Five years and he has never had an orgasm

[Fiveyearsandcounting]

I have NC for this.

Can I please have your insights into this aspect of my relationship? Am I wrong for even questioning it?

We are both in our 30s and have been together for 5 years. During our entire relationship my partner has never had an orgasm when we have sex, oral doesn’t work, him trying to finish himself off doesn’t work. He is the one who initiates the most but he stops sex half way through. We went through a stage when he couldn’t get an erection at all.

I know he watches porn (I don’t know what sort - I did ask but he didn’t answer) and he doesn’t seem to have any problems then. I have a good body and take care of myself so I don’t think it’s because I am unattractive. He calls me beautiful and gorgeous but what else could it be?

When I have tried to discuss it he would tell me he’s always been like that and shuts the conversation down but I’m at the point in life where I would like to have a baby and I just don’t know if this is the man to do it with. You need sperm to conceive and I don’t think I can face a life time of unsatisfying sex. I used to have an orgasm before he stopped but recently he has been putting an end to sex before it gets to that point.

I have opened up to a close friend but they didn't really know what to think. I have read about men only being able to finish when watching porn but really? Never being able to with me at all? What do you think?

i think this is a common problem. Porn numbs men and they cannot find regular sex/women as satisfying anymore but it’s also a catch 22 where he probably watches so much porn and masturbates that he doesn’t need sex anymore. Only you can decide if you want to live with that.

In my case my stbxh was using porn at a ridiculous rate, became unable to get aroused or maintain arousal in real life then unable when he used porn and then began using more and more extreme content.

I think what should have concerned me sooner was his reluctance to go to the gp about it. I figured it was because he was embarrassed, but actually it was because he knew what was wrong already and obviously didn't want to talk about that.

So I'd be pushing hard for the gp and a ban on porn. 5 years is a long time and he's a young, presumably healthy man with a very supportive partner. I'd guess his porn use is much, much higher than you think and I would be concerned as to what he's using.

If he doesn't address it then you leave. It was easier for me in some ways once I knew what was actually going on and how bad it was. Not knowing left me in limbo and it felt very lonely and ate away at my self esteem. Regularly initiating and then refusing to continue is upsetting and frustrating for you as well because the goal posts are being moved all the time. Obviously noone should be forced or coerced into sex they don't want, but I think there's also something quite harmful about repeatedly initiating with no intention to follow through or meet your needs. There's a real lack of concern for your emotional wellbeing in that.

You've answered the question yourself: porn.
Why you want a relationship with a man who gets his sexual satisfaction watching women being exploited, abused and violated I don't know.
It doesn't matter what type of porn - although some types are sicker than others - the majority of it involves violence against women.

That sounds really tough. You can’t fix this on your own though so he needs to see it as a problem, but clearly doesn’t currently. There are lots of things that could help, predominantly seeing a psychosexual therapist either together or on his own. But if he won’t do this I think you need to leave. Obviously if you want children (and don’t want to be inseminating yourself with his porn-induced sperm) then it’s not going to work but it’s also a sign he’s not interested in solving problems or meeting your needs.

I’d be saying cold turkey on the porn or that’s it.

I’m amazed you’ve stuck around for 5 years!

@Fiveyearsandcounting the sex and porn is an obvious issue - but the refusal to discuss, communicate and deal with the matter as a partnership or even an adult is just as bad in my eyes.

And quite telling as to how any future issues would be dealt with throughout your relationship.

aside from this can he deal with difficult situations and conversations in other areas of his life without issues? Or does he stick his head in the sand and avoid everything if he can?

Porn possibly started this issue - but he could do something about it.

He could also ensure that his partner had satisfying orgasms through foreplay etc.

Does he understand that this could be a relationship breaker if he won’t communicate with you and get help?

Is he tsking anti depressants

Death grip & porn use, I'd bet.
It could be a psychological issue, the periods of erectile dysfunction part reminds me of an ex with similar issues, and it really did begin with the mind.
It could be any number of issues though, like a history of sexual abuse and/or trauma.

The 'why' is redundant when you don't have a partner who is capable of open communication.
That's the death knell of the relationship, there is no 'working on it'.

That will likely be how they deal with any future relationship problems too, so no I would not bring a child into that.

Hi op didn’t want to read and run. I am a man usually only post on sex thread. I think a lot of posters will focus on the porn use and emotional aspect.

