I’m devastated that she loves me

[AnonymousLlama]

I made an amazing new friend through work a few years ago. We had that instant ‘wow you really get me’ spark - started talking loads, started a business venture outside of our usual jobs. We both work in finance and had great plans - we’d started talking to investors for a new business idea and it was all looking really positive and exciting. We spent a lot of time together at work. (But we never spent time together unless it was working on something.)

It was always for me (M) completely platonic. But I felt I’d made a new best friend. Almost like a sibling. We are both married.

She (F) started distancing herself from me and I was confused and a bit hurt but managed to be okay by saying to myself “her loss, she’s just busy, maybe a bit shallow”. I was a bit sad but I was fine. I’d see her every now and again and it was like normal and there was still the feeling that we’d restart the business when we had more time.

She’s just told me that she is in love with me. That’s why she had to cut me out of her life. It’s absolutely the right thing to do - both for her husband and for my wife. She has no intention of breaking up her marriage, they have two children and for me, well, it was always platonic and it is still platonic. No sexual attraction at all. It never even occurred to me. I’m very happily married to my wife, and I love our family (we have a son).

But for some reason I now feel devastated. I almost feel like I’m grieving. Maybe because I know now we can never be friends again? And I feel so sad for her that she’s in all that pain - and I can’t make it any better. Because it’s me that’s caused it, however unintentionally. WHY am I so sad?? Nothing has changed, practically speaking.

Please help me rationalise this - and also get over this. Give me some tough love.

Yeah, get over it. Move on. She has.

It can feel like a betrayal when you think you've got a strong platonic friendship with a member of the opposite sex, and then they say they have passionate romantic feelings.

It could feel as if the whole friendship wasn't genuine and it was only because they fancy you.
It's probably a bad idea to keep being friends unless you make the boundaries very clear. Even then it's not appropriate really as it's not fair on either of your partners.

As a woman I've had male friendships when it's recovered from the fact they fancy me and it's not reciprocated. But they're very few and far between and I don't have them now.

You are absolutely allowed to grieve the loss of an important friendship and partnership. It sounds like this came completely out of leftfield for you. Please give yourself some time to process. Your friend has had a whole other narrative going on throughout the relationship and you are left to process a ton of new information.

It’s not an everyday thing to make amazing new friends like that and strong friendships are precious. It’s totally natural for you to grieve a friendship you cherished. You’ll be fine though, it’ll just take a bit of time.

I’d feel the same way, maybe though it’s a signal that you do need to make some stronger friendships elsewhere. I know men can be rubbish at that statistically. Could you put some energy into that? Finding new friendships or growing the ones you have?

This is really sad OP. Very rare to make a new friend you really click with in adulthood, and your shared business venture sounded exciting. It's a big loss for you so be kind to yourself; you're bound to feel sad. It's a disenfranchised loss too as you can't really talk about your sadness about this to your own wife I'd imagine.

I wonder how your wife felt about this amazing new friendship of yours. And I wonder how she feels to see you 'devastated' and 'grieving' the loss of this woman in your life.

🙄🙄🙄

I understand why you feel so sad. My DH is a woman's man. He doesn't have many good male friends, he doesn't really 'click' with men that much (neurodivergent and childhood trauma centred on men mostly) so all his good friends are women. Recently one old friend has stopped seeing him because her husband is jealous (although their friendship is totally platonic) which hurt him a lot and he had to put the brakes on a bit with another friend who was using him as a distraction from her bad marriage (platonic from his side)
I think male female friendships can be tricky and need to be handled carefully. I don't think you did anything wrong but it's ok to mourn a lost friendship.

That sounds really painful, you've lost a good friend. You'll need time to grieve that loss.

I talked about the friendship a lot with her - she knew we were getting on great, she knew when the business plans were going well - and I also talked to my wife a lot when she (former friend) felt like she was distancing herself (before I knew the reason.) We have always been completely open - she also has good male friends.

But as another poster said, it’s true that now I know the specific reason, I don’t feel like I can tell her, and that (plus how sad I am) feels like a betrayal of her, on top of the initial sadness.

