Cheating and leaving

[Mummamartell]

Hiya everyone,

im sorry for the long post but i need some advice.

I am a mummy of 3 little girls and I’ve just found out that im 6 weeks pregnant.

so 2.5 years ago, whilst at work I was told that my partner is cheating on me with our dispatcher. I confronted him and he told me they began talking it got flirty but he has since blocked her as he felt guilty.
so fast forward 1.5 years, I found his old phone that he hasn’t used in almost two years this lit up in our kitchen drawer. I thought this was strange as he doesn’t use it. I went through it and found around 10 girls he was messaging telling them he was going to sleep with them etc making plans and sending each other photos and videos.

I was heart broken.

I asked him about these and he admitted to cheating on me but it was only via photographs and
messages etc. nothing physical.
i asked if there was anything else that I should know and he told me that he had an affair with our dispatcher for an additional 9 months after I was told initially. They were sleeping together having unprotected sex.

I am devastated. This all happed back in 2023. So it had been almost two years but it has been two years of lies.

the question is would you leave if you were me?

I have no friends or family to stay with and I really mean that.
I have no money.
the house is my partners home, his mum purchased it for him. (Lucky man)

I am no longer a police officer and am now a stay at home mum, I was due to start my dream job June 2nd, this was supposed to be January but the date keeps getting pushed back. the money is amazing. However since now being pregnant I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

what do I do?!!

im so lost

im so heart broken.

i decided to ask him the details of their sex and it broke me even more. I keep replaying everything over and over.
I thought this would be better than me picturing different scenarios but it just made it all more real. When I look at him I just want to cry.
it’s been exactly a year since I found out but I feel worse now than i ever did. I don’t sleep, I cry all the time, I have lost 2.5 stone and I’m very underweight and petite.

I found out about this all in 2024, when I was pregnant with our last child. I decided to make it work for the sake of our family. We were being safe and I got the coil 4 months ago. The coil has since failed and I’m now 6 weeks pregnant.
I can’t go through with an abortion, I know this is selfish but I cannot bring myself to do it.
I keep convincing myself that it’s a sign we should stay together but… wtf right

please could someone, anyone give me advice?

thank you all x

I don’t think you will ever truly forget and forgive the way he has treated you. That doesn’t mean you have to leave him right now. You are pregnant and want this baby. But he will do it again.

It sounds as though you aren’t married? I would be expecting that commitment and my name on the house if he expected me to stay (minimum). Once that is in place you are in a better position financially. If he’s not willing to give you that then you know he expects to leave / cheat on you again. If that’s the case you need to leave for your mental health.

Sorry only to add. Only get married if he earns more! If your new job puts you in a better position financially then just ask to be added to the house. It’s the least he owes you.

Leave. I do think a termination would be fairer on your existing children too. I’m so sorry this has happened to you op.

I know it's hard but I wouldn't have another baby with this man, I would get into FT employment at the earliest possibility, leave and rebuild a better life.

If you have more kids and stay, it will be more innocents exposed for longer to unhappiness and a dysfunctional family and impacted themselves for life.

If you are not married, the longer you stay and have kids and stay unemployed, the more you put yourself at risk of financial ruin.

He will never not cheat on you, you know it.

“Purplecatshopaholic · Today 16:26

Leave. I do think a termination would be fairer on your existing children too. I’m so sorry this has happened to you op.”

This. It’s clear you want to use this pregnancy as an excuse to stay with your partner - you say as much. This situation is totally his fault but it just seems pretty irresponsible to bring another child into a family where the father repeatedly cheats on the mother and is a dirty sleaze. You need to be planning your life without him before he destroys you completely.

Leave. This is no way to live.

You keep the dream job. You leave. He needs to sort out 60:50 childcare which will give you more time for your job as I bet he doesn't do anywhere near that amount of childcare now if he's had time for all these affairs. You build a new life where you provide for yourself and make sure he does his fair share with the kids.

You don't need to have a termination OP and frankly it won't change much so why put yourself through it? You already have 3 of his children so really having a fourth won't be a great deal different.

