesorry · 24/04/2025 18:33

ED that isn't cured by viagra is normally psychological, I disagree alot is caused by porn as that tends to be guys who can't finish, not guys who can't maintain an erection. Not being able to maintain an erection after you wake up indicates anxiety as he can get aroused when there isn't attention on it. If it's a new relationship I would leave him, it will ebb away at your self esteem.