Partner has checked out and I'm so unhappy

[Oopsadandelion]

I am stuck in a horrible situation and am too ashamed to talk to anyone about it. My partner and I have 1 DD together and I'm pregnant (third trimester). Unfortunately he has now so spectacularly checked out of our little family that I can't see any way forward except to split. He drinks too much, he has anger issues (never been physically violent to me, but has a vicious tongue) and is horribly racist and prejudiced, he does zero housework or parenting, and provides very little financially (I earn much more, but he doesn't even contribute a fair percentage - he's bad with money), and he disappears for hours upon hours any chance he gets. He'll go out somewhere and assure me he'll he back at x o'clock.. but won't actually return for the entire day. Usually because he's been at the pub. He comes back late at night (often forgetting his key, so I have to wait up), leaves lights on, the door unlocked. He says he's depressed. Often tells me he wishes he was dead. But he refuses to seek help and has said he'll never use medication.

With hindsight, I realise falling pregnant was a foolish move (please don't come at me for that) - but in my defence things hadn't been anywhere near as bad as this before and he lulled me into a false sense of security. But now things have taken such a bad turn I feel stuck, and it's like he knows that - how can I possibly kick him out when I'm going to have a newborn (likely c section) and be recovering?

My other fear is the thought of having to send my children to stay with him, especially as he'd likely have to move hours away.. A) Because I'd miss them so badly and B) because I'd worry about how he'd look after them. My DD pretty much wants nothing to do with him these days, as he's never done anything for/with her. What if they'd be miserable and neglected and shouted at, staying with him?

If I ever talk about us splitting up because I'm so unhappy with it all, he says it's unfair on our children to split up the family and they'll suffer - ie, fully putting all responsibility for that on me.

What the hell do I do??

Tell your mum what's going on and see if she can move in and annoy him into 'choosing' to leave. The very second he utters those words and goes to the pub 'change the locks' do you know someone who could have locks ready and be prepared to do that quickly? Don't be ashamed, tell everyone, tell htris mum. My ex's mum helped me leave, she said it was the only humane thing to do.

You are an extraordinaryly good position op. You have your own home, a good job and your mother around the corner. As annoying as she might be, she won’t hurt or abuse you post delivery.

If you report the abuse now, it will at least hive you good grounds to insist on a contact centre should he ever attempt to see his children, which will be the safest way you can arrange supervised visits. I very much doubt he will care, he has shown no interest so far.

You might actually find your life becomes easier, not harder op. You can just focus on your dc and your job, and not have the abuse and stress every day of this relationship.

Do this for you but especially do this for your children, don’t allow them to grow up in such a toxic and frightening environment. .

She doesn’t have to wait until he chooses to leave or to annoy him into doing so, therefore putting herself at risk.

She can simply ensure her mother and or others are there. Pack up his stuff and leave it somewhere safe and tell him it is over. She can organise for the locks to be changed herself. He is never going to voluntarily leave a set up that he is paying so little for, which offer him all of the perks of family life without any of the disadvantages.

Op should do this now before her baby arrives, so she can focus on her newborn and her toddler.

I feel for you. Where you’re pregnant and caring for a small child your every thought is to protect your babies and it makes you very vulnerable and cautious so you can end up being trapped.
It doesn’t sound as though he will make any effort to have the children but when you kick him out he must be told he can only have them once he has committed to putting them first and being a responsible parent. He has rights but will have to make an effort to enforce them.
First step is telling people. Ask for help and take it. Good luck.

Honestly, it's dead in the water and the anger at his net negative contributions will boil your piss post partum

I would seriously look at finding a mothers helper / a doula or a night nanny type thing for some support after the birth and for months 0-3m if you can at all afford it. Maybe see if your mum will come 1 or 2 days a week or do the odd night for you.

I'd also recommend church play groups and the local council free groups rhyme time stay and play etc. To make some mat leave friends etc

Kick him out and get your mum to help you post-caesarean. He will absolutely not want shared custody of your toddler and baby, and he is not going to change, no matter how much more of your life you waste with him. You can do this.

how can I possibly kick him out when I'm going to have a newborn (likely c section) and be recovering?
You’re in a difficult situation, that’s for sure. But is he likely to be any use to you? It seems him being there will make things a whole lot worse.

He doesn’t bother with your daughter when he lives in the same house as her. Not sure he’s going to really pursue 50/50 custody. EOW would be a big stretch at this point!

I have to agree that telling people is key here

I had been in a similar relationship foolishly for many many years, having several children together

Split several times over the years, kept it between us, eventually let him back

Last year something clicked with me, we split and I began to open up to people IRL - massive turning point. The more I speak about it the more determined I feel. And now he has stopped trying to win me back. He's still horrible. But I can deal with that because emotionally I have nothing there for him.

Me and the DC are moving soon and I cannot wait for my new start

Thank you so much everyone for your kindness and taking the time to respond, without judgement - it means a lot to me. It's interesting that the general consensus seems to be that he won't care much about seeing the kids after a split - sadly, that would actually be ideal.

Had a restless night and keep thinking, am I thinking it's worse than it is?? But even if I am, I feel miserable. He stayed out til late almost every single night last month (sometimes apparently working, to be fair). Missed my scan. Did nothing for mother's day and disappeared the whole day. I've caught him on dating apps in the past and sending an explicit message, but now if I comment about him being on his phone, he tells me I've got an obsession with it that must stop.