Thankyou to the posters who have validated me feeling like this. I know I’ll be fine eventually - it’s just blindsided me.

Probably focusing on making other friendships stronger is a good plan - and maybe networking to try and find some other business connections.

You should tell your wife. It’s a betrayal not to. You have been honest about all the other aspects of the relationship including you feeling that she (your friend) is pulling away. Not to tell her the reason now you know would be a lie by omission. The only reason to lie is because you hope to continue the friendship and know your wife would be uncomfortable if you did. But you risk ruining the trust you have keeping it from her. She will likely be upset by the truth but she will respect and trust you for telling her. If you don’t you could risk your relationship.

Disagree. This is OP’s call imo. It’s not a betrayal to not tell her. It’s not strictly necessary, and OP hasn’t done anything wrong.

Although do get the point that if they struck up a friendship again in future and OP didn’t tell his wife then, that would be a betrayal.

Of course it’s OP’s decision but if you put yourself in his wife’s position and you find out that his former friend was in love with him, he knew and didn’t tell you, you would feel that this secret between them was a betrayal. Not necessarily enough to end a marriage if nothing had happened but it could damage trust. Is it worth it? What does he gain by keeping it a secret other than protecting her from the initial upset his wife may feel (and she may not be upset at all). The respect and loyalty she would feel from him for being truthful would likely outweigh any negative feelings. I suspect OP doesn’t want to tell her because in his mind there is still a scenario where he keeps the friendship. Unfortunately this isn’t the case if he wants his marriage too.

The only thing you can do for her is to keep away from her permanently. I don’t think you should tell your wife. You did nothing wrong, and you would be betraying someone else’s confidence unnecessarily.

Men and women can't be friends...

Nonsense

It isn’t a betrayal in the slightest.

Oh piss off

I would feel the same. She’s probably hurting the same as you, just for different reasons.

It can’t work as a friendship now and so it’s very final so that would make it very painful.

I had what I thought were a couple of strong friendships with males when I was younger, but when both of them married their wives I was dropped by both of them because their wives didn’t like our friendship. That took me a while to get over, so I understand to an extent how you feel.

You're in pain because it sounds like you loved her too, just as a friend. It always hurts when we lose someone we love, and it's totally normal and healthy to grieve that loss.

Sometimes these things pass, so if you feel comfortable you could let her know that while you don't have romantic feelings for her, you miss her friendship and will be around if/when she feels comfortable again then just give her some time and space.

I think that cultivating deep friendships with females as a married man is dangerous. It is the basis of many affairs.

I think that you might have subconsciously started to develop some feelings, which is why it has affected you so much. It would have affected you less if you cared less.

I have been described as a ladies' man, but I started to realize the importance of setting boundaries to protect my most valuable asset: my marriage. I realized the importance of male friendships and started to seek them out after marriage. Honestly, it can be hard to find good male friends, but even if you only manage to get one or two, I think it's worth it.

@AnonymousLlama, I am sorry for your great sadness. This Friend has been a gratifying presence in your life for several years.

In my view:
(1) Resuming the friendship would be a betrayal of your trusting Wife. Also, reconnecting with F would fuel her feelings, so continued distancing is necessary.

(2) You must tell your Wife. Keeping this intimate secret from her would be a corrosive betrayal. She deserves full transparency regarding this close relationship which you have been investing in with her blessing. Marginalizing her now by hiding this newly discovered truth would be wrong on several levels. She must come first, and does not deserve to be lied to by omission or kept in the dark.

@AnonymousLlama, what triggered Friend’s confession? She had distanced herself, so what changed? Did she divulge her feelings in the hope that you would reciprocate? Or did you initiate the conversation?

I suggest that you consider accessing IC to help you examine and navigate your grief over this loss. Your connection with F sounds quite intense, as it featured a great investment of emotional energy and engendered mutual validation and reliance. Her boundaries blurred so she pulled back. If you are now heartbroken, is it possible that you too have romantic feelings that developed via your shared adventure?