Need to get away from my parents but I'm enmeshed and emotionally dependent on them

[newstartpleasee]

I'm in my 20s, so more than old enough to have moved out from my parents' house but I haven't. I have a sister with mental health issues and an older brother with autism - both adults who have no interest in moving out. We all contribute financially to the house. My Dad is unemployed (he has been my entire life - he says he's unable to cope with a job). So we are contributing to the bills and he isn't, so it's a bit of an upside down dynamic.

My parents are constantly arguing. Shouting matches. It could start over the smallest thing, like my Mum forgetting to put sugar in my Dad's tea. My Dad is the main problem; he's volatile, emotionally abusive and very immature. I tell them to stop arguing, that there's no need to shout, etc. My sister tells me I should just ignore it, but I've always been brought into my parents' arguments by my Dad, usually when he is trying to get me to be on his 'side', so it's hard for me to ignore it and keep quiet.

I've been through a really difficult time lately. I broke up with my boyfriend and then was made redundant. I've slowly lost all my friends as they've all moved away and started their adult lives. I have a pet dog who is the one and only good thing left in my life, which limits my options for renting. I'm still in probation in my new job, too. My pay is decent but still not enough to live on without a partner.

I honestly hate my life so much. Today there was an argument and I told my parents to stop shouting and my Dad shouted in my face at the top of his voice saying why does he always get blamed for everything, he's done nothing wrong, etc. All I did was ask them to stop shouting as I don't want my siblings to have to listen to it. I feel so trapped and feel like I deserve better than this, yet I seem to have no agency to actually do something about it. I have no support network left in my life, so I rely on my parents and siblings for that even though I know I should really go no contact with my parents, or my Dad at least. We all deserve better than this life, but it's like the rest of the family is less sensitive to the atmosphere or happily buries their head in the sand about it. I fantasise about just getting in my car with my dog and driving to Scotland. I would never act on it but I have suic*dal ideation every single day. I've just had enough of everything.

I’m sorry, that sounds horrific.

Mumsnet is going to help you get out of the mess.

First questions, how long is left on your probation? Will it allow you to then move into a house share? Do you have savings?

Can you afford to rent a room? If you look on spare room.com, you might find somewhere reasonable.

You should see your Dr if you're feeling suicidal and can contact CALM or the Samaritans to talk.

Your sister is right, you need to stop getting involved in your parent's arguments as they're not going to stop and it escalates the situation. Leave the room if they start arguing.

Can you move into a house share at all? This situation sounds horrendous. The other option is to look at moving away entirely, take a gap year and teach abroad or something like that, just so you can meet other people your age and start your adult life. I know this will be tricky because you love your dog. The more you earn and rise in your career, the more you should be able to live without this situation. It’s not your job to support your parents financially so don’t feel guilty about leaving them. I’m sorry you’re going through this

Kindly, you do have agency and you’re not trapped other than how you’ve made yourself to be. As a single adult woman, able and employed and without the restrictions of children, you have lots of options and the freedom to take them.

The biggest issue is obviously the dog which needs to either stay in the family home or be rehomed sadly.

Did your parents agree to you getting a dog while living at home or did you move out and get the dog then? Would they be open to the dog staying there while you move in to a house share and still financially support the dog?

Obviously you need to move out and build your own life but if you can’t do that due to the dog, you need to look at other options for homing it.

Which part of the country are you in OP? Can you look on spare room.com - am very hopeful you would find a room to rent that will allow pets. I think you should prioritise getting yourself out of your current living situation you don't deserve to be spoken to like that it all sounds hellish. You don't need an amazing apartment you just need a nice clean room in a nice normal house share

Just focus on passing probation. Everything else can wait, but I do think you should talk to your GP about some counselling.

If you don't have any already, make sure you're saving for at least 2 months' rent. This will help you rent.

It might be a scary thought, especially if you don't the emotional support you should from your parents, but I think you're going to have to rent with strangers.

Try to get a female-only house. I've lived with men, and although there were some nice ones I'd live with again, I wouldn't do that again if I houseshared. I came across far too many lazy, sexist mummy's boys who thought that because they had a female housemate, cleaning of any kind (including changing the bins, ever) was beneath them.

Make sure that any house you see has a lock on the bedroom (might be important for insurance purposes. Try to get a house where you all pay rent individually to the landlords, all with separate contracts. Try to avoid a situation whereby you all pay as one entity, because if one person can't pay, it'll become a big problem, rather it being the landlord's problem. If you can get a house that's all inclusive including bills (which is rare), even better if you can afford it. It'll make your life simpler whilst you get used to renting & living on your own.

Go see at least 5 houses. It's important to have that variety as I saw some places where I knew I'd feel lonely (despite the nice people there), and the house I settled in just felt right straight away. Be prepared for it to feel like an interview, because in many ways it is. It's hard to not to feel rejected if people don't want to rent with you, but keep trying. Try not to arrive deflated or sad looking. People will be looking for a relaxed but positive energy when they talk to you, as well as similar lifestyles.

I'm afraid you'll need to leave your dog at home, if they're willing to have it. Lots of people your age have to do this when they go to university - they go to uni, leave home, and their family pet stays with the family for good.

I know I should really go no contact with my parents, or my Dad at least

Who on earth has given you the impression that that you should do this??

For some people, yes, it's the best thing for them, or they almost don't have the option as their parents are violent or as seriously damaging in their lives. If you're not at that point yet, you don't have to go no contact. It doesn't have to be that extreme. You don't even know what it'll be like living on your own yet!!

Your parents, even if toxic, are an important practical support, even if they're rubbish or can be abusive emotionally. Don’t cut ties if you don't have to, especially if you don't have a strong support network.

Make a plan:

get through probation
save money
don’t engage with your batshit family
move out
Get counselling

Also, I’m sorry your life is hard, you can improve it, good luck

I agree with this.

As far as you possibly can with your current living situation, start behaving as if you are living in a houseshare already. Go to work, come home and stay in your room as much as you can- get a lock for your door so you can enforce that physical boundary if you need to. They are not your people, disengage, drop the rope and they lose their power over you.

Save and start looking for a houseshare, flatshare, small flat, anywhere, just somewhere that is only yours. After living the way you have even a shitty tiny flat will feel like your own personal haven, believe me. It’s all a step on the ladder.

Good luck x

OP where are you based? Can find some helpful resources re affordable therapy or can send online ones.

I'd disconnect with the family for now but stay there to save - focus on saving (2 months rent for deposit and first months rent) and passing your probation. Only engage with them to stay civil 'morning' 'hello' if you pass them in the kitchen etc. Stay in your room and watch a good series or read, go for lovely long dog walks - focus on your future, not the present situation. Plenty of house shares allow dogs, otherwise do you know anyone that would at the very least foster him/her?

Lives change so quickly. I was jobless at 29 (quit a job, got another and was then made redundant) and ended up living back at home (thankfully not horrible though). I was depressed and hopeless. I'm now happily married, living with my pets, DH, DSC... I thought my life was over at 29 but it was only just beginning.

There's some brilliant practical advice here that I'm not sure I can add anything to. I just wanted to say that although it can seem hard leaving what you know, the freedom of the first few years after moving out (especially from a tricky home) is a joy beyond compare. I remember putting on the radio as I drove away from my parents' house every time I went to visit, breathing out the tension and breathing in the sense of possibility and adulthood. It's worth the being skint for a while and the butterflies that come with unfamiliar situations, a thousand times over. Things are going to get so much better for you. Life under your own steam isn't always easy but it's always yours ❤️

When they start arguing, leave the room, as a pp said. Dont get involved.

Pass the probation and save, then look at becoming a lodger in someone’s home. Hopefully you might find one where you can take your dog. It’s worth looking into anyway. There are lots of animal lovers around. You might find one where you can mutually animal sit for each other.

It might be worth posting on your local facebook page asking for a room for yourself and your dog. Ours has lots of similar posts asking for accommodation, jobs or other help.

Good luck

Great advice

That sounds really really tough @newstartpleasee I think anyone would really struggle in that environment and you can be guaranteed that is a big part of your sister’s MH issues.

Weirdly, you’d nearly expect the opposite, but actually the emotional enmeshment and dependency is almost the default of these types of family dynamics that or narcissistic/avoidant tendencies which none of us want.

Could you get some support from some form of therapy and you could make it a goal of that to make a plan to get out of that environment. It really will destroy you long term if you can’t even have the future hope of getting out. Your father particularly is really damaging for your wellbeing. You deserve so much better.

You need to keep out of your parents squabbles, you're just escalating things. You kniw nothing will change. Be pro active today, go to sone estate agents, look in local papers to see what options you have accommodation wise.

Can you move out with one of your siblings and split the rent?
As for money and paying the bills in your parents house. That's not your responsibility. So don't feel guilty about moving .
Also some renters will allow dogs especially if you offer a few months rent upfront .
I think you will feel a lot happier when you are away from your parents.

This is a solid plan and basically what I did as an adult feeling trapped in my parents' horrible hellscape of arguing, a father that wasn't contributing financially and everyone around me pretending it was all okay. It took years to get to the stage of having talking therapy, it won't all happen overnight, but the most important thing is a stable job and income and having some savings. Good luck OP.

I feel sorry for the siblings with ND as well, and it also sounds like the dad has some ND too - shouting in someone's face that they're not to blame and it's everyone else's fault sounds like some kinds of autistic rigid thinking in chronic burnout. And not able to work, ever. And of course he is also abusive, ND is not an excuse. But he's not your problem OP. I would get yourself out and stable which might take years and then, if you feel strong enough and able to, rescue your siblings. Where is your mum in all this?

David Celani wrote a book called Leaving Home. It explains why abused children from dysfunctional families often have the most difficulty leaving. Its because they haven’t received the nurturance they need to separate and function as adults and haven’t been able to move through the normal developmental stages that lead to independence.
If you’re feeling paralysed download it on kindle or something (you can download the kindle app to your phone). It will explain everything.

@Happyinarcon Sounds like an interesting book, and needed. People like this need a hand hold and practical advice.

Start saving money to get out and start getting out of the house more while you do. Maybe take up walking or a free/cheap hobby so you're only really at home to sleep.

My pay is decent but still not enough to live on without a partner.

What do you earn and whereabouts do you live? Can you afford a house share?

I agree with pp - focus on passing your probation, and talking to your GP. Be honest with them about how you feel.

And start looking into house-shares, or if you could afford something in another area.

You sound lovely, and you deserve better. And you can and will get there. One step at a time.

Start planning!

there are organisations that match house shares with elderly people in return for some support. The rental is less than a standard house share so useful if your funds / savings are limited.

https://twogenerations.co.uk

https://homeshareuk.org/

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you are feeling like this.

I suspect that your living situation is affecting you even more than you realise.

I would be looking into a house share. Some places do take pets. I think you just have to ask for permission.