Five years and he has never had an orgasm

[Fiveyearsandcounting]

I have NC for this.

Can I please have your insights into this aspect of my relationship? Am I wrong for even questioning it?

We are both in our 30s and have been together for 5 years. During our entire relationship my partner has never had an orgasm when we have sex, oral doesn’t work, him trying to finish himself off doesn’t work. He is the one who initiates the most but he stops sex half way through. We went through a stage when he couldn’t get an erection at all.

I know he watches porn (I don’t know what sort - I did ask but he didn’t answer) and he doesn’t seem to have any problems then. I have a good body and take care of myself so I don’t think it’s because I am unattractive. He calls me beautiful and gorgeous but what else could it be?

When I have tried to discuss it he would tell me he’s always been like that and shuts the conversation down but I’m at the point in life where I would like to have a baby and I just don’t know if this is the man to do it with. You need sperm to conceive and I don’t think I can face a life time of unsatisfying sex. I used to have an orgasm before he stopped but recently he has been putting an end to sex before it gets to that point.

I have opened up to a close friend but they didn't really know what to think. I have read about men only being able to finish when watching porn but really? Never being able to with me at all? What do you think?

Porn is so unbelievably damaging to relationships now.
This is a whole different ball game to even 20 years ago.

He's either gay, or has a fetish, or it's the excessive porn. Or even all 3!

You're not married fortunately, I'd call time on the relationship and find someone who you're compatible with.

I had a partner who had this problem - admittedly not to the same extent, as he was able to come sometimes, but more frequently not.

It was definitely not a porn problem in his case (it was 26 years ago, he’d never used the internet in his life and definitely wasn’t stashing any magazines or videos anywhere). He was a very heavy drinker and smoker though (I know, what a catch, eh? 🙄) and I think the alcohol was a major factor.

He was also very insecure in a toxic, self-loathing sort of way and had loads and loads of hang-ups which I suspect was also contributing to the problem.

He will never make you happy OP. You'll never feel truly loved and cherished knowing he gets off watching woman perform in porn films but when he is with you he can't even satisfy you. I'd call it a day and look for someone who wants you for yourself and will be able to satisfy you sexually too.

"It’s obviously the porn."

Except op said he couldnt even " finish himself off" which would be unusual for " death grip".

Is he on antidepressants? A high dose can make it impossible to finish...

I would guess when he was trying to finish himself off, he didn't boot up the laptop to watch porn with OP laying there next to him.

Porn (and what they watch becomes more and more extreme) induced ED is a huge problem now. Between that and the volume of alcohol/ drugs some of these men take - there's a lot of blokes out there with dicks that don't work. I know because I kept running into them when I was dating.

The only solution a woman needs to take in these instances is to end the relationship. It doesn't get better. Just end it.

It sounds like death grip syndrome or porn-induced ED.
If it's been going on for five years then it's unlikely to improve. Five years without being able to orgasm during intercourse at all is pretty extreme.

It also sounds like, from what he said, he has no desire to seek treatment or change his behaviour. If it was me I would probably call time on the relationship.

What is death grip?

Where a man becomes desensitised due to masturbation.

When I have tried to discuss it he would tell me he’s always been like that and shuts the conversation down but I’m at the point in life where I would like to have a baby and I just don’t know if this is the man to do it with.

1. A partner who is this poor at communicating is not someone you should be considering a long term relationship with, much less having a baby with. The porn use and inability to function sexually is not the real issue here.

1. What is it about your expectations of relationships that has you even considering this poor specimen as a potential father to your baby/life partner material? Some counselling might help you avoid disaster here.

