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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need to get away from my parents but I'm enmeshed and emotionally dependent on them

28 replies

newstartpleasee · 20/04/2025 19:15

I'm in my 20s, so more than old enough to have moved out from my parents' house but I haven't. I have a sister with mental health issues and an older brother with autism - both adults who have no interest in moving out. We all contribute financially to the house. My Dad is unemployed (he has been my entire life - he says he's unable to cope with a job). So we are contributing to the bills and he isn't, so it's a bit of an upside down dynamic.

My parents are constantly arguing. Shouting matches. It could start over the smallest thing, like my Mum forgetting to put sugar in my Dad's tea. My Dad is the main problem; he's volatile, emotionally abusive and very immature. I tell them to stop arguing, that there's no need to shout, etc. My sister tells me I should just ignore it, but I've always been brought into my parents' arguments by my Dad, usually when he is trying to get me to be on his 'side', so it's hard for me to ignore it and keep quiet.

I've been through a really difficult time lately. I broke up with my boyfriend and then was made redundant. I've slowly lost all my friends as they've all moved away and started their adult lives. I have a pet dog who is the one and only good thing left in my life, which limits my options for renting. I'm still in probation in my new job, too. My pay is decent but still not enough to live on without a partner.

I honestly hate my life so much. Today there was an argument and I told my parents to stop shouting and my Dad shouted in my face at the top of his voice saying why does he always get blamed for everything, he's done nothing wrong, etc. All I did was ask them to stop shouting as I don't want my siblings to have to listen to it. I feel so trapped and feel like I deserve better than this, yet I seem to have no agency to actually do something about it. I have no support network left in my life, so I rely on my parents and siblings for that even though I know I should really go no contact with my parents, or my Dad at least. We all deserve better than this life, but it's like the rest of the family is less sensitive to the atmosphere or happily buries their head in the sand about it. I fantasise about just getting in my car with my dog and driving to Scotland. I would never act on it but I have suic*dal ideation every single day. I've just had enough of everything.

OP posts:
WildflowerConstellations · 10/05/2025 17:11

Happyinarcon · 10/05/2025 09:02

David Celani wrote a book called Leaving Home. It explains why abused children from dysfunctional families often have the most difficulty leaving. Its because they haven’t received the nurturance they need to separate and function as adults and haven’t been able to move through the normal developmental stages that lead to independence.
If you’re feeling paralysed download it on kindle or something (you can download the kindle app to your phone). It will explain everything.

I've seen this so many times with friends living with abusive parents getting stuck there.

It may feel impossible OP but once you are able to step out into your own independence life will be much lighter. Although I also think therapy is a very good idea to process the effects of thr environment you have been raised in.

Is part of you worried about leaving your siblings? You may actually inspire them and give them some access to a life outside the home if you move out.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/05/2025 18:21

Depending on how much you earn, you might be able to get help with your rent if you moved out. Speak to Citizens' Advice about your situation and they should be able to help you understand your options.

Please speak to your GP about your home situation and your suicidal thoughts. Hopefully they can help or signpost you to other agencies that can help you.

TorroFerney · 10/05/2025 18:46

Happyinarcon · 10/05/2025 09:02

David Celani wrote a book called Leaving Home. It explains why abused children from dysfunctional families often have the most difficulty leaving. Its because they haven’t received the nurturance they need to separate and function as adults and haven’t been able to move through the normal developmental stages that lead to independence.
If you’re feeling paralysed download it on kindle or something (you can download the kindle app to your phone). It will explain everything.

Thanks for this, I am 53 and I still beat myself up for not leaving home, not going to uni (being too scared although academically bright) and only leaving home to move in with a boyfriend (now husband and we have a happy marriage). It took me years to realise it was down to my childhood as logically i should have got the hell out of there if it was that bad ?.

Some great advice op, you will absolutely fly without them I can assure you and without the awful tension. It's absolutely soul destroying.

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