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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my partner shit? Or AIBU?

27 replies

Lostinmyself · 20/04/2025 23:07

Me and my DP have been together for ten years, lived together a couple of years. Before I lived with him he was amazing, but that’s changed.

I have recently been diagnosed with a serious heath condition and he’s checked out. He takes me to medical appointments but totally minimises the impact it’s having on me. I’ve been really unwell with the treatment and have passed out a few times in public. The latest episode being Friday.

He’s drinking more and often out at the pub. When he comes home he’s not interested in talking to me or spending time with me, claiming he needs “me time” often staying up drinking until the early hours and being severely hungover the next day.

He has totally gone off sex with me claiming low libido. I understand this happens but I’m getting no care or affection at all. However I have discovered he is looking women up online and viewing porn. So I know the issue is me.

He’s came home tonight from the pub and I thought since I was left alone the full of Easter we could spend the night together. I’ve watched him sleep on the couch for hours then the second we came to bed he’s disappeared for “me time” to drink more and listen to music. I asked if this was something we could do together and I was told “I was crazy” and “he’s not putting up with this anymore”. Take my illness out or the equation, if I was perfectly healthy, I would still want a partner who was present. AIBU?

OP posts:
BitterTits · 20/04/2025 23:10

YANBU, your partner is shit. What does he bring to your life these days?

Original poster
Lostinmyself · 20/04/2025 23:12

BitterTits · 20/04/2025 23:10

YANBU, your partner is shit. What does he bring to your life these days?

Honestly I’m not sure. I support him fully, am
still trying to work through my treatment and do 95% of the house stuff whilst running both our lives.

I feel so unwanted and unappreciated

OP posts:
Itsoneofthose · 20/04/2025 23:15

Sorry to ask such a naive question, and please don’t reply if too personal, but in what way does your health condition tie you to him? He could actually cause you more stress by the sounds of it and make you worse.

Original poster
Lostinmyself · 20/04/2025 23:18

Itsoneofthose · 20/04/2025 23:15

Sorry to ask such a naive question, and please don’t reply if too personal, but in what way does your health condition tie you to him? He could actually cause you more stress by the sounds of it and make you worse.

Stress defo won’t help. I don’t want him to care for me. I would like support and closeness, empathy even

OP posts:
lauraloulou1 · 20/04/2025 23:25

Your partner is shit. You should put you both out of your misery...sorry you are unwell OP. Give him all the me time in the world.

Itsoneofthose · 20/04/2025 23:26

Lostinmyself · 20/04/2025 23:18

Stress defo won’t help. I don’t want him to care for me. I would like support and closeness, empathy even

Show quote history

That is not a lot to ask. The basic foundations of a relationship. He sounds awful.

Original poster
Lostinmyself · 20/04/2025 23:26

lauraloulou1 · 20/04/2025 23:25

Your partner is shit. You should put you both out of your misery...sorry you are unwell OP. Give him all the me time in the world.

It would just be really daunting facing this on my own, and trying to find somewhere else to live etc

OP posts:
JulieBindelRocks · 20/04/2025 23:53

Yes. I am sorry. When a woman has a serious health condition, on the whole, men just up and leave. Fuckers.

Original poster
Lostinmyself · 21/04/2025 00:03

JulieBindelRocks · 20/04/2025 23:53

Yes. I am sorry. When a woman has a serious health condition, on the whole, men just up and leave. Fuckers.

If the shoe was on the other foot I would
support him. No questions asked. I regularly ask how he is and apologise as I know it’s a lot to take on. If it’s affecting me it has to be affecting him. But I get nothing. I just wish he would stop pushing me away

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 21/04/2025 00:50

It’s sadly a statistical fact that more men up and leave a seriously unwell partner. More women stay and support. Men leave.

You would be better off alone than having the added stress of dealing with this. He’s already left you, just not physically. He’s probably hoping if he treats you badly enough you’ll leave and then he can say you left him and he’s not the bad guy who left his partner when she was sick.

Find a flat or move in with a supportive family member or friend if you can. It will be bette than this. You deserve better and it’s a fact that stress exacerbates illness.

Move out and focus on you and your health. This guy has shown you who he really is and it’s ugly.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 21/04/2025 00:52

He's a total waste of space. You would be better off rid of him.

You need to push him away. Permanently.

Original poster
Lostinmyself · 21/04/2025 00:54

Is it that bad to leave him? Surely if he could be more supportive and affectionate we have a chance?

OP posts:
suburberphobe · 21/04/2025 00:55

Move out and focus on you and your health. This guy has shown you who he really is and it’s ugly.

I second this.

So sorry you are going through this OP. Your situation is bad enough without him dragging you down as well.

MoominMai · 21/04/2025 01:13

Lostinmyself · 21/04/2025 00:54

Is it that bad to leave him? Surely if he could be more supportive and affectionate we have a chance?

