Cheating and leaving

[Mummamartell]

Hiya everyone,

im sorry for the long post but i need some advice.

I am a mummy of 3 little girls and I’ve just found out that im 6 weeks pregnant.

so 2.5 years ago, whilst at work I was told that my partner is cheating on me with our dispatcher. I confronted him and he told me they began talking it got flirty but he has since blocked her as he felt guilty.
so fast forward 1.5 years, I found his old phone that he hasn’t used in almost two years this lit up in our kitchen drawer. I thought this was strange as he doesn’t use it. I went through it and found around 10 girls he was messaging telling them he was going to sleep with them etc making plans and sending each other photos and videos.

I was heart broken.

I asked him about these and he admitted to cheating on me but it was only via photographs and
messages etc. nothing physical.
i asked if there was anything else that I should know and he told me that he had an affair with our dispatcher for an additional 9 months after I was told initially. They were sleeping together having unprotected sex.

I am devastated. This all happed back in 2023. So it had been almost two years but it has been two years of lies.

the question is would you leave if you were me?

I have no friends or family to stay with and I really mean that.
I have no money.
the house is my partners home, his mum purchased it for him. (Lucky man)

I am no longer a police officer and am now a stay at home mum, I was due to start my dream job June 2nd, this was supposed to be January but the date keeps getting pushed back. the money is amazing. However since now being pregnant I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

what do I do?!!

im so lost

im so heart broken.

i decided to ask him the details of their sex and it broke me even more. I keep replaying everything over and over.
I thought this would be better than me picturing different scenarios but it just made it all more real. When I look at him I just want to cry.
it’s been exactly a year since I found out but I feel worse now than i ever did. I don’t sleep, I cry all the time, I have lost 2.5 stone and I’m very underweight and petite.

I found out about this all in 2024, when I was pregnant with our last child. I decided to make it work for the sake of our family. We were being safe and I got the coil 4 months ago. The coil has since failed and I’m now 6 weeks pregnant.
I can’t go through with an abortion, I know this is selfish but I cannot bring myself to do it.
I keep convincing myself that it’s a sign we should stay together but… wtf right

please could someone, anyone give me advice?

thank you all x

@Washingupdone

thabk you for this lovely, however due to us not being married I don’t think I have a leg to stand on.

it’s his house and his finances unfortunately. If I leave I have nothing at all.
no home no money nothing x

@BlahBlahBittyBlah
this is all I ever think about. It’s been a year since I found out and I’ve thought about it/ cried about it every day.

I’ve lost so much weight because I’m heartbroken.
I just didn’t expect it.

all I think is, I know he’s amazing and he’s done everything for my since but. Now I know that he has it in him.
I don’t believe once a cheat always a cheat but I do believe that once you have cheated in that relationship the likelihood is that you will continue to cheat in that relationship

OP his behavior is not a reflection on you. Never will be.

He sold you and idea, valentines day and all, as sweet as that must have been, it must have ben equally as shit to find out what sort of behavior he happily displayed towards other women. Not a reflection on your intimacy or you. This is on him entirely.

So leave that thought that somehow you had something to do with this.

He was most likely doing this before he met you, he knows what works on women and uses that. He will tell you anything in order to keep his ego afloat as he knows if you leave it will reflect badly on his caracter, and most often the only reason men like this love bomb their partners into staying.

I am sorry you are here.

Been here myself and its awful. Similar scenario.

You are giving up before you try, if not for yourself at least for the DC.

The way you are talking, you are obvs going to stay op. I think thats a mistake as he will do this again, however it’s obvs your call. Maybe get some counselling on your own to become stronger in yourself? You can’t trust this man, and that will eat away at you if you are not careful. I’m sorry this happened to you.

Did he say you weren’t making him happy or is that how you have interpreted his behaviour?

I agree with a pp that is likely this is how he was operating when you started dating. Stringing multiple people along, having sex and then ghosting them. He may have charmed you but if he wasn’t charming then he wouldn’t have had these women interested in him.

I think the scenario that you have been told does seem to fit with a shift in perspective from him. He liked the chase but once he actually had sex with her he realised he didn’t enjoy it because of what he was risking with you. It’s called post nut clarity. His behaviour was very immature and unattractive. However if this truly made him realise what he wanted and he took the steps to change by removing himself from any contact with past partners, and is transparent with his devices I would say it is worth giving him the benefit of the doubt for the sake of your children.

However therapy is a must. This is seriously affecting your mental and physical health. I would suggest couples and individual therapy.

I have a friend whose police Officer husband cheated on her with a colleague. I was shocked as he seemed to dote on her and she is a beautiful person inside and out. My friend forgave him after a lot of couples therapy as he took complete responsibility for his actions. I actually feel sorry for him now as he was her dream man but now when she looks at him it’s not the same. He has to live with knowing he will always be a lesser man in her eyes.

Does your partner know how deeply you are still struggling with this?

Last year a Mumsnetter posted a topic headed Professions you would never date after working with them.

It ran to 28 pages, and literally every other answer was police officer..........