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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel so stupid

31 replies

advice · 16/05/2008 21:04

Have posted before about my seperation. Was starting to feel back in control and could see a way forward without my husband.

Last weekend my husband told me he had made a mistake in leaving and wanted to move back in. We had a nice weekend with family BBQ's etc, he told my 3.5 year old he was moving back into the home (he was really excited) and booked a family holiday for the first week in June.

On Wednesday he came round so we could spend the evening together - I cooked a meal with some nice wine and stupidly I slept with him.

Husband woke up in the middle of the night when our 3 year old came into the room and baby started crying (there was a thunderstorm) - Husband lost his temper and said he couldn't sleep and was going back to his flat.

He rang to apologise at 6am then at 9am sent me an e mail saying he had changed his mind about moving back in but still wanted to go on holiday and would stay with us this weekend.

This evening he turned up with no bag and said he had changed his mind - said his heart wasn't in it.

Called him about 20 mins ago to ask if we could talk and he said he was going out with a friend and said as far as he was concerned our marriage was over.

I feel a real idiot and am sitting here in tears. Why did I give him another chance? I was just starting to feel stronger.

OP posts:
cazboldy · 16/05/2008 21:07

what a complete bastard!

you are better off without him!

Original poster
advice · 16/05/2008 21:08

I know - I just feel such a prat

OP posts:
SugaryBits · 16/05/2008 21:08

Oh that is awful. Stop feeling like an idiot- this is not your fault it is his. Your are strong and you will continue to get stronger every day.

VacantlyPretty · 16/05/2008 21:10

Message withdrawn

mylovelymonster · 16/05/2008 21:10

You shouldn't feel stupid. He's the total idiot, and hopefully this will strengthen your resolve and help you move on.
I'm really sorry xxxxxxxx
I wish I was there to hand you tissues and a large brandy x

Original poster
advice · 16/05/2008 21:10

Thanks - I was just feeling so much stronger after two months of hell !

OP posts:
justkeepswimming · 16/05/2008 21:11

bastard.

poor you and dcs

bastard

Youcannotbeserious · 16/05/2008 21:11

Oh, I'm sorry. It does sound like you'd be better off without him.

I hope your 3YO is OK... Is he disappointed that his dad isn't coming home?

Hope yo uare OK.

YouNeverKnow · 16/05/2008 21:12

thats one confused bastard man

Original poster
advice · 16/05/2008 21:13

Thanks. Have not told my 3 year old yet as I thought husband would be here this weekend. Will tell him tomorrow. I feel so awful.

OP posts:
mylovelymonster · 16/05/2008 21:13

It will get better, my love. He's the one losing out. He's the one who will regret leaving his family. You will always have your darling children and love from someone who deserves you in the future x

TheProvincialLady · 16/05/2008 21:16

You are not a prat, He is a total arse. How could someone do that to a 3 year old, let alone his wife? Well if you needed a reason to get him out of your life forever, surely this is it. You can't stick with someone like that.

Original poster
advice · 16/05/2008 21:18

Thanks everyone. He always acts as if I am being totally unreasonable. I think in his eyes I am.

OP posts:
TwoCurlyWurlies · 16/05/2008 21:18

I can't believe he would tell a 3 year old he's coming home when he obviously wasn't sure about it. I mean, some men just don't THINK.

You must be angry as hell.

So sorry for you.

Baffy · 16/05/2008 21:30

"Oh my god - what a cruel bastard." That sums it up perfectly.

I know you must be devastated. But use this to make yourself even stronger. Every time you even think about giving him another chance, remind yourself of this incident.

He lost his temper because the children woke up in the night!

I know it doesn't help to hear people say 'you're better off without him'. You know deep down that you are. But you have a big heart, you love him, you have a family with him, and you did a wonderful thing in giving him that chance.

He has blown it big time. He's hurt you so much. But he's also dragged an innocent child into his games. He doesn't deserve more chances. That was it.

Now is your chance to move on and find real happiness. With or without a man, you have your beautiful dc and you will get through it.

Original poster
advice · 16/05/2008 21:33

Thank you all so much - I have stopped crying and am drinking a glass of wine.

Baffy, you are so right, I did want to give him another chance and next time he makes promises I won't be so stupid.

OP posts:
Baffy · 16/05/2008 21:39

You're not stupid at all.

He's most definitely the stupid one. He'll realise it one day too. But by then it will be too late and you will be so happy without him you won't give him a second thought.

Enjoy that wine

Take care xx

mylovelymonster · 16/05/2008 21:42

You are not stupid. You had faith in him and his word...which sadly didn't mean much x

FAWKEOFF · 16/05/2008 21:54

well you gave him an extra chance...and he couldnt keep it for very long.
He is a selfish prick and doesnt deserve you or your beautiful son.
You have got a better life ahead of you than him. let him rot in his flat without a family he is the one who will be lonely.

chin up...dont waste any more tears on the todge bag, and refocus on your life.

make some plans....what is it that YOU want to do with your life???????

life can only get better from this moment on, just dont let him worm his way back in because he can still be a father to your child if he puts the effort in x x x x

Elasticwoman · 16/05/2008 22:11

Hope you took a morning after pill.

Sounds like a man who wants a wife but not the responsibility of fatherhood. Seriously immature, not facing up to life behaviour.

littlewoman · 16/05/2008 22:30

I'm very sorry for you, advice. That is a horrible thing for you and your son to have to go through. Not once, but twice. I wish you strength to pick yourself up. Don't berate yourself - but if you ever feel like being kind again, don't direct it his way (((hug)))

Original poster
advice · 16/05/2008 22:31

I know you are all right and I know he doesn't want the responsibility of fatherhood and he is very immature. I am feeling a lot stronger - thae first time he left was awful but I feel less hurt this time so hopefully this will continue xxxx

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 17/05/2008 09:31

Having cake, eating it, not accepting that family life means having to SHARE the cake.

I trust you have no intention of going on holiday with him?

Original poster
advice · 17/05/2008 10:52

No - if he can't manage to last one night without walking out I would be worried about being stranded in another country with a 1 and 3 year old!

Perhaps he should go by himself.

OP posts:
mylovelymonster · 17/05/2008 12:44

I think you should go on the holiday with a friend/parent in his place, if one is available. You could probably do with a break. It's the least he can do for messing you about like this. I presume he's paying.

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