Partner has checked out and I'm so unhappy

[Oopsadandelion]

I am stuck in a horrible situation and am too ashamed to talk to anyone about it. My partner and I have 1 DD together and I'm pregnant (third trimester). Unfortunately he has now so spectacularly checked out of our little family that I can't see any way forward except to split. He drinks too much, he has anger issues (never been physically violent to me, but has a vicious tongue) and is horribly racist and prejudiced, he does zero housework or parenting, and provides very little financially (I earn much more, but he doesn't even contribute a fair percentage - he's bad with money), and he disappears for hours upon hours any chance he gets. He'll go out somewhere and assure me he'll he back at x o'clock.. but won't actually return for the entire day. Usually because he's been at the pub. He comes back late at night (often forgetting his key, so I have to wait up), leaves lights on, the door unlocked. He says he's depressed. Often tells me he wishes he was dead. But he refuses to seek help and has said he'll never use medication.

With hindsight, I realise falling pregnant was a foolish move (please don't come at me for that) - but in my defence things hadn't been anywhere near as bad as this before and he lulled me into a false sense of security. But now things have taken such a bad turn I feel stuck, and it's like he knows that - how can I possibly kick him out when I'm going to have a newborn (likely c section) and be recovering?

My other fear is the thought of having to send my children to stay with him, especially as he'd likely have to move hours away.. A) Because I'd miss them so badly and B) because I'd worry about how he'd look after them. My DD pretty much wants nothing to do with him these days, as he's never done anything for/with her. What if they'd be miserable and neglected and shouted at, staying with him?

If I ever talk about us splitting up because I'm so unhappy with it all, he says it's unfair on our children to split up the family and they'll suffer - ie, fully putting all responsibility for that on me.

What the hell do I do??

You bite the bullet and split up. It's not like he's going to be a help when you have the baby anyway. And it doesn't sound like he wants to be a parent when he's in the same house, so he's hardly going to want to do a six hour round trip to collect and drop them back again. Your kids deserve better than to be dealing with his vile tongue.

You think long and hard about what ypur want ypur future to look like and the future of your children.

What are you getting out of this relationship? How is it enriching/enhancing your life? Are you happy? Will pur children be happy in this set up? Is this the kind if role model you want for your kids?

Whatever you choose to do, it sounds like something has to change.

It won't be easy whatever you decide. But this isn't just about you and your happiness you have children to think about and put first

Yes I do wonder if he's actually going to make the newborn days harder than they even have to be. But I also know how disabling the surgery recovery can be, and if it's even possible to do that alone.
You're right about not seemingly wanting to be a parent (except when it suits him and his schedule).

im so sorry you’re going through this. I was in your position exactly many years ago so I know how scared and confused you feel. In my case he’d checked out as he was having an affair.
i didn’t discover this till years later when it all made sense. Start keeping a written record of his behaviour. You certainly wouldn’t have to send your children to stay with him if you have proof of how unstable he is. I don’t know how old your dd is but she will be picking up on your stress levels.

You know you absolutely have to leave him and sooner the better. Please contact women’s aid meanwhile, they will give you good advice.

OP you can't have him in the house with children. He's spectacularly disrespectful and I don't think for a minute he'll want access.

Get rid off him but don't let him know until you've got everything organised. If you think he'll actually help when you bring home the baby, I have some news for you.

You can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for advice.

@ParsnipPuree Sorry you had the same experience - it's horribly lonely. Certainly wouldn't put an affair past my partner either.
I really do hate how much it must be affecting my DD (3).

Leaving feels absolutely terrifying and so final. Like, finally giving up any shred of hope. And maybe he's right - maybe that would be more traumatic for the kids than trying to stay together.

@Maitri108 Thank you for your advice. I know I do just need to make a decision and stick to it.. I just feel paralysed. Which is pathetic because I'm very independent and (I think?) level-headed otherwise.

Although mean and disrespectful, it doesn't feel abusive as such.

It took me two years to give up that last shred of hope. Don’t waste as much time. No he is NOT right. Staying with him will be much more traumatic for them long term. You can’t anyway. Your dd is 3 so will take her lead from you. Once you have a plan, you need to show her you are confident and she will be fine. Much more fine than if you stay. My ds was 3 when his dad left and he was ok. Dd was 5 and wasn’t. Please accept what has to happen and confide in someone.

It's perfectly understandable that you feel paralysed. Luckily you're the main earner. What's the housing situation?

Yes thankfully the house is mine and everything has been kept separate. It would be him that has to leave. And of course he doesn't want to do that because (as awful as I apparently am for wanting him to be present sometimes) then he'd lose out.

Do you know what Id do? Tell him he's got until a certain date to find somewhere else to live.

However, I would make a safety plan first with a domestic abuse organisation in case he escalates as you're currently very vulnerable.