That being said, you need to leave. He won't ever change. He's making you ill and you have children to care for. Are you married?

Yep, agree with most other posters. Don't have another baby. Leave the scumbag and rebuild your life. Your DH is a serial cheat and will never change. You're setting yourself and your kids up for a rollercoaster life of misery if you stay and bringing another baby into this horrible mix is not going to help anyone.

I keep convincing myself that it’s a sign we should stay together but… wtf right

Your husband repeatedly cheating and lying about it is your sign to split up. No matter what he says or does now, you won’t ever trust him again. It’s a terrible way to live and a crap example for your children of what a healthy relationship should look like.

It is awful and hurts, but the only way past this is to go through it and come out the other side. You will feel strong and happy again, but it will take time to heal.

You don’t have to do anything immediately. You feel lost and hurt but you will get to the anger stage, which will help you move forward.

@Mummamartell, what would you advise your 3 daughters if they end up with serial cheats (1) who lie when confronted because they want to keep having unprotected sex with their girlfriends (2) who feel entitled to jeopardize their and their unborn babies’ health and (3) who also have multiple women on the go via sleazy videos and photos?

He is a shit partner and a shit dad, and he will never change. I hope and pray that you will make an exit plan, @Mummamartell. If you stay, you will never again have peace of mind and your children will be absorbing a toxic relationship model.

Please may I add,

my first two children are with my ex-husband. We ended and eventually I thought I found the love of my life… 😔

the cheating happened at the start of our relationship. But happened for 9 months.

hurts because that was the time when I thought we were falling in love, we were going on lots of holiday and at the time he had just met my children.

nothing had happened since, I know this.

he has removed all social media’s and I have access to his phone. He’s not secretive in anyway. But….

i am no longer a police officer…. HE IS. the girl he was sleeping with is still his dispatcher whom he has to speak to on the radio every single shift. So it’s constant anxiety for me.

I thought he was my perfect man and this honest came out of no where.

I thought it was strange when he got rid of his social media’s 9 months into our relationship but he just said it was too distracting.

we’re engaged and due to get married may 2026.

my two eldest girls love him, they love the garden that he’s built for them… he’s built them big climbing frames and play houses and a swimming pool.

it’s clear that he loves us and loves this family and reassures me that we’re going to be ok and he’s never going to cheat again especially now HIS (our) daughter is here.

but still in my mind all I think about is him and that dispatcher together.

I could’ve gotten over the online stuff but the physical sleeping together is devastating.
he could’ve put my body at risk and humiliated me.
I would go to work and get ordered to go to jobs by her the dispatcher and all that time she was sleeping with my partner. She knew about me the whole time and I can only imagine how many other people would know and giggle behind my back.

in regards to the house, he will not put me on the mortgage as his mum purchased the home for him. If it was a Regular mortgage and we were both paying towards it then he would but I’m not paying anything and neither is he.

baby wise. I know in my head that it’s selfish to bring this baby in the world but day to day it’s filled with so much love. We don’t argue because I don’t have it in me and I don’t want any of the girls to see. But it’s just me, I just feel betrayed.
I know I cannot go through with an abortion.
my second daughter was supposed to be aborted as me and my ex-husband were going through a rough patch and didn’t want this however I had a break down at the appointment and couldn’t take the pill. Fast forward 5 years and she’s incredible. I thank my lucky stars every day that she exists because she has a heart of gold and lightens up every room she enters.

I’ve been to therapy and nothing has worked.i can’t get the images of him and her out of my head

thank you all again who has commented. I’m grateful for all of your advise ❤️

I know my circumstance makes me seem so tragic so I’m sorry x

We’re not married, due to get married may next year x

Thank you so much for your response. What if he hasn’t cheated since.

he’s been so so good, loving a secure but I personally cannot get over it.
im not sure if it’s harder because I found out after so long and had to find out on my own.

I just feel broken and I feel as thought it’s my fault as I should get over it.

I haven’t told many friends but the ones I have have all told me near enough to stay and just let my ego take the hit etc

His phone lit up after not being used for two years?