Have you considered or had counselling since you understandably first want to try and save your marriage?

Original poster
Lostinmyself · 21/04/2025 01:29

We tried counselling years ago and he just wouldn’t engage. He only wanted to speak about how his ex wife wronged him then refused to go back said it was a waste of money as the counsellor didn’t stroke his ego.

he’s just came into the bedroom stinking alcohol to tell me he loves me and that I need to help him with his work tomorrow. Then staggered to the fridge for more alcohol. I have had a rough weekend as it is. I don’t need this

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 21/04/2025 01:35

Look at his actions not his words. And free yourself.

PoppyTries · 21/04/2025 01:51

Lostinmyself · 21/04/2025 01:29

We tried counselling years ago and he just wouldn’t engage. He only wanted to speak about how his ex wife wronged him then refused to go back said it was a waste of money as the counsellor didn’t stroke his ego.

he’s just came into the bedroom stinking alcohol to tell me he loves me and that I need to help him with his work tomorrow. Then staggered to the fridge for more alcohol. I have had a rough weekend as it is. I don’t need this

Oh absolutely not. Help him with his work? How easy would it be to separate your lives and do you think you could safely do this? You have enough to handle, you shouldn’t have to deal with his bad behaviour.

Lavender14 · 21/04/2025 02:00

Op you absolutely do deserve better. If you decide to leave then I would absolutely understand and support your decision to do so.

I will say, tentatively because really there's no excuse for the way he's treating you, it sounds like he has a problem with alcohol and he's using it as a crutch to deal with your health worries instead of facing them and being the person you need and deserve him to be.

I think I would be looking at your wider support network of friends or family and see who can pitch in to support you and actually use them. I'd also tell someone you trust in real life what is actually going on and the way he's acting. I would try to line up somewhere to live and then I'd give him an ultimatum that he needs to stop drinking and step up to support you properly (and I'd be clear as to what that looks like) because you're not in a position to rescue him out of whatever pit he's in while focusing on your own health and resilience. Depending on what you're diagnosis is there are charities that may be able to help you, might be worth speaking to your doctor or nurse about that? I'm sorry he's been such an ass op and I'm sending you strength.

RedHelenB · 21/04/2025 02:16

Lostinmyself · 20/04/2025 23:26

It would just be really daunting facing this on my own, and trying to find somewhere else to live etc

Show quote history

You're getting no support anyway.

Notmyrealname22 · 21/04/2025 02:20

Lostinmyself · 20/04/2025 23:12

Honestly I’m not sure. I support him fully, am
still trying to work through my treatment and do 95% of the house stuff whilst running both our lives.

I feel so unwanted and unappreciated

Show quote history

Did I read this correctly? Does “I support him fully” mean that you financially support him or do you mean something else? You are seriously ill, trying to work and doing all the household stuff, and on top of this he is being horrible to you? I’m sorry OP, you deserve better than this.

in a further post you mentioned that you would need to find somewhere new to live if the relationship was over. Why is it on you to find somewhere else? JFC, what kind of a person would force their seriously ill partner/spouse to find a new place after being horrible to them throughout the illness?

@Lostinmyself, I really hope that you find a way to peacefully manage your health without someone making it worse for you.

Tbrh · 21/04/2025 02:24

Two takes. He might be finding it hard to cope with you being ill and this is his way to deal with it, particularly the drinking. Or he is an asshole and is hoping if she treats you like shit, you'll leave. I think only you will know what your gut says. I'm sorry this is happening Flowers

bevm72yellow · 21/04/2025 04:35

You have been a resource, supporter and help to him. He sees you as all of that. Now you are unwell he is reluctant in every way to meet the needs that you have because it is " all about him and how he has suffered " . He is wallowing in self pity. Don't give him an audience, look after yourself. Slowly at your pace get ready to leave to be nearer family who care.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 21/04/2025 04:57

It sounds like he’s either just a crap partner (which I would lean towards if the counselling was pre your diagnosis) or he’s not coping with your health diagnosis. Either way though the outcome is that at a time when you need him the most he’s behaving selfishly, denying you support and causing you additional stress. I therefore can’t see the benefit of staying with him. Have you got family and friends you could potentially stay with, at least temporarily, to allow you some time out to gain space and perspective about your relationship?

Gettingbysomehow · 21/04/2025 05:01

Lostinmyself · 20/04/2025 23:12

Honestly I’m not sure. I support him fully, am
still trying to work through my treatment and do 95% of the house stuff whilst running both our lives.

I feel so unwanted and unappreciated

Show quote history

Why are you doing this. Get rid of him and concentrate on you. He is a dud, much like my exH who divorced me after 20 years when I got sick (I'm better now) saying I don't want to waste my life on a cripple.

CaptainFuture · 21/04/2025 05:06

So you're working, unwell and basically running the house?
What on earth does he bring to you that's great and good? Is it your house?