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Original poster

Sexless marriage vs. exes

27 replies

AvidGeek · 21/04/2025 09:19

I’m married since 15 years and we have a 13yo daughter. We love each other. Mostly, I’m very happy with my life.

But there is a problem: my wife’s need for sex has virtually vanished. She says that it’s because of our daughter who has special needs and requires a lot of attention and energy. And I believe her, I’m quite sure she loves me just as much as I love her.

But I really miss the sex, it’s now been 6 years since last time.

A few months ago, one of my exes started messaging and it developed into sexting. She now wants to meet and ”see what happens”.

I don’t know what to do.
I still love my wife and don’t want to leave her.
But the prospect of getting sexual attention from someone is very appealing.
My ex is also married and is in a similar situation.

A part of me feels that meeting her for some physical activity could increase my wellbeing and make it easier to live without sex with my wife.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
HeyItsPickleRick · 21/04/2025 09:28

You should give your wife the choice - you leave or you get it elsewhere. 6 sexless years is not a marriage. But cheating isn’t the answer either.

Gymbunny2025 · 21/04/2025 09:34

Does your wife get any time off?

chakrakkhan · 21/04/2025 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AlertCat · 21/04/2025 09:37

Have you ever discussed your (lack of) sex life with your wife? If you have and she won’t try anything then I agree with the first poster- tell her that it’s got to this point for you.

However if, for example, she is exhausted and is carrying more than her share of parenting then it may be that you need to look at that first. What steps have you taken already to address the issue?

MemorableTrenchcoat · 21/04/2025 09:39

This reply has been deleted

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Sex is a natural, healthy component of marriage. Not enjoying enforced celibacy does not make this man disgusting.

ConfusedMamasWorld · 21/04/2025 09:43

MemorableTrenchcoat · 21/04/2025 09:39

Sex is a natural, healthy component of marriage. Not enjoying enforced celibacy does not make this man disgusting.

Edited
Show quote history

No your right, but sexting ex's and contemplating cheating/an affair behind his wife's back rather than communicating a solution or leaving is what makes him disgusting...

Userengage · 21/04/2025 09:45

Basically asking for the green light to fuck around. Please talk to your (exhausted) wife and try not to make it all about you. Make it about you and her. Sex it’s important in a relationship but an affair is not the answer.

Userengage · 21/04/2025 09:45

And stop the sexting, you’re already cheating.

BillyBoe46 · 21/04/2025 10:03

I wouldn't want a sexless marriage.

I think you need to discuss it with your wife. If she's so exhausted from looking after your child, could you do more to support her? How much are you doing in the household to reduce your wife's workload? How much downtime are you both having?

At the moment, you're playing with fire. Cheating is not the answer. Maybe if you invested the time that you're taking sexting into your relationship, things would improve. Block and delete your ex. Try and improve your marriage. Talk about the impact of no sex on you. Try to improve intimacy without sex. Hold hands. Do kind things for your wife. Do dates even at home. Try marriage counselling. Do more to support your wife.

If you can't be arsed or don't want to work on your marriage then leave. Don't have an affair. Don't line up your next partner. Work on yourself. Work on being a good coparent.

chakrakkhan · 21/04/2025 12:22

MemorableTrenchcoat · 21/04/2025 09:39

Sex is a natural, healthy component of marriage. Not enjoying enforced celibacy does not make this man disgusting.

Edited
Show quote history

Contemplating cheating on his wife and sexting another woman makes him disgusting.

scoobysnaxx · 21/04/2025 12:23

You are already cheating.

being forced into celibacy is not okay and your feelings are valid.

however you need to have the conversation with your wife.

your need for sex does not outweigh the needs of your child and wife.

she will either give consent for you to have a sexual partner outside the marriage or she or you can choose to leave it.

but it must be a choice.

Sexting and having an affair is cheating.

chakrakkhan · 21/04/2025 12:25

Thanks MN for deleting my comment for daring calling out someone wanting to physically cheat on their spouse, while they are already exchanging explicit messages with another married woman.