If you stay with this man you will never have peace of mind again. It’s no way for anyone to live. He will do it again. You deserve better.

This. If he hasn’t cheated since, why did he recharge the phone? It seems pretty reckless to leave it in a drawer to be found, with all that evidence on it.

I know you want to believe him, but he has proved that he is not to be trusted. You need to do what is best for your children, regardless of your feelings for him. They deserve better, and so do you.

OP ask yourself this, if one of your daughters came to you with the same issue, what would you advise her?

Would you tell her to stay?

Show up for yourself. This man is not anyones dream man, look at what he feels entitled to do to you, while you thought you two were in love, he was looking for sex from anyone, ANYONE. That says a lot about this man.

I would run in all honesty.

He has zero respect for you. He will tell you things he knows works on you to keep you so he gets his comforts met. He will tell you what he knows you need to hear in order to keep his comforts going, its got zero to do with love.

Yeah, in his defence he needed online banking and it send the otp to his old number.
the phone was wiped. Didn’t have any numbers, social or anything other than online banking but… that screenshot folder where I found everything.
makes me wonder what else was missing and why he was screenshotting ??!

I should’ve said @Anonym00se h he changed his mobile phone number when he got rid of his socials but needed to send money through online banking which requested a OTP. The phone was completely wiped other than a “screenshot folder” this is where I found all of the photographs of the other girls. Sell as screenshots of WhatsApp history’s with the girls names pictures snippets of conversations.
a message to the dispatcher girl saying “I’m now on my way x”

nudes from a girl called “SARAH ❤️”

there was just so so much. I did initially take photos from my phone however I got rid of these within an hour of taking them. I wish I had them as they all hate the exact dates girls numbers etc. but silly me decided to protect my mental health an remove them all x

I know, I would absolutely tell her to leave. @Anyonefoundmysparesock

I always said that I would never stand for cheating and would leave straight away but here I am 😔
never thought this was my life. Before I found out I thought my life was so picturesque but it was all a lie

Find all papers dealing with money and copy, bank, mortgage, wages before and after, pensions, savings then make an appointment with a friendly solicitor, this will enable to work out where you stand in the future for your DC as well as yourself.
It is your decision whether to stay or not but a leopard will not change its spots.

What happened after 9 months that made him stop this behaviour, change numbers and remove all social media?

Your situation could be viewed as he wasn’t as into the relationship in the beginning as you were (obviously) and that hurts. Also shows that he has the capacity to lie and compartmentalise. This ability is stronger in men (and especially police officers!).

I would want to understand what changed and come to a decision as to whether I could accept that his behaviour for the last few years has shown genuine growth and love. The fact he changed on his own and not because you found out is a positive thing. However it doesn’t matter what anyone says, if it’s hurting you that is totally understandable and you don’t deserve to live like this. He messed up and you shouldn’t have to pay for it.

@OchreRaven

In all honestly, I think it was the sex. From what I know it took them 9 months to finally start having sex and all of a sudden it ended after that. He then got a new phone and number. Removed all socials etc….

I asked him about the sex assuming it was bad and that’s why he decided to stop and his response was I didn’t enjoy it. “ I didn’t want to be there “

but told me that he came in her very quickly and she made him happy when I apparently didn’t….

he then said that he realised how in love he was with me and wanted me and only me. The reason he didn’t tell me was because he didn’t want to lose me but that makes me feel like I’ve been robbed.

@OchreRaven
also thank you for your response.

I think it’s great that he’s changed. He’s done so well and he’s so so loving now. There a clear difference in how he has been and he’s matured a lot.

he makes me feel secure and loved but my problem is… I always felt that way with him. It’s clear that he’s either an amazing liar or I’m so naive because I never ever saw the signs.

there was some messages and photos in particular from when myself and him were in Paris for Valentine’s Day weekend. We put a love locket on a bridge and whilst he would go to the bathroom in the hotel he’d send this pictures to these girls telling them he was going to sleep with them etc. then come out and make love with me.

it’s just made me feel so worthless