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Original poster

Do I stay or do I leave?

40 replies

Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 17:42

Just that really, my fiance and I are struggling at the moment but mainly with our sex life.
Bit of a back story, been together for 6 years and we have two children 3 and 1. In the beginning for the first I'd say 2 years we was having sex every day pretty much apart from the odd day not doing it (illness, tired etc).
Since I'd say when our first was around 2 (hard to know exactly) but sex just hasn't been enough for me.
I loved having it everyday, I felt wanted, I felt close etc, he just said his sex drive isn't the same as it was (he's 26 for context). He said he'd be happy with every other day (leaving it 2 days at a time) which we did both agreed on but it never happens like that. We have spoken lots about it and are both very open with eachother about sex but I just feel like its all talk and no action if you know what I mean.
He has said he wants to make it more 'kinky' which I'd say personally we have been 'kinky'. Most of the time granted we do the same sort of routine when we have sex but every time we have finished he's happy and said it was really good.
I guess one of the things that frustrates me a bit is the actual penis in vagina sex only lasts around 3-5 mins, is that usual? Once he has finished aswell there's no going for round 2 or anything like that, like he said he likes to leave it 2 days or so which ends up me getting sexually frustrated so then he doesn't end up wanting it as I'm annoyed and so it means we end up leaving it around a week. If we end up leaving it for a week he's all over me which is what I love but I know he's only all over me because he's very horny, I guess I just wish he was like it more, I love it when he's all over me, it makes me feel good and feel wanted.
I guess I just wish there was only 1 day gap between sessions and I have explained this to him but it just doesn't feel like it's going anywhere. I really do love him though, we have two beautiful girls together and we generally get along extremely well, it's just the sex part I'm not happy with.
He doesn't get himself off at all apart from the odd once every few months, he says he likes saving himself for me so porn isn't a problem. He knows my boundaries on porn anyways, I just don't like it and it makes me feel insecure.
I guess another fault would be in the past I have caught him having this tiktok on his phone which he had saved of this girl getting ready to go down a swimming pool slide in a cheeky bikini and her bum was essentially fully on show, he denied at first but quickly told me he did save it as he liked it. There has been one other occasion when it was tiktok and he tried searching up this girls Instagram but it didn't load which is how i found it as I just went on his phone (can't remember why now) and it loaded of course. The swimming one was when I was pregnant with our 2nd and the other one was when our 1st was around 1.
These sound really petty writing them down but they did effect my confidence as he knew how I felt about things like that.
I guess what I'm trying to find out is if its fixable, is there a way we can sort our sex life out and be happy? I'm not too worried if he's offing himself in private as he works from 3pm and is home usually by 9, unless he's offing himself at work which is highly doubtful.
We both do want this to work, he said he wouldn't know what to do with himself without me and wants to try. But I have tried, got him to come for a shower with me and made him finish, dressed up for him before etc. Only now it sort of feels like he really wants to fix things after I have tried communicating/putting in effort for so long, I feel like giving up but at the same time I don't want too. I don't know how to get out of this rut?
Another thing to add is he does prefer morning sex but that's pretty much impossible with our 1 and 3 year old. He also struggles on how to essentially start it so it leaves us both sometimes just on our phones when we go to bed which we are trying to change aswell.
Is it a thing of someone basically having a preference on morning/night sex? And if they do have a preference then if it's left long enough eventually they will just have evening sex because they want it so bad?
Sorry if that's confusing but just generally curious.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated, understand i haven't worded it best, just gone on a bit and I also get that I'm asking strangers on the Internet but this is really a last resort for me

OP posts:
Soundsfamiliardoesntit · 21/04/2025 17:51

If he is searching for young women on tiktok for sexual stimulation how can you be sure he isn't also watching porn? If he knows your boundaries on porn.he is very possibly watching it secretly.
Certainly some of the things you describe fit in with the behaviour of someone affected by porn use.

Maitri108 · 21/04/2025 17:52

Why can't you masturbate if you're feeling horny? You need to stop pestering your husband for sex. He's told you a few times that he's comfortable with every other day.

PIV lasting a few minutes depends if you're satisfied or not otherwise it could be premature ejaculation.

It sounds like you're spying on his phone use. You need to knock that off.

Original poster
Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 18:01

Soundsfamiliardoesntit · 21/04/2025 17:51

If he is searching for young women on tiktok for sexual stimulation how can you be sure he isn't also watching porn? If he knows your boundaries on porn.he is very possibly watching it secretly.
Certainly some of the things you describe fit in with the behaviour of someone affected by porn use.