As a curve ball have a look at hot octopus British sex toy brand. They make high quality guybrators . If he can’t come then these should help and if they don’t work then as above the Gp is next from a reproductive aspect. If he is unwilling to do anything then you unfortunately need to consider your options

It’s obviously the porn. Ask him when he started on porn and whether he’s ever had an orgasm with a real woman. Hard to know if men can ever recover / develop a healthy sexuality after porn. There’s not enough information/ support around this issue as there is a huge disinformation/ propaganda campaign around porn being perfectly healthy and normal. Which makes sense when you learn it’s a multi billion dollar industry.

Has he had female partners before you?

Is there a chance its not heterosexual porn that he's watching?

Thank you all for your replies. I really do appreciate them all.

He is very much a head in the sand kind of person and is poor at communicating when there’s a problem. I am more of a talker and a resolver while he is someone who struggles to open up.

He isn’t depressed or taking any medication. He is slightly overweight but has an active job and is working on losing weight at the moment. When he had problems getting an erection he wouldn’t go see his doctor about it.

When we first met he would tell me that he wasn’t used to women wanting him so maybe it is the ‘death grip’ that is the problem.

I have wondered if he is gay but I honestly don’t know. He seems happy the way things are but I don’t think it’s normal.

I'm sorry to say it but I can't see this working. He is getting worse if he's now stopping part way through and not giving you an orgasm anymore. What are his good points? You must have stuck with him for a reason. Does he say he wants children? Won't he talk about any of the sexual stuff?

Yes, I can see that it is getting worse. I have stuck by him because I love him but I won’t pretend that this isn’t making me question my feelings for him as I can feel myself checking out of the relationship when it happens.

He won’t talk about the sex problems but he will be all talk over text message about what he wants to do if we are apart. But I feel like that all it is.. All talk.

He does want children but I can’t see that being a reality with the way things are.

I couldn’t stay in that relationship. He prefers porn to you OP. How have you put up with this for 5 years? He may as well be having an affair.

I had this with an ex. He refused to deal with his type 2 diabetes but a severe case of Boarding School Syndrome I think had a lot to do with it.

Oh dear, this sounds very challenging. 1.You haven't ever had a good time when things were in a state that you'd like to get back to - the whole relationship has been bad to worse. 2. He won't actually talk to you about it. Number 2 is the real killer because he knows this isn't right but won't do any of things he could to change the paradigm, despite the fact that leaves you with a substandard relationship. He may not prefer the porn but feel trapped/addicted to it (many men feel very stuck), but that doesn't mean should have to put up with it. I'd give him a stern talk, a list of requirements that involved him (not you on his behalf) seeking outside help, 1 chance, and a deadline for real improvement in communication.

I wouldn’t waste another second on this man. Aside from anything else, he’s incredibly selfish. You deserve better and life is too short.

OK, I think it's cards on the table time. He will need to agree to see a counsellor himself, and one jointly with you, both of whom are experienced in dealing with sexual problems. I would say if he won't do that then there's no future in it. You can't live with this for good, you've said it yourself.

Yes. Overly stimulated with what he watches.

He needs to go cold turkey with the porn, and after a while I believe this will reset (ie. normalise) his reaction to actual sex.

Also op just to say, having a baby can be really tough on the old sex life. So if you're not starting from a good place with a good connection and decent communication, having a baby would probably make it even more difficult to navigate these issues. If that is something you want in the very near future then I'd be inclined to leave and find someone who will actually work with you as a team who is ready for that now rather than waiting on this guy to become ready which could take a long time. Especially because what you don't want is an initial effort and then a slide back to old habits.

The fact that he won’t talk about it is even worse than the problem itself. The one feeds the other and it’s wasting your best years. How can you even be wondering if this is the guy to father your kids?? He shuts down, won’t communicate and can’t ejaculate. On neither physical nor mental level is he good dad material. The ‘but I love him’ disclaimer is standard but just be clear that this is the decade you need to have kids if you’re serious about having them and this guy is not the one. Better to move on now and raise the bar with the next guy so it’s at least a man who comes. There’s enough of them out there not to put up with this bag of issues that’ll only get worse.

Maybe death grip stemming from all his porn watching?

To be quite honest if he wasn’t open to sorting it I think it would be a dealbreaker for me, I would get too in my head.

It's my guess that he's either gay or has a fetish.