InspectorDefect · 21/04/2025 13:26

So, an Ex from at least fifteen years ago suddenly messaged you, out of the blue? Nah....

OchreRaven · 21/04/2025 20:35

Agree with pp that sexting an ex and contemplating meeting up behind your wife’s back is cheating. I would end my marriage for that type of behaviour.

If you are so unhappy with your sex life that you are considering ending your relationship that is fair but don’t be a weak man and continue to cheat unless you are prepared to end your marriage and traumatise the person you claim to love.

No doubt when you are caught you will claim it to be a mistake or something that ‘just happened’. But this is untrue and is an active choice you are making that will explode your entire family. If your cheating is ever exposed (even just your current messages) it will ruin the foundations of your relationship and will never be the same even if you remain married. If you divorce it will be expensive, emotionally draining and you will lose the love and commitment of your wife.

Talk to her and tell her that it’s come to the point where you need something more sexually, that you want it to be with her but if that’s not something she wants you will need to find it elsewhere (either an open marriage or separation). Remember that if you choose to open your marriage she will be within her rights to sleep with someone else and you would need to accept that too.

Good luck but do the right thing. You have to look yourself in the mirror.

Maitri108 · 21/04/2025 20:39

Ask your wife what her thoughts are.

"I know you've been busy supporting me, taking care of our daughter and running the home but I'm gagging for it.

I've been cheating with another woman and she wants sex. What do you think?"

IWetMyPlants · 21/04/2025 21:53

This is sad. 6 years of no intimacy must be hard personally as selfish as it is I couldn't stay in a sexless marriage for as long as this. We need that in a relationship for the connection. Have you spoke to your wife about this?

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 21/04/2025 22:02

AvidGeek · 21/04/2025 09:19

I’m married since 15 years and we have a 13yo daughter. We love each other. Mostly, I’m very happy with my life.

But there is a problem: my wife’s need for sex has virtually vanished. She says that it’s because of our daughter who has special needs and requires a lot of attention and energy. And I believe her, I’m quite sure she loves me just as much as I love her.

But I really miss the sex, it’s now been 6 years since last time.

A few months ago, one of my exes started messaging and it developed into sexting. She now wants to meet and ”see what happens”.

I don’t know what to do.
I still love my wife and don’t want to leave her.
But the prospect of getting sexual attention from someone is very appealing.
My ex is also married and is in a similar situation.

A part of me feels that meeting her for some physical activity could increase my wellbeing and make it easier to live without sex with my wife.

What are your thoughts?

It's not ideal but I think go for it.

You can't reasonably leave your daughter, if you discuss it with your wife she'll likely start having reluctant sex which she hates. That will be crap for you and her and is therefore not a solution.

I think this is a case where cheating is the least worst option.

Sorry you're both in this situation.

Gymbunny2025 · 21/04/2025 22:08

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 21/04/2025 22:02

It's not ideal but I think go for it.

You can't reasonably leave your daughter, if you discuss it with your wife she'll likely start having reluctant sex which she hates. That will be crap for you and her and is therefore not a solution.

I think this is a case where cheating is the least worst option.

Sorry you're both in this situation.

Show quote history

I agree about being very difficult to separate in this case.

but I do think the wife should have as much free time as him (and the opportunity to see someone too- I bet once she has free time and head space her libido will return)

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 21/04/2025 22:17

Gymbunny2025 · 21/04/2025 22:08

I agree about being very difficult to separate in this case.

but I do think the wife should have as much free time as him (and the opportunity to see someone too- I bet once she has free time and head space her libido will return)

Show quote history

If she wants that she can ask.

I just don't think he can ask, because doing so will put pressure on her to have sex and he shouldn't be pressuring her to have sex. (And the resultant sex will be miserable for them both anyway.)