I could never be 100% sure I guess. Not sure how I should go about bringing this up and essentially he could just lie? I don't think he would but can never know for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 18:03

Maitri108 · 21/04/2025 17:52

Why can't you masturbate if you're feeling horny? You need to stop pestering your husband for sex. He's told you a few times that he's comfortable with every other day.

PIV lasting a few minutes depends if you're satisfied or not otherwise it could be premature ejaculation.

It sounds like you're spying on his phone use. You need to knock that off.

Are my feelings not important though? Other threads I have read said about compatibility and that's essentially what I'm asking, if we are compatable and if we can make it work.

Lasting depends on satisfied? Could you explain?

OP posts:
Darkambergingerlily · 21/04/2025 18:04

Get a good vibrator.

Youre having way more sex than the average couple. i think pushing it for it every day would make any man or woman want to take a step back

Soundsfamiliardoesntit · 21/04/2025 18:10

Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 18:01

I could never be 100% sure I guess. Not sure how I should go about bringing this up and essentially he could just lie? I don't think he would but can never know for sure.

Show quote history

Well of course he can lie but if you usually have good communication with him and the conversation was along the lines of " well you'd rather know if he's using porn than not know" I.e non confrontationally with a view to improving your relationship then hopefully he would be honest.

Lemonadenotlemons · 21/04/2025 18:11

Wow - you want it every day?? I have read posts here with men asking for it everyday and women calling them ‘sex pests’. I am not saying you are, but your DH has said every other day is better for him. Everyone has their own sexual drive, and for him he naturally wants it every week if not asked, for you it is every day, so every other day seems like a good compromise.

2 or 3 minutes is on the short side, which might explain why you are still craving more. It might be best if you both concentrate on your pleasure first and then he can finish, and you would both be satisfied.

Personally, if you and your partner’s sexual drives are not the same I don’t see anything wrong with masturbation on your part.

Maitri108 · 21/04/2025 18:11

Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 18:03

Are my feelings not important though? Other threads I have read said about compatibility and that's essentially what I'm asking, if we are compatable and if we can make it work.

Lasting depends on satisfied? Could you explain?

Show quote history

Your feelings aren't more important than your husband's and you can't pressure someone into sex they don't want.

Satisfied means orgasm. Does he bring you to orgasm and satisfy you?

Original poster
Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 18:16

Lemonadenotlemons · 21/04/2025 18:11

Wow - you want it every day?? I have read posts here with men asking for it everyday and women calling them ‘sex pests’. I am not saying you are, but your DH has said every other day is better for him. Everyone has their own sexual drive, and for him he naturally wants it every week if not asked, for you it is every day, so every other day seems like a good compromise.

2 or 3 minutes is on the short side, which might explain why you are still craving more. It might be best if you both concentrate on your pleasure first and then he can finish, and you would both be satisfied.

Personally, if you and your partner’s sexual drives are not the same I don’t see anything wrong with masturbation on your part.

Edited

I think your right, maybe because that part doesn't last very long i crave it more, I didn't think of it like that. I think whats frustrating is he'll say every other day but it ends up being a week which is annoying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 18:17

Maitri108 · 21/04/2025 18:11

Your feelings aren't more important than your husband's and you can't pressure someone into sex they don't want.

Satisfied means orgasm. Does he bring you to orgasm and satisfy you?

Show quote history

I don't want to pressure him, I guess it's frustrating when he says every other day but it doesn't end up being every other day.

Yes he's very giving.
Someone replied saying maybe I crave it more as the actual act (not foreplay) doesn't last long.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 18:19

Soundsfamiliardoesntit · 21/04/2025 18:10

Well of course he can lie but if you usually have good communication with him and the conversation was along the lines of " well you'd rather know if he's using porn than not know" I.e non confrontationally with a view to improving your relationship then hopefully he would be honest.

Show quote history

I'll bring the conversation up. As someone else said, I think i crave it more as the actual act (not foreplay) doesn't last very long, few minutes or so. He wants to work on lasting longer but has been saying that for awhile.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 18:19

Darkambergingerlily · 21/04/2025 18:04

Get a good vibrator.

Youre having way more sex than the average couple. i think pushing it for it every day would make any man or woman want to take a step back

Edited

I think my issue is that he says every other day but that usually doesn't happen and when we do have sex the actual act (not foreplay) doesn't last very long so I crave it more.

OP posts:
Darkambergingerlily · 21/04/2025 18:21

Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 18:19

I think my issue is that he says every other day but that usually doesn't happen and when we do have sex the actual act (not foreplay) doesn't last very long so I crave it more.