I'd then gather up all his stuff, put it outside and change the locks.

That's all good - you will be just fine without this utter drain on your resources. How disrespectful and selfish he is. He won't want the children. Give him his marching orders. He's going to be absolutely no help whatsoever when the baby is born and he will just be draining to live with, because you will be full of anger and resentment at his failure to support you.

Do you have family or friends that would be willing to help out?

You must get rid of him not only for your sake but for the sake of your little DD.

He probably is shagging other women when he does a disappearing act. You should probably get tested though I don't know if you can do that when pregnant (apologies for my ignorance)? If you are having a CS hopefully that reduces any risks if he's given you an STD.

You will be far happier on your own x

I wouldn't give him the courtesy. I'd fuck his stuff out and change the locks.

Do you have friends/family who could support you? As others have said, please contact an organisation such as Women's Aid.
Go grey rock until you have a plan in place.

He sounds dreadful. Your children will be better off if he’s not around. Your concern that he won’t look after the children properly if you’re not around is a valid one and something to monitor, but hopefully he won’t try to spend much time with them.

So would I but I don't think the OP would be open to that suggestion.

You deserve so much more than this.

I would tell this spectacular waste of space to leave. He doesn't seem to be adding anything to your life and he is an appalling role model for your daughter.

Don't listen to his bullshit. Your children (and you) will be much better off without him and his awful behaviour.

you will be full of anger and resentment at his failure to support you

Yes, well put. This is exactly how I feel even now.

Day to day I think I'd cope fine alone (apart from the initial recovery period after birth). I'm just completely freaked out at the thought of sending DD (and baby) off to stay with him. She's my absolute world.

I wouldn't be staying up to let him in when he's forgotten his key, I'd text him he needed to be back by whatever time you want to start getting ready for bed , or not bother coming back. What kind of selfish prat expects his pregnant partner to stay up to let him in after he's been out drinking?
It's your house, you work and do the childcare and pay for nearly everything, while he has anger issues, a vicious tongue, is unreliable, disrespectful and irresponsible, and doesn't sound like he cares about you. And now your DD doesn't want anything to do with him. I can't see a reason why you would keep him hanging round.
It's up to him where he choses to go, he doesn't have to move hours away if he wants to maintain a relationship with his children. If he would rather move hours away instead of working longer hours/giving up drinking/getting a better paid job then that is his choice.
It sounds very unlikely that he would make much effort to see his DC.
Is there someone who could come and stay with you for a few weeks after your C-section? Could you buy in help for a bit if you haven't got family willing and able to step up? It doesn't sound as if you will be able to rely on him even if you don't ask him to leave. You'll have to come up with back up plan in any event, and it might actually be easier if he's not around, as at least then you know where you stand.

@DelphiniumBlue Thank you, I lose perspective sometimes, especially when he acts like this behaviour is totally normal and I'm unreasonable for being upset by it. And lays on the guilt for making him move far away.

My mum is nearby but I think it'd drive me mad if she moved in to help! But yes maybe you're right about needing a plan b regardless.

I have done similar by myself. The difference being I had a ten year old,an 8 year old and 16mth old too but no CS, which would initially make a Hugh difference.
Why are you feeling too ashamed to talk to anyone inRL? What have you done except for planning a pregnancy with someone who has ultimately let you down?
I would as others have said kick partner to the kerb. That is one less problem for you to deal with.
Secondly find ppl who can support you in the first couple of weeks as you start to recover from CS, don't be afraid to ask for help.
If your daughter is already in nursery continue with that routine as much as possible, then if you need to reduce hours to save money take her to nursery after lunch to give yourself some time to be with the baby 1 to 1.
I can honestly say the year I took off (I had to claim benefits for the last few months) was so precious and chilled really as the only thing I had to think about was the kids.
You can do this, good luck.

Bless you, of course she is, and so will your new baby. This waste of space doesn't care enough to be involved with your little girl whilst he is living with her. I can't see him wanting to be involved in her sole care, at all.

I think you would manage fine (I've had 3 c/s). The only problem I'd see would maybe be not being able to drive but you may live somewhere that wouldn't be an issue. I sent #1 to nursery some of the time when I had #2 (really just to keep their place and for continuity), and same with both of them when I had #3.

You will have so much more peace of mind when he isn't turning your lives upside down x

She could maybe do any driving you'd need? Mind the children for a couple of hours so you can sleep? She doesn't need to move in. That creep isn't going to do any of those things, and he's only going to drag you down.

Screw him and his guilt! The further away he is the better!

Can you get legal advice on whether he would be allowed to have the kids over unsupervised if he is a depressed alcoholic who is horribly racist and verbally abusive and hasn’t really ever been a father?

As for breaking up the family unit…what family unit? Hes never around by the sounds of it.

Split up. He will not want the children.