Gymbunny2025 · 21/04/2025 22:23

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 21/04/2025 22:17

If she wants that she can ask.

I just don't think he can ask, because doing so will put pressure on her to have sex and he shouldn't be pressuring her to have sex. (And the resultant sex will be miserable for them both anyway.)

Show quote history

But he is not asking!

Pigeonqueen · 21/04/2025 22:25

You are absolutely and completely disgusting for even entering into messaging with an ex. What the fuck were you thinking?! If you’re not happy with your wife or the lack of sex then talk to her and if necessary say you have to leave but if she finds out you’ve been messaging an ex you will have completely lost any respect and trust she has for you.

letshearitfortheboy · 22/04/2025 14:07

We love each other.

🤔 Does she really love you?

Your sexless marriage is obviously causing you pain, or you wouldn't be telling us about it.

Ask yourself:
Is that pain yours alone to deal with? Would a truly loving wife simply leave you to cope with it? She may not put you out of your pain by giving you sex, and nor should she if she doesn't want to. But does she validate, recognise and acknowledge your pain? Does she empathise? Does she show curiosity about its effects on you? Does she check in with you regularly, to find out how it's making you feel? Does she apply any thought to the issue? Does she discuss with you in detail exactly why she can't bring herself to engage in sex with you? If there's anything at all either of you could do to change the situation? Is she solution-focussed? If it's "PIV" sex she can't bring herself to engage in, does she bring any ideas to the table for other things that you could do together that might ease the pain?

These are all reasonable expectations of a loving spouse in my view.

Maitri108 · 22/04/2025 14:11

letshearitfortheboy · 22/04/2025 14:07

We love each other.

🤔 Does she really love you?

Your sexless marriage is obviously causing you pain, or you wouldn't be telling us about it.

Ask yourself:
Is that pain yours alone to deal with? Would a truly loving wife simply leave you to cope with it? She may not put you out of your pain by giving you sex, and nor should she if she doesn't want to. But does she validate, recognise and acknowledge your pain? Does she empathise? Does she show curiosity about its effects on you? Does she check in with you regularly, to find out how it's making you feel? Does she apply any thought to the issue? Does she discuss with you in detail exactly why she can't bring herself to engage in sex with you? If there's anything at all either of you could do to change the situation? Is she solution-focussed? If it's "PIV" sex she can't bring herself to engage in, does she bring any ideas to the table for other things that you could do together that might ease the pain?

These are all reasonable expectations of a loving spouse in my view.

She has a disabled child. She can't spend every waking moment fretting about her husband's every feeling.

Gymbunny2025 · 22/04/2025 14:33

Maitri108 · 22/04/2025 14:11

She has a disabled child. She can't spend every waking moment fretting about her husband's every feeling.

Show quote history

👏 and she’s already told him that not having any time or energy has made her libido plummet. Understandably!

but instead of addressing that with her he is looking to outsource sex with an ex. Presumably while his wife is STILL doing all the caring for their daughter.

im not saying that opening up their relationship is necessarily the wrong decision as 6 years no sex is a long time. I just think it’s incredibly selfish to do it in this one sided way. She deserves the same time off and great sex (if she wishes) too!!

Maitri108 · 22/04/2025 14:39

Gymbunny2025 · 22/04/2025 14:33

👏 and she’s already told him that not having any time or energy has made her libido plummet. Understandably!

but instead of addressing that with her he is looking to outsource sex with an ex. Presumably while his wife is STILL doing all the caring for their daughter.

im not saying that opening up their relationship is necessarily the wrong decision as 6 years no sex is a long time. I just think it’s incredibly selfish to do it in this one sided way. She deserves the same time off and great sex (if she wishes) too!!

Show quote history

I know, it's always the same story.

My wife is exhausted. She runs the home, looks after our children and doesn't have a second to herself. She's not giving out and I'm fed up. I can't be arsed pulling my weight or working on the relationship and am getting fed up with porn. Should I cheat?