Massive congratulations on your new start - you're my idol! It's helpful to hear that people have been in a similar boat. Good luck with the move.
I take on board the suggestion about involving people irl.

@Testingmypatience1 Thank you for that perspective. Question for you, and the others who have suggested it's abuse, what behaviour that I've described would you consider abusive (as opposed to just unpleasant)? That may sound stupid, I'm just trying to be certain what situation I'm in. And worry I've made it sound worse than it is.

Look at the Women’s Aid website it outlines different forms of abuse and also give them a call. Leaving is the most dangerous time. Give no indication, when you tell him have someone there with you and make sure you DIY or have a locksmith and change the locks.

The name calling is definitely abuse. Staying out late and not taking his key so you have to wait up for him is controlling. Telling you you have an 'obsession' after he attempted to cheat on you is gaslighting.

This situation is the definition of a no brainer. You haven’t said one redeeming quality about him. Get out. If he moves away? Good. The kids won’t be bothered with him. Nor he them. It sounds like you picked one of life’s wasters. I’d try and get out and be gone before the baby arrives.

He wants to live in your house, pay nothing, do no parenting, treat you like a servant and behave like a single man.

He doesn't get to do that any more. It's your house, you aren't married and you owe him absolutely nothing. Consult a solicitor to find out what you can legally do to get rid of him. If you are legally allowed to put his belongings outside and change the locks, I would do just that.

Do you have any family that could look after your child while you are having the baby and support you after the birth? Don't let him be present at the birth. He doesn't deserve to be there, even if he wants to.

You know how bad this is. All of it is abusive, and you deserve so much better! Don't second guess yourself. Does your mother have any idea how he treats you? If you were my DD, he would be wearing his balls as earrings! It couldn't be much worse!

Fuck him, his phone and his apps out your door. The sooner the better. He treats you and your DD like shit, and he is clearly up to no good when he's out. He shouldn't be out anyway - he should be at home supporting his pregnant partner and looking after his little DD. Do you want her to grow up thinking this is how a father is?

@Oopsadandelion have you thought any more about what you are going to do?

I think you should confide in your mum. She may be annoying (we mums can be!) but I am sure she will have your best interests at heart.

This is not how a 'normal' relationship should be. He is treating you like shit, and you need him gone xx

This! A million times! Kick the laser out and do your kids a massive favour.

He won't change, he'll just get worse and you'll get more ground down.

He won't be allowed to have a tiny baby as they stay with mum. I doubt he'll make much effort with your 3 year old from what you've said.

OP, I left a terrible relationship when I had a small baby. I just could not let my baby grow up in the same house as such a horrible person. Unlike you, I didn't have my own home - if I did, I would have ended the relationship even quicker!

I did take solicitor advice before leaving and just so you know, you can make a strong case for him not getting to spend loads of time with your DC. If he lives a few hours away then overnight stays are unlikely. Also, by the time it gets through the courts he will have little to no relationship with the newborn so contact is likely to be very gradual (especially if you will be breastfeeding). Hate to say this but he might prioritise finding someone else over your DC, so many men do. Also, in the case of my ex, as long as I don't push him for CMS, he is not too bothered about his kids (horrible, I know!)

See a solicitor first and it might give you the confidence to leave an awful situation.

No OP I can absoloutely assure you, your children will be happier and safer away from him and I think you know that too.

Children pick up on everything. Would you want your daughter in this type of relationship?

Have you any family or friends you could stay with or could come help after the section? Is it definitely a section? He diesnt sound like he will help anyway

Thanks for asking @mainecooncatonahottinroof, and everyone for your thoughts.
I've mostly been wandering around in a bit of a daze, thinking about it endlessly. It's not a fun existence. I've barely spoken to him, but I don't think he's even noticed. He certainly never asks how I am or shows even the tiniest bit of interest in my pregnancy.

I had previously mentioned a couple of things to my mum, about his lack of support and disappearing acts etc, but found out this weekend that has gotten back to another family member. Which sucks because it feels like a breach of confidentiality and like I can't trust her not to treat my life as gossip.

A few things I've realised thanks to people who responded (writing this out for me as much as anything)...

• Despite what he insists, his behaviour isn't OK or normal.

• He's never going to change. And in fact it'll probably get worse.

• The resentment is also going to get worse. Everything he does already infuriates me because he only ever thinks about himself and what he wants. So I need to let go of hope. And oh my god my house would be so much cleaner and nicer (and smell better.. the guy showers like once a week..) without him.

• He is never going to be the one to make the first move and leave.

• Even though we're not married, it might still be worth speaking to a solicitor to understand the split of parenting.

• He may not want the kids much at all after a split.

• I am weaker than I thought I was, as others in similar situations have left. Why am I finding it so hard 😕

Hi sweetheart, he has checked out, and you deserve way better, you and your children.

He isn't going to change, a bastard will always be a bastard. Sorry!

He's a dirty pig and you would be so much happier without him in your house. He isn't going to leave because he has it easy.

You aren't weaker at all - everyone who splits up never intended it to happen, doesn't want to do it, but realises that they have to. You are finding it hard because this was never what you wanted, but you know what to do for the best xx

I think you’re finding it hard because indecision is always the hardest part, once you’ve decided on a course of action it’s easier to keep momentum.

you know it’s best to split up but if you’ve put up with it this long, take a few days to safely tuck away all that needs to be done and get on the front foot. Then you can tell him to sling his hook.