Show quote history

Why don’t you aim for once a week and then you won’t be disappointed?

Maitri108 · 21/04/2025 18:22

Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 18:17

I don't want to pressure him, I guess it's frustrating when he says every other day but it doesn't end up being every other day.

Yes he's very giving.
Someone replied saying maybe I crave it more as the actual act (not foreplay) doesn't last long.

Show quote history

It seems as though you do try to pressure him as you say you get annoyed when he doesn't want sex. No one owes you sex and you need to learn to compromise.

Original poster
Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 18:23

Maitri108 · 21/04/2025 18:22

It seems as though you do try to pressure him as you say you get annoyed when he doesn't want sex. No one owes you sex and you need to learn to compromise.

Show quote history

I do try and compromise and like I have said we do communicate. We'll agree on every 2 days or so but then it doesn't happen, that's what's frustrating.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 21/04/2025 18:25

Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 18:23

I do try and compromise and like I have said we do communicate. We'll agree on every 2 days or so but then it doesn't happen, that's what's frustrating.

Show quote history

You can't expect people to work on your schedule. If someone was expecting me to have sex every two days I'd tell them to fuck off.

Original poster
Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 18:27

Maitri108 · 21/04/2025 18:25

You can't expect people to work on your schedule. If someone was expecting me to have sex every two days I'd tell them to fuck off.

Show quote history

I dont know if you are understanding my post, he said he'd like do it every 2 days or so and I agreed.

OP posts:
WakingUpToReality · 21/04/2025 18:29

OP you do sound a bit obsessed with sex. Do you have other ways to bond with him? You can’t pressure him for more sex, that will put him off which is probably why it’s sometimes down to once a week. Saying that, is he making the time and effort to actually make you come when he has sex with you or are s he just looking after himself and quickly getting it over with?

Original poster
Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 18:32

WakingUpToReality · 21/04/2025 18:29

OP you do sound a bit obsessed with sex. Do you have other ways to bond with him? You can’t pressure him for more sex, that will put him off which is probably why it’s sometimes down to once a week. Saying that, is he making the time and effort to actually make you come when he has sex with you or are s he just looking after himself and quickly getting it over with?

I can see how I could be coming across that way.
I do orgasm and he offers alot of oral, can't complain in that department.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 21/04/2025 18:36

Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 18:27

I dont know if you are understanding my post, he said he'd like do it every 2 days or so and I agreed.

Show quote history

It's you that doesn't understand OP. He's allowed to change his mind for any reason he likes and you just have to suck it up.

I can't believe you want to split up your family because your husband doesn't perform on command. You sound like a bully.

Spirallingdownwards · 21/04/2025 18:39

Even every 2 days is way more than average - you do realise that don't you?

category12 · 21/04/2025 18:40

It should be "ladies first" so you orgasm before he does, one way or another. Make that a bedroom 'rule' so you're not frustrated.

It's fairly normal for couples to be doing it less after a couple of years and kids.

To avoid pressuring him, I think you might need to wank more and instead try other ways of creating that feeling of closeness and intimacy, maybe like massages or bathing together, (but just to enjoy that, not to lead to sex).

I don't think leaving him in hopes of a new partner having more of a libido will necessarily be a good move in the long run. The early stages of being at it like rabbits tends to wear off so you could just end up in the same situation.

Original poster
Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 18:41

Spirallingdownwards · 21/04/2025 18:39

Even every 2 days is way more than average - you do realise that don't you?

No, I guess I'm not completely clued up on the averages of people's sex lives

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 18:42

category12 · 21/04/2025 18:40

It should be "ladies first" so you orgasm before he does, one way or another. Make that a bedroom 'rule' so you're not frustrated.

It's fairly normal for couples to be doing it less after a couple of years and kids.

To avoid pressuring him, I think you might need to wank more and instead try other ways of creating that feeling of closeness and intimacy, maybe like massages or bathing together, (but just to enjoy that, not to lead to sex).

I don't think leaving him in hopes of a new partner having more of a libido will necessarily be a good move in the long run. The early stages of being at it like rabbits tends to wear off so you could just end up in the same situation.

Thank you, appreciate your advice. I generally think I have worded my post wrong as he wants to fix things aswell and wants to have regular sex, I think we are both just not doing it for some reason and we don't know why?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum8476200 · 21/04/2025 18:43

I think my post has come across wrong and even my fiance has read it and thinks it's come across in the wrong way. We both want to have regular sex like before but just don't know why we aren't.

OP posts: