Do I stay or do I leave?

[Mum8476200]

Just that really, my fiance and I are struggling at the moment but mainly with our sex life.
Bit of a back story, been together for 6 years and we have two children 3 and 1. In the beginning for the first I'd say 2 years we was having sex every day pretty much apart from the odd day not doing it (illness, tired etc).
Since I'd say when our first was around 2 (hard to know exactly) but sex just hasn't been enough for me.
I loved having it everyday, I felt wanted, I felt close etc, he just said his sex drive isn't the same as it was (he's 26 for context). He said he'd be happy with every other day (leaving it 2 days at a time) which we did both agreed on but it never happens like that. We have spoken lots about it and are both very open with eachother about sex but I just feel like its all talk and no action if you know what I mean.
He has said he wants to make it more 'kinky' which I'd say personally we have been 'kinky'. Most of the time granted we do the same sort of routine when we have sex but every time we have finished he's happy and said it was really good.
I guess one of the things that frustrates me a bit is the actual penis in vagina sex only lasts around 3-5 mins, is that usual? Once he has finished aswell there's no going for round 2 or anything like that, like he said he likes to leave it 2 days or so which ends up me getting sexually frustrated so then he doesn't end up wanting it as I'm annoyed and so it means we end up leaving it around a week. If we end up leaving it for a week he's all over me which is what I love but I know he's only all over me because he's very horny, I guess I just wish he was like it more, I love it when he's all over me, it makes me feel good and feel wanted.
I guess I just wish there was only 1 day gap between sessions and I have explained this to him but it just doesn't feel like it's going anywhere. I really do love him though, we have two beautiful girls together and we generally get along extremely well, it's just the sex part I'm not happy with.
He doesn't get himself off at all apart from the odd once every few months, he says he likes saving himself for me so porn isn't a problem. He knows my boundaries on porn anyways, I just don't like it and it makes me feel insecure.
I guess another fault would be in the past I have caught him having this tiktok on his phone which he had saved of this girl getting ready to go down a swimming pool slide in a cheeky bikini and her bum was essentially fully on show, he denied at first but quickly told me he did save it as he liked it. There has been one other occasion when it was tiktok and he tried searching up this girls Instagram but it didn't load which is how i found it as I just went on his phone (can't remember why now) and it loaded of course. The swimming one was when I was pregnant with our 2nd and the other one was when our 1st was around 1.
These sound really petty writing them down but they did effect my confidence as he knew how I felt about things like that.
I guess what I'm trying to find out is if its fixable, is there a way we can sort our sex life out and be happy? I'm not too worried if he's offing himself in private as he works from 3pm and is home usually by 9, unless he's offing himself at work which is highly doubtful.
We both do want this to work, he said he wouldn't know what to do with himself without me and wants to try. But I have tried, got him to come for a shower with me and made him finish, dressed up for him before etc. Only now it sort of feels like he really wants to fix things after I have tried communicating/putting in effort for so long, I feel like giving up but at the same time I don't want too. I don't know how to get out of this rut?
Another thing to add is he does prefer morning sex but that's pretty much impossible with our 1 and 3 year old. He also struggles on how to essentially start it so it leaves us both sometimes just on our phones when we go to bed which we are trying to change aswell.
Is it a thing of someone basically having a preference on morning/night sex? And if they do have a preference then if it's left long enough eventually they will just have evening sex because they want it so bad?
Sorry if that's confusing but just generally curious.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated, understand i haven't worded it best, just gone on a bit and I also get that I'm asking strangers on the Internet but this is really a last resort for me

If this was a bloke posting you would be getting slaughtered by now OP. Sounds like your worth is tied up in being desired. Quality over quantity. The first flush id shagging doesn't last past the first couple of years unless you live apart ime

https://yougov.co.uk/society/articles/27850-how-much-sex-are-britons-having

Average is 1.1 times per week of those who have sex

Feel as if I am being slaughtered, my fiance and I both agreed to make a post to see about advice on going forward and what to do.

What would leaving achieve? If you were single you’d be very unlikely to be having sex every day. If you were getting no sex at all I could understand your position, but you would put your two very young children through breaking up their home, likely being financially worse off and potentially only seeing them 50% of the time in order to have significantly less sex than you’re having now?

And holding out hope you’ll find someone with a sex drive that matches yours, while being a single mum and will be no walk in the park.

Have you told him you’re thinking of leaving? Because that would certainly explain why you feel he’s being dishonest with you about how much sex he really does want. It sounds like it’s all about your needs and not his. It’s close to coercion if you’re telling him you’re thinking of leaving if you don’t have more sex. Poor bloke is probably knackered with two young kids. I think you need to take the pressure off him and things might then improve.

Back off completely and let him initiate. Don't put any pressure on him at all and let him come to you.

Put more effort into re-establishing intimacy in your relationship. Kissing, hand holding, hugging, talking. See how that goes.

I'm like you in that I like to have sex pretty much daily when I'm in a relationship and living with someone, or every time we see each other if we don't live together.

The difference being that I wouldn't get into/stay in a relationship with someone without the sex drive and skills 😂 It's not something I'm willing to compromise on, and of course I wouldn't want someone to have sex when they didn't want to. I'm late 40s now, and that's worked well for me all my adult life - every relationship, from FWB situations to long term, have been very satisfying!

I think you should leave him before you drive the man insane.
Its comes across as me me me sex sex sex i i i want want want i must be desired its not all about you op sorry to sound blunt.
If it was a man posting it would be LTB hes sex pest.
2 kids under five plus working plus everything else to be done every other day or every 2 days to have sex is fine.

I wouldn't want to do that to my girls at all of course.

If the roles were reversed, you'd be labelled a 'sex pest'

Someone harassing me for sex would turn me right off

If you're that horny, rub one out and stop nagging him

Im like you in everyday its a stress relief and connection for me l, my husband mostly is but sometimes he works long long hours and at these times it drops down and I struggle You're possibly killing it off more with time frames ect. I also see you saying it makes you feel desired and wanted what's other none sexual intimicay like ? Kissing, cuddling ect ?

Perhaps you are putting too much pressure on the actual penetration bit of sex. Try to rekindle some intimacy - intimacy isn't just about sex, it's about closeness. First thing to do is get rid of phones in the bedroom! My DH has set us up a little charging shelf outside the bedroom where we put phones on as we get into bed in the evening. Start talking more too - that brings intimacy. Try go on some dates or if you can't get childcare then have dates at home - not with any presumption about it resulting in full blown sex. Could you give each other massages? Also I wouldn't be so sure re: the porn thing.

PS I genuinely don't know how people find time for sex every night!! Don't either of you have a life outside of sex - hobbies, family time, reading, exercise etc... there are so many things to be done after work, where does sex fit in every day?This seems like a mad amount of pressure and ultimately a burden. You can masturbate if you feel the need.

The fact he wants it more 'kinky' and barely lasts says to me he's fallen down a porn hole tbh.

I agree with others that every other day isn't the issue, and I'd imagine if he was actually satisfying you every other day then it wouldn't be such an issue for you.

I also agree that your expectations seem to be pestering - but two things can be true at the same time. Maybe he's using porn and masturbation as a release because he's tired.

That's probably because you have a 1 and 3 year old child. Most new parents have way less sex than they did before kids. Time, tiredness, hormones, can all play a part. And yes, it's quite common for men to prefer morning sex, as that's the time of day when testosterone levels are highest.

Nothing turns me off more than being pestered for sex. I think you should give yourself a couple months or more where you resolve to not bring the subject up and not pressure him. he can initiate and you can masturbate when he doesn’t.

I also think if he’s asked for kink and looking at swimming videos he probably does look at porn. If not porn he could easily wank to the swimming bum.

I can’t believe I’m saying this because it’s against my values but have you gained weight? Have you got birth injuries or differences in how it now feels for him? I think it’s incredibly shallow to say a woman should maintain a pre pregnancy body for a man but if you want sex like you are a youthful early 20’s in the first throws of a relationship it’s probably important you maintain the physique you had that sparked that in him?

another thing to try after a period of time not pressing for sex is set an alarm for a couple hours before your girls wake and have sex then. You do seem to be dictating a lot around how you have sex, kink I can understand not wanting to do but if sex is so important to you then get to sleep earlier and have sex when you know he will be into it

It doesn't seem like he has time for self pleasure.
I wouldn't be interested in sex everyday, it is like a drug for you.
I don't think it can be fixed, if your sex drive are so different and the situation is making you feel rejected.