I recently had a 2year relationship with a man similar. He very rarely orgasmed. He had multiple insecurities and was very inexperienced. If he hadn’t had two adult sons I would have thought he was a complete virgin. His ex-wife was asexual (according to him - I wonder now if that is why he married her.) It is ironic because he is drop-dead gorgeous and a lot of women were jealous of me being either him and trying to get him from me. If only they knew!
I found it very frustrating. He made matters worse by drinking excessively which probably contributed to the problem , but I now wonder if it was deliberate so he had an excuse for the loss of erection/orgasm.
Ironically he finished with me ostensibly because we drank so much together that it wasn’t healthy /I hardly drink myself!!!!!
Interestingly, recently when we were talking (we are on good terms/part of same friendship groups) he mentioned his two sons, now aged about 20and 23 and said proudly (!!!) that they are both virgins and not bothered about having a girlfriend. (I asked how he knows they were virgins/ he said he ‘just knew’).
I hoped that we could work it out if I was patient, but it really sapped my confidence.
In my case I have now tmet a man who absolutely adores me, and our sex life is fantastic but it took me a while to be able to believe that I was desired, so the knock/on effect is damaging.
OP, I am not usually a ‘leave him’, but I think you should as I doubt he will change 😔

It’s called porn induced erectile dysfunction. He needs a specific type of therapy for this. It’s a long process and he has to be willing to do it.
If you want to be a martyr and sacrifice your personal happiness- stick around.

Hello op I counsel sex/porn addicts.
Pied can be rather straight forward to reverse. We would do 90 or 130 days reset and detox. No porn masturbation sex social media TV films real screen detox. The neural pathways need to reset and new ones need to be formed whilst old paths are left to grow over. We often talk about it like a path in a forest. It will always be there but over time it will grow over and not be the preferred path.
Alongside men's groups and other recovery practices. It's actually the entitlement and mentality that's the much longer road to change.

Typically takes 3 to 5 years. But most men that are successful are at rock bottom when they enter recovery. It's recovery or suicide putting it bluntly. Many men will coast through life with this addiction and never enter recovery.

This is something for you partner to do for himself.

For you I'd suggest joining reddit love after porn there is a wealth of resources and support there.
A betrayal trauma therapist is the only therapy you would want to look into right now for yourself.

We don't reccomend couples therapy at this stage as there is a lot of abuse that goes hand in hand with addiction. Your partner is not in a place to participate in a relationship currently.
He would need a apsat/csat if you are in the UK I would reccomend Chris jones.

Podcasts for you
Helping couples heal particularly the omar minwhalla episodes
Pbse podcast
Choose to be

Thank you all. You’ve given me a lot to think about.

I do think it’s a dealbreaker. I’m going to have one more try at talking to him about it and if he can’t have a conversation then I will be ending it as over the last month I’ve felt it chipping away at how I feel.

I searched MN for similar threads and it seems fairly common in men this age and the answer is usually always the death grip and porn.

I assumed he can only finish in private.
He hasn’t taken any antidepressants.

It's porn I'm sorry to say. My ex husband had the same problem. He was only in his 30s and he couldn't get it up or finish unless porn was on in the background which did nothing for me.

I’m sorry to hear others have experienced it too. I don’t think it really dawned on me until recently how much it had started to bother me. Something switched in me the last time it happened.

As some have mentioned these things - He doesn’t take drugs, has never smoked and only has a rare social drink.

You’re in your 30s and want DC, so don’t have even more time to waste on your current boyfriend’s porn / sexism problem, poor communication and whatever else is going on with him. If he wanted to address it he would have by now. Many wouldn’t have dated him anywhere near this long. It’s probable that you can do MUCH better!

Unless he has some health issue, it has to be the porn then.

My DP also used to take an unusually long time to finish (at least in my experience idk) and I was surprised because it just felt way too long for his age. He’s done an overall detox for various reasons, porn included (he was super “into” porn but he watched daily if we weren’t together) and I’ve noticed the difference.

I was in a relationship where this was an issue. I started getting so anxious about sex - I hated it. It also wore away at my self esteem.
Never again

@Fiveyearsandcounting

Hi op , your post popped up and I wonder how it's going ?
Did you resolve it by having your chat or end it as you thought you might have to ?
Either way , I hope your getting on ok .

But presumably he’s not watching porn when with the OP trying to finish himself off…. I doubt he never finishes when he watches porn.

Excellent post. This.

I had a short relationship with a man who couldn’t come during sex- I had to keep finishing him off.
and that’s why I said “short relationship”.

his was down to porn use. He made no secret that he “wanked every single day”
and he showed me the porn he was into and it was a bit weird (Chinese women giving men a HJ and continuing even after they came)

weird bloke. I believe